


[please stop texting me i'm in class]

by itisjosh



Category: Dreamwastaken
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Alternate Universe - College/University, Best Friends, Chaos, Friendship, Gen, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mostly Gen, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, SIDEWALK MOUSE FOR THE SIDEWALK MICE GOD, Sibling Rivalry, Texting, beautiful finn & the rest, group chat au babey, phil is a teacher lmao, techno and dream are the college's main source of revenue, thank you rune for peer pressuring me into doing this, they do whatever the fuck they want lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 77
Words: 51,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26490322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: [dreamlmao has added seventeen new members to "HELP"]dreamlmao: what up whoresgeorgenotfound: I am going to beat you to death with my bare hands
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), George | Spifey/Harvey | TapL, Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch
Comments: 7228
Kudos: 7565





	1. [dreamlmao has added seventeen new members to "HELP"]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for reference:  
> [dream | dreamlmao]  
> [george | georgenotfound]  
> [sapnap | sippycup]  
> [wilbur | wolburscoot]  
> [phil | philza]  
> [tommy | KILLEDAWOMAN]  
> [tubbo | BEES!]  
> [eret | chilltiredbi]  
> [schlatt | businessman]  
> [mega | megapvp]  
> [zelk | zelk!]  
> [spifey | beaverbitch]  
> [skeppy | skippy]  
> [bad | badboyhello]  
> [techno | technopig]  
> [finn | f1nnxrose]  
> [fundy | notafurry]  
> [tapl | tapltired]

**11:04 AM**

[ **dreamlmao** has added seventeen new members to " **HELP** "]

 **dreamlmao** : what up whores

 **georgenotfound** : I am going to beat you to death with my bare hands

 **skippy** : LMAO THEY ARE ALREADY FIGHTING

 **sippycup** : skeppy shut the FUCK up dude i am TRYING to fucking WORK in my CLASS

 **Philza** : Sapnap you are literally on your phone in my class

 **wolburscoot** : oh tell the bitch dad

 **Philza** : Wilbur.

 **Philza** : You have 8 missing assignments. I am a literal professor how do you keep getting away with this

 **wolburscoot** : i eat sand i gain powers father

 **Philza** : Please stop

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : imagine going to school LOL

 **Philza** : Tommy you told me you were sick

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : what if i told you i was lying big man

 **BEES!** : tommy :(( i have to do our project alone :(((

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : sounds like a you problem lulw

 **technopig** : dad i'm going to drop out of college to become a minecraft youtuber

 **dreamlmao** : what a coincidence that's exactly what i did

 **technopig** : nvm i hate being compared to you

 **dreamlmao** : well that's just rude 

**sippycup** : phil can u please pass me

 **sippycup** : i Do NOT like writing about mr shakespear 

**Philza** : Shakespeare, Sapnap

 **sippycup** : its close enough and you managed to understand me i dont see ur issue here 

**Philza** : Sapnap please

 **wolburscoot** : sapnap stop bullying my dad

 **sippycup** : wilbur he is a grown man he can literally give me detention i dont think im """BULLYING""" him

 **chilltiredbi** : hello, i love you all very much, however my phone has turned into a miniature vibrator in my pocket and i am trying to finish my assignment 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : SHUT UP ERET

 **chilltiredbi** : tommy you are in high school

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : YEAH BUT I AM MORE SUCCESSFUL 

**chilltiredbi** : tommy please i just want to write about the great depression 

**Philza** : Hello, Eret. I'll take his phone away when I get home

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : you will NOT

 **Philza** : Lmao bet

 **F1NNxROSE** : HELP HELELPEHELP

 **tapltired** : what the fuck did u do

 **F1NNxROSE** : I MADE A BET W MY PROF THAT ID WEAR MY GIRL CLOTHES TO SCHOOL IF SHE DIDNT GIVE OUT HOMEWORK AND SHE LAUGHED AND SAID OK FINN

 **F1NNxROSE** : anyways THAT is not the problem the problem is that i dont have a nice skirt 

**beaverbitch** : i'll buy you one dw

 **F1NNxROSE** : THMSAK

 **beaverbitch** : np

 **businessman** : do any of you want to hear about the triangle shirtwaist factory fire?

 **wolburscoot** : GO AWAY 

**businessman** : wilbur you love me and you know it

 **businessman** : hello mr. philza, i'm your son's boyfriend

 **wolburscoot** : HE IS NOT

 **businessman** : well if you keep that up i might have to break up w you babe

 **wolburscoot** : i am going to scam you via bitcoin 

**businessman** : .

 **businessman** : well it seems like i'll be taking my leave then, i'll see you @technopig in eco

 **technopig** : i hope not

 **Philza** : Don't you dare skip, Techno

 **technopig** : please

 **Philza** : Techno

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : LUL EMAJIN GOING TO SCHOOL

 **dreamlmao** : ""emajin""

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : YES DREAM DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

 **georgenotfound** : Phil can you please control your son

 **Philza** : George do you think I don't try

 **sippycup** : jst bring him to college and all of us will mock him its not that hard phil

 **BEES!** : @chilltiredbi can you help me with my progect :(

 **chilltiredbi** : yes of course i can tubbo

 **chilltiredbi** : what's it over?

 **BEES!** : industrial revolution 

**BEES!** : _[image sent]_

 **BEES!** : this is what i have done so far 

**chilltiredbi** : okay that looks really good

 **chilltiredbi** : i would move the header to be a little bit more upward and add another slide on how it affected europe & the united states

 **BEES!** : ok thank you!!

 **chilltiredbi** : of course tubbo

 **wolburscoot** : hey eret can you do my project for me

 **wolburscoot** : it's about romeo and juliet and i don't want to

 **skippy** : BAD ANDI HAD TO DO STMH LIKE THAT ONEC

 **skippy** : i plaeyd romeo obvs and eh played juliet 

**skippy** : we got like a 80% and got liek 10% taken off bc i yelled "GETT HE FUCK DOWN JILIET IM TIRED OF UR SHIT"

 **skippy** : she didnt like that very uch

 **badboyhello** : language >:(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FUCK

 **badboyhello** : TOMMY!! >:0 LANGUAGE!!! 

**BEES!** : tommy stop tortoring bad

 **skippy** : keep doing it its funney 

**chilltiredbi** : wilbur i am not doing your project for you

 **wolburscoot** : why not :(

 **chilltiredbi** : wilbur you are 23

 **chilltiredbi** : tubbo is 16

 **chilltiredbi** : you are in COLLEGE

 **wolburscoot** : :(

**4:20 AM**

**dreamlmao** : AYYYYYYY

 **georgenotfound** : You are literally going to die

 **dreamlmao** : IDC 4:20!!!!!!!!

 **sippycup** : lmao im already high time to smoke another

 **Philza** : Can you three please go back to bed I have class tomorrow

 **sippycup** : so do i hpil

 **Philza** : Please don't come to class stoned Sapnap

 **sippycup** : no promises lol

 **F1NNxROSE** : @beaverbitch hello do u have that skirt

 **beaverbitch** : yes finn let me sleep

 **F1NNxROSE** : ok thank u love u

 **beaverbitch** : yes you too finn

 **megapvp** : i will literally pay all of you so much money to shut the fuck up


	2. [sippycup: hey phil i'm going to cheat on this test]

**10:09 AM**

**sippycup** : hey phil i'm going to cheat on this test

 **Philza** : Sapnap please don't

 **wolburscoot** : i might also cheat

 **Philza** : Wilbur do not

 **technopig** : :)

 **Philza** : Techno.

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : lulw im also going to cheat

 **Philza** : Tommy you aren't even in college

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : doesnt mean i wont cheat

 **Philza** : Tommy please

 **F1NNxROSE** : I AM LOOKING SO FUCKING GOOD

 **F1NNxROSE** : _[image sent]_

 **F1NNxROSE** : _[image sent]_

 **F1NNxROSE** : LOOK AT ME

 **tapltired** : hot

 **skippy** : hot

 **zelk!** : hot

 **beaverbitch** : hot

 **megapvp** : please shut the fuck up

 **F1NNxROSE** : BUT I LOOK HOT

 **skippy** : how do you getthe

 **skippy** : babongas 

**skippy** : to look like that

 **badboyhello** : SKEPPY

 **skippy** : WHAT ITS A GUQUESTION

 **badboyhello** : NO!!!!!!! LANGUAGE!!!!!

 **skippy** : WHAT I JSUYT SAD BAODNBGAS

 **dreamlmao** : 5 bucks for me to eat this off the ground

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **georgenotfound** : Dream what the fuck

 **sippycup** : is that a dead mouse

 **dreamlmao** : yeah

 **georgenotfound** : You are a fucking hazard to society

 **sippycup** : and a coward eat it for free

 **dreamlmao** : bet

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **Philza:** PUT IT DOWN RIGHT NOW DREAM.

 **dreamlmao** : can't phil i'm proving something to sapnap

 **wolburscoot** : if you vomit you have to pay us 5 dollars

 **dreamlmao** : ok bet wilbur soot

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : can you all shut the fuck up i am studying for a test

 **BEES!** : no your not

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : shut up tubbo

 **BEES!** : your playing a game

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : SHUT UP TUBBO

 **megapvp** : i hate you all so fucking much why 

**megapvp** : why was i added here

 **megapvp** : so many bad decisions have led me to this point in my life

**2:10 PM**

**dreamlmao** : i ate the mouse

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **georgenotfound** : There's no way you didn't just let Patches have that

 **dreamlmao** : she's a classy lady she won't eat street mouse

 **dreamlmao** : i, on the other hand, will

 **sippycup** : pog

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : POG

 **BEES!** : CHAMP!

 **wolburscoot** : i suppose i was wrong about you dream

 **wolburscoot** : let me serenade you with a song

 **technopig** : please dont sing the egirl song

 **Philza** : Wilbur I love you but please listen to your brother

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : DONT LISTEN TO EM BIG MAN ILL SING W YOU

 **businessman** : you can serenade me, wilbur ;)

 **wolburscoot** : SCHLATT LEAVE ME ALONE

 **zelk!** : schlatt whats your obsession with wilbur

 **businessman** : he's cute

 **skippy** : tru

 **businessman** : back the fuck off skippy he's my man

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt im going to file a restraining order against you schlatt

 **businessman** : _[image sent]_

 **businessman** : youd restrain me? this little guy?

 **wolburscoot** : yes and i would do it with no guilt 

**megapvp** : id kill all of you for free like i would literally let myself get murdered so the rest of you would die

 **beaverbitch** : nah u love me 

**megapvp** : i hate you the most

 **skippy** : YOU HATE ME THGE SWCOND MOST????

 **megapvp** : youre on thin fucking ice

**1:12 AM**

**dreamlmao** : hey 

**dreamlmao** : hey george

 **georgenotfound** : What

 **dreamlmao** : go to prom w me

 **georgenotfound** : No

 **dreamlmao:** pleasd

 **georgenotfound** : No

 **sippycup** : oh my god just go out w him already hes keeping me awake

 **dreamlmao:** :(

 **georgenotfound** : Will it make you shut up if I say yes

 **dreamlmao** : YES

 **georgenotfound** : Fine.

 **dreamlmao** : FUCK YES POG

 **wolburscoot** : POG

 **NOTafurry:** pog


	3. [wolburscoot: wait we have a prom??]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> niki - niki♥  
> vurb - TOES

**5:49 AM**

**wolburscoot** : wait we have a prom??

 **sippycup** : yeah u dumbass

 **wolburscoot** : i didnt know colleges did that

 **sippycup** : this one does

 **dreamlmao** : and I HAvE A DATE

 **georgenotfound** : Do not call me your date

 **dreamlmao** : too late

 **businessman** : @wolburscoot

 **wolburscoot** : NO

 **businessman** : i'll pay you

 **wolburscoot** : how much

 **businessman** : how much you want

 **businessman** : we can go as bros 

**wolburscoot** : 1- all 2- ok

 **businessman** : FUCK YEAH 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : POG

 **NOTafurry** : why the hell would you ever want to go to prom w schlatt 

**NOTafurry** : unlike me, he's a furry

 **businessman** : ok fox boy

 **NOTafurry** : SHUT THEUFCK UP

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : hey FUNDY BITCH

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : JE BENT EEN HARIGE

 **NOTafurry:** what

 **NOTafurry** : you just said that youre a hairy what the fuck

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHY IS YOUR LANGUAGE SO WEIRD

 **NOTafurry** : suck it paard 

**wolburscoot** : wHY DID YOU CALL HIM A HORSE????

 **NOTafurry** : SHUT UP HE WAS SUPPOSED TO THINK IT MEANT SMZH ELSE

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FUCK YOU, BITCH

 **wolburscoot** : wait @dreamlmao can i add someone

 **dreamlmao** : idfc go wild 

**skippy** has added **TOES**

 **dreamlmao** : skeppy i did not add vurb on PURPOSE.

 **wolburscoot** has added **niki♥**

 **niki♥** : hello?

 **wolburscoot** : NIKI!!!!!

 **niki♥** : oh hi will! <3

 **TOES** : what up fuckers anyone wanna send toe pics

 **skippy** : yeah ill dm u

 **TOES** : good

 **Philza** : GO TO BED

**12:37 AM**

**niki♥** : will

 **wolburscoot** : yes

 **niki♥** : when is our project due?

 **wolburscoot:** @chilltiredbi when is the project due

 **chilltiredbi** : 2 weeks from now

 **wolburscoot** : 2 weeks from now

 **niki♥** : lol thank you eret and will

 **BEES**!: this is deffo flerting

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : this is deffo flerting

 **BEES!** : this is deffo flertin

 **wolburscoot** : shut up child

 **NOTafurry** : @chilltiredbi when is my project due

 **chilltiredbi** : three days from now

 **badboyhello** : do you guys just use eret as a calendar O.o

 **technopig** : yeah

 **chilltiredbi** : techno your project is due today in like, three hours

 **technopig** : i'll do it later

 **Philza** : ???? 

**technopig** : don't worry about it dad

 **Philza** : Oh my god

 **georgenotfound** : Eret when is prom

 **chilltiredbi** : like 4 weeks from now

 **georgenotfound** : WHY DID YOU ASK ME 4 WEEKS IN ADVANCE DREAM

 **dreamlmao** : so you couldn't back out

 **sippycup** : lmao get played gogy

 **georgenotfound** : STOP CALLING ME THAT

 **dreamlmao** has changed **georgenotfound** 's username to **gogy**

 **gogy** : I am going to break your fucking spine you fuckginvn bitch

 **dreamlmao** : you can't even reach my spine tiny

 **gogy** has left **HELP**

 **dreamlmao** has added **gogy** to **HELP**

 **dreamlmao** : lol no

 **gogy** : I hate you so much

 **dreamlmao** : that's not wht you said last night 

**sippycup** : OOOOOH

 **Philza** : Sapnap can you please just do 1 question

 **Philza** : Please it is one question it's not that hard

 **sippycup** : i'm thirdwheeling phil leave me alone


	4. [chilltiredbi: LEARN TIME MANAGEMENT]

**2:04 AM**

**technopig** : hey eret

 **chilltiredbi** : yes techno

 **technopig** : can you help me with my project

 **chilltiredbi** : techno your project was due two days ago

 **technopig** : please

 **chilltiredbi** : no

 **wolburscoot** : hey eret can u help me w my project

 **chilltiredbi** : YOU ARE BOTH IN COLLEGE

 **chilltiredbi** : LEARN TIME MANAGEMENT

 **niki♥** : eret i think you're asking for a lot when you suggest that

 **NOTafurry** : wilbur? time management? LMAO

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : im great w time management its why all the women love me

 **BEES!** : including the one you killed?

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : yes

 **businessman** : you know, back in 1999 i killed 7 women with my steel-toed timbs 

**wolburscoot** : please stop talking for forever schlatt

 **businessman** : you love me and you know it

 **wolburscoot** : i can't let anyone know that and you know it

 **businessman** : ;)

 **F1NNxROSE** : @skippy

 **F1NNxROSE** : _[image sent]_

 **F1NNxROSE** : _[image sent]_

 **F1NNxROSE** : which one

 **skippy** : both

 **TOES** : all

 **beaverbitch** : 1st one 

**zelk!** : you'd look good in the second one

 **badboyhello** : you'd look good in either one finn!! <33

 **F1NNxROSE** : thanmks bad <3

 **megapvp** : shu the fkcfuu up 

**F1NNxROSE** : no this is important mega

 **skippy** : i thnikh you should wear bith

 **F1NNxROSE** : skeppy im not going to do that

 **zelk!** : finn literally wear the second one

 **wolburscoot** : ^^^^

 **dreamlmao** : finn would look cute in the first, but hot in the second

 **dreamlmao** : depends on which look you're going for

 **F1NNxROSE:** hot

 **dreamlmao** : yeah then wear the second one

 **sippycup** : dream you are DEAD wrong what the fuck. wear the first one finn i'd fuck you

 **F1NNxROSE** : thanks sap

 **sippycup** : yeah ofc

 **dreamlmao** : dude the first one is CUTE. second one is BANGING

 **businessman** : i think dream's right on this one

 **Philza** : Can you all just sleep for ONE night

 **gogy** : No

 **dreamlmao** : sorry phil but it can't happen

 **megapvp** : SHUT THE FUCJ UP

 **F1NNxROSE** : i still dont have a clear answer

 **beaverbitch** : my opinion is the only one that matters wear the first

 **tapltired** : agreed

 **tapltired** : second one isnt hot at all you'd look disgusting

 **tapltired** : you look disgusting normally but that would make it worse

 **NOTafurry** : idk man

 **NOTafurry** : second one is kinda poggers

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : gotta agree w the furry here boys

 **NOTafurry** : IM NOT AUFKCKJG FURRY

**5:09 AM**

**dreamlmao** : question:

 **dreamlmao** : do birds have feelings

 **wolburscoot** : yeah

 **niki♥** : i'd say so, yeah

 **chilltiredbi** : yes

 **gogy** : No they're fucking birds they're stupid

 **sippycup** : george you soulless bitch birds have feleignd

 **skippy** : idk ive never like. haerd on complina aboiut life to em

 **skippy** : who knwos tho

 **badboyhello** : i think everything has feelings :0

 **badboyhello** : animals aren't all that different from us :)

 **dreamlmao** : ok so do i release the bird i just caught w my bare hands or

 **gogy** : WHAT

 **dreamlmao** : it started to fly away and i jumped and then i caught it

 **dreamlmao** : i am unsure what to do

 **Philza** : Dream just let the poor thing go

 **sippycup** : eat it

 **sippycup** : eat it

 **gogy** : What the fuck is wrong with you

 **businessman** : birds are just government spies dream

 **beaverbitch** : ^^^^^^^^^

 **tapltired** : EXACTLY

 **tapltired** : you gotta get rid of it dream

 **beaverbitch** : harvey is right for once in his life, get rid of the thing

 **zelk!** : birds are not government spies schlatt

 **chilltiredbi** : even if they were, they're cute. i like birds

 **niki♥** : same!! 

**wolburscoot** : i'd eat a bird without feeling any guilt

 **gogy** : What the hell is wrong with all of you people

**10:22 AM**

**Philza** : Sapnap

 **sippycup** : yes sir

 **Philza** : Where's your project

 **sippycup** : project

 **Philza** : Yes

 **Philza** : Where

 **sippycup** : i was unaware we had a project

 **Philza** : .

 **Philza** : Sapnap you had three months to work on it

 **sippycup** : huh

 **sippycup** : dont remember that chief 

**wolburscoot** : eret can you play juliet :(

 **chilltiredbi** : why

 **wolburscoot** : niki sick

 **chilltiredbi** : wilbur your project isn't due for another week and a half

 **wolburscoot** : pleade

 **chilltiredbi** : fine

 **businessman** : i'd do it

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt i'm not kissing you

 **businessman** : :(

 **wolburscoot** : not yet

 **businessman** : after marriage?

 **wolburscoot** : after marriage

 **businessman** : FUCK YEAH

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : schlatt will you help me do my project

 **BEES!** : its are project tommy :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : not anymore

 **businessman** : whats it about

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : industrial revolution

 **businessman** : oh lmao i was there for that

 **chilltiredbi** : so was i

 **businessman** : yeah i know i fought you in the War

 **chilltiredbi** : i know :)

 **wolburscoot** : how old are you?

 **businessman** : beginning of time

 **chilltiredbi** : also beginning of time. we're old gods

 **businessman** : yeah

 **BEES!** : eret can you help me w my porject :(

 **niki** ♥: i can help tubbo <3

 **BEES!** : ok!! i'll dm :D

**6:29 PM**

**dreamlmao** : just found another mouse

 **dreamlmao** : might eat it

 **dreamlmao** : gonna freeze it and eat it like a popsicle 

**gogy** : I hate you so much. Like, so much

 **gogy** : SO much

 **sippycup** : send pics


	5. [dreamlmao: mouse is frozen and served]

**12:41 AM**

**dreamlmao** : mouse is frozen and served 

**sippycup** : are you gonna like 

**sippycup** : lick it or

 **dreamlmao** : ew no

 **dreamlmao** : i'm going to bite off its head

 **dreamlmao** : then the rest just slides down my throat

 **Philza** : Dream what class are you in

 **dreamlmao** : i am not going to tell you

 **Philza** : Dream.

 **dreamlmao** : no

 **NOTafurry** : not to be a snitch but like

 **dreamlmao** : if you fucking say a single word fundy i will go the college board and ask them to have a furry awareness day with you as the host because you're too shy to mention it

 **NOTafurry** : lol bet

 **NOTafurry** : anyways, business and economics 

**Philza** : With

 **Philza** : Is Terrance letting you eat the fucking mouse

 **dreamlmao** : terry & i are fucking bros man

 **dreamlmao** : we TIGHT

 **niki♥** : dream?

 **dreamlmao** : yes niki

 **niki♥** : please don't eat the mouse

 **dreamlmao** : niki it's dead it's not like it's going to feel anything

 **businessman** : i mean if you get sick you're gonna be in debt

 **businessman** : i mean i wouldn't know or anytthrinan,

 **wolburscoot** : -90k in debt

 **wolburscoot** : are you ok

 **businessman** : no

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ITS OK BIG MAN SCHLATT ILL GET YOU OUT OF DEBT

 **businessman** : ok tommy

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I AM VERY SUCCESSFUL 

**BEES!** : it's true :D

 **badboyhello** : @skippy

 **badboyhello** : skeppppyyyyy :(

 **badboyhello** : :D

 **skippy** : bad i'm not fgoing to do your stuodi prkject with you

 **badboyhello** : D:

 **skippy** : don't do rthasht 

**skippy** : oh my gofd

 **badboyhello** : :D

 **skippy** : FINE.

 **badboyhello** : YAY!!!!

 **F1NNxROSE** : hey tapl

 **tapltired** : please dear god no

 **F1NNxROSE** : did you steal

 **F1NNxROSE** : my FUCKING knife

 **beaverbitch** : why would harvey take your knife

 **tapltired** : haha yeah why 

**tapltired** : why would i do that

 **F1NNxROSE** : WHERE IS IT

 **tapltired** : I GAVE YOU 20 DOLLARS IN EXCHANGE

 **zelk!** : unsurprised 

**zelk!** : he destroyed my garden a month ago :(

 **tapltired** : THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT I SWEAR

 **beaverbitch** : he also almost burnt down my house

 **tapltired** : this is just bullying at this point 

**skippy** : we're just poijng out ur flaws

 **zelk!** : which include: petty theft, arson, lying, awfulness

 **F1NNxROSE** : if my knife isn't back on this desk in 20 minutes harvey i'm going to use it to get rid of smth important

 **tapltired** : like what

 **F1NNxROSE** : you know what

 **tapltired** : oh

 **tapltired** : oH

 **tapltired** : OK SKIPPING CLASS

**2:02 PM**

**gogy** : Dream

 **dreamlmao** : yes babe

 **gogy** : Shut the fuck up

 **gogy** : Did you eat the mouse

 **dreamlmao** : no phil called terrance and told him to not let me :(

 **Philza** : Don't act like that

 **chilltiredbi** : where are you even finding all of these mice dream

 **dreamlmao** : sidewalk

 **chilltiredbi** : why are you picking them off and eating them off of the sidewalk dream

 **dreamlmao** : tastey


	6. [gogy: Eret I need so much help]

**6:01 AM**

_conversation between **gogy** and **chilltiredbi**_

**gogy** : Eret I need so much help

 **chilltiredbi** : dream?

 **gogy** : SHUT THE FUCK UP WHORE

 **gogy** : Anyways

 **chilltiredbi** : george

 **gogy** : You know what

 **gogy** : You're useless, I'm dming Niki

 **chilltiredbi** : she's going to say the exact same thing as me george

**6:09 AM**

**gogy** : I need help with my project

 **chilltiredbi** : it's due in 21 minutes exactly

 **gogy** : Eret if you speak to me one more time I am going to kill you

 **chilltiredbi** : ily2 gogy

 **niki♥** : @sippycup why is george in a bad mood

 **gogy** : I'm not

 **chilltiredbi** : he's angry w me bc i didn't help him w his project

 **wolburscoot** : whats it over gogy

 **gogy** : Don't call me that

 **wolburscoot** : :(

 **gogy** : It's Romeo & Juliet 

**gogy** : I don't have a Juliet

 **wolburscoot** : eret & i are doing that

 **wolburscoot** : just ask like

 **wolburscoot** : your prom date or the other one

 **sippycup** : FUCK YOU BITCH

 **dreamlmao** : i'll be the romeo to your juliet george

 **gogy** : I regret asking 

**gogy** : Niki?

 **wolburscoot** : george there's a reason i'm doing this with eret

 **niki** ♥: i'm sick, sorry!! :((

 **gogy** : Fuck

 **dreamlmao** : pick me pick me pick me pick me

 **sippycup** : PICK ME

 **dreamlmao** : NO ME

 **sippycup** : DREAM. GEORGE IS MINE

 **dreamlmao:** JUST CAUSE YOURE IN HIS DMS DOESNT MEAN YOURE IN HIS BED BITCH

 **wolburscoot** : ^^^^^ MANS GOT A POINT

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : POG DREAM POG!!! GO BIG MAN

 **chilltiredbi** : george your project is due in 12 minutes

 **dreamlmao** : what class are you in rn george

 **gogy** : I

 **gogy** : It's some stupid ag class on the second floor

 **dreamlmao** : ahh got it i'm owm

 **gogy** : Are you actually

**7:09 PM**

**sippycup** : well that was a fucking disaster 

**gogy** : Shut the fuck up

 **dreamlmao** : i thought it was hilarious 

**chilltiredbi** : dream you jumped from the stage tower

 **dreamlmao:** and landed right in georges arms <3

 **wolburscoot** : dream you crushed him

 **dreamlmao** : it was still hilarious

 **businessman** : not as bad as the presentation scoot & i gave over the triangle shirtwaist factory fire

 **wolburscoot** : FUCK YOU


	7. [wolburscoot: ERET]

**7:01 AM**

**wolburscoot** : eret

 **wolburscoot** : eret

 **wolburscoot** : ERET

 **chilltiredbi** : i know

 **wolburscoot** : ERET

 **chilltiredbi** : I KNOW

 **chilltiredbi** : project due soon

 **chilltiredbi** : do you know your lines

 **wolburscoot** : no but i'll improvise 

**chilltiredbi** : please don't

 **wolburscoot** : i just have to kill myself after i think that youre dead

 **chilltiredbi** : yes

 **chilltiredbi** : but that isn't the plot, wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : it's ok we'll figure it out

**9:02 AM**

**chilltiredbi** : i can't believe you made me jump from the tower

 **chilltiredbi** : and then you didn't catch me

 **chilltiredbi** : and now i'm in the hospital for a broken wrist

 **wolburscoot** : you did very well though

 **chilltiredbi** : I NEEDED A GOOD GRADE OF FUCKING COURSE I KEPT DOING THE PLAY

 **wolburscoot** : I DIDNT THINK YOUD JUMP

 **Philza** : I

 **Philza** : Why

 **wolburscoot** : it's his fault dad 

**chilltiredbi** : it is absolutely not 

**niki** ♥: do you want me to bring you something from the vending machine, eret?

 **chilltiredbi** : no it's okay niki

 **chilltiredbi** : thank you though

 **chilltiredbi** : @NOTafurry

 **NOTafurry** : what the fuck do you want btich

 **chilltiredbi** : read me a story

 **NOTafurry** : ok which hospital room is yours

 **chilltiredbi** : i'll scream

 **NOTafurry** : got u

**12:30 AM**

**dreamlmao** : guess who found another mouse :)

 **gogy** : Dream please dear god stop 

**gogy** : You're going to get sick and die and then you're going to leave me with Snapmap

 **sippycup** : call me snapmap 1 more time and we're gonna have issues gogy bithc

 **gogy** : Fuck you

 **sippycup** : you would

 **dreamlmao** : you really think he'd fuck you?

 **dreamlmao** : sapnap he's like..the ultimate not top

 **gogy** : What the fuclk

 **chilltiredbi** : dream there are children around

 **niki** ♥: eret tommy & tubbo are in college 

**BEES!** : not yet!! i will in a few months!!!

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : disgusting

 **BEES!** : D:

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : you know im just joking big man

 **technopig** : tired

 **technopig** : very tired

 **technopig** : stayed up 2 nights to work on stupid project 

**Philza** : Maybe you shouldn't have not done it for three months

 **Philza** : Speaking of

 **Philza** : Sapnap

 **sippycup** : no

 **sippycup** : do not even start father dearest

 **wolburscoot** : stfu you arent even his kid

 **wolburscoot** : bitch

 **sippycup** : what r u protective of ur dad wilbur

 **sippycup** : kinda sus

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : SHUT UP BITCH

 **chilltiredbi** : fundy :(

 **NOTafurry** : yeah yeah chill it

 **chilltiredbi** : i want my story fundy

 **NOTafurry** : you'll get your fucking story once you give me three minutes

 **chilltiredbi** : fundy it's been three hours

 **NOTafurry** : yeah and?

 **niki♥** : i'll come to visit you eret <3

 **chilltiredbi** : THANK you niki

 **chilltiredbi** : finally, a REAL friend

 **dreamlmao** : i love you and you know it bitch

 **chilltiredbi** : <3

 **dreamlmao** : <3

 **dreamlmao** : and you george

 **dreamlmao** : i love you too

 **gogy** : Gross

 **gogy** : I don't

 **sippycup** : it's ok dream //I// love you

 **businessman** : wilbur

 **businessman** : wilbur man

 **businessman** : the love of my life

 **wolburscoot** : what schlatt

 **businessman** : please

 **businessman** : i need assistance on my project

 **wolburscoot** : what's it about

 **businessman** : alright now you're gonna love this

**4:08 PM**

**wolburscoot** : hi everyone, i'm back to say that schlatt dmed me to ask if i wanted to help him with his sexual reproductive project and showed me a picture of his blank cardboard poster with "please i'm horny" on it

 **businessman** : and you said yes

 **wolburscoot** : i did not

 **businessman** : ;)

 **wolburscoot** : go to bed

 **businessman** : it's 4 in the afternoon wilbur

 **chilltiredbi** : for reference

 **chilltiredbi** : that project was due last year

 **chilltiredbi** : so props on keeping that poster schlatt

 **businessman** : thank you

 **businessman** : i knew i'd need it

 **Philza** : Wilbur please turn in your three missing assignments

 **Philza** : I don't even care if they're not done I just don't see how you manage to get away with this

 **wolburscoot** : sand

 **Philza** : I'm disowning you

 **wolburscoot** : wait no


	8. [businessman: did you drug him??? why is he talking like that]

**3:03 AM**

**Philza** : Schlatt

 **businessman** : yes sir

 **Philza** : Wilbur is sick

 **Philza** : He won't be going to prom

 **businessman** : you're fucking kidding me

 **Philza** : :(

 **businessman** : brb gonna fucking die

 **wolburscoot** : its ok schaltt u gave vissit my grave

 **businessman** : did you drug him??? why is he talking like that

 **Philza** : Nyquil

 **wolburscoot** : ly4

 **businessman** : oh my god

 **businessman** : ofc he admits his love for me when he's dying

 **Philza** : He's not dying Schlatt

 **businessman** : close enough to it 

**dreamlmao** : @sippycup

 **dreamlmao** : bad news

 **sippycup** : ye what up bro

 **dreamlmao** : george sleeping on couch here

 **dreamlmao** : helmp 

**dreamlmao** : dunno what to do w him

 **sippycup** : why is he there in the first place

 **sippycup** : were u like

 **sippycup** : premarital hand holding

 **dreamlmao** : yeah

 **dreamlmao** : help

 **sippycup** : can't help a sinner, dream

 **businessman** : just carry him up the stairs and put him at the top of the stairs 

**businessman** : kick him down

 **dreamlmao** : this is why wilbur won't date you schlatt

 **wolburscoot** : ehs righ

 **businessman** : its ok ive got commitment issues anyways 

**chilltiredbi** : phil

 **Philza** : Yes Eret

 **chilltiredbi** : can i have an extra 2 days to work on this 

**chilltiredbi** : i broke my dominant wrist :(

 **Philza** : Of course you can Eret

 **skippy** : 10 DOLALRS BET I CAN SWAWKLWO THIS ENTUEE BOTTLE OF ORANG ENUIE

 **zelk!** : what

 **F1NNxROSE** : zak you always type like you're having a stroke

 **skippy** : ORAGNE JSUCE

 **badboyhello** : skeppy go to bed >:(

 **skippy** : LOL NO DRINJK ORMANGE JUISE

 **BEES!** : why do you all ways talk at 3 in the morig :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : SHUT THE FUCK UP AT LET T-MONEY SLEEP

 **BEES!** : lulw thank you tommy <3

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHATEVER

 **megapvp** : shut the fucking fuck up oh my fucking god i hate you all so much 

**6:09 AM**

**dreamlmao** : @Philza

 **dreamlmao** : bad news

 **Philza** : What did you do this time

 **dreamlmao** : first of all, rude

 **dreamlmao** : second

 **dreamlmao** : george sick he not coming

 **dreamlmao** : i don't trust him to be alone when he's sick. he's a monster when he's sick. no morals. it's awful

 **Philza** : You know, it might be a sudden reappearance of the Bubonic Plague 

**sippycup** : LMAO DREAM IS OUR DEMISE

 **dreamlmao** : STFU I ONLY HAD 2

 **sippycup** : you didnt eat the thrid one?

 **dreamlmao** : i did not

 **dreamlmao** : george said he wouldnt go to prom w me if i did :(

 **sippycup** : simp

 **dreamlmao** : i gotta

 **chilltiredbi** : fundy

 **NOTafurry** : no

 **chilltiredbi** : pleabs

 **NOTafurry** : eret i am not driving to the hospital to read you a fucking bedtime story

 **badboyhello** : hi!! language, fundy :(

 **badboyhello** : also, phil, skeppy is sick :(( i don't want to leave him alone :(

 **Philza** : That's fine Bad

 **Philza** : @everyone

 **Philza** : Wilbur, Skeppy, Niki, George, and Eret are all sick. Stay away from them, seems to be an infection

 **chilltiredbi** : i am not sick

 **Philza** : You're in the hospital

 **chilltiredbi** : phil me jumping off a tower to land in your sons arms is not the same as me being sick

 **Philza** : Fair enough

 **NOTafurry** : he's sick lol the doctors think he's got strep

 **chilltiredbi** : rude

 **NOTafurry** : how is that rude i just told them what they told me

 **chilltiredbi** : why were they talking to you?

 **NOTafurry** : i told them i was ur caregiver

 **chilltiredbi** : .

 **chilltiredbi** : i hope you get sick

**10:56 AM**

**sippycup** : bad news chat

 **sippycup** : dream's coming down w the same thing as george

 **sippycup** : dream is ok when he's sick but i still don't trust him

 **sippycup** : so i'll also be sick soon enough while i'm babysitting them

 **technopig** : same 

**technopig** : tommy's sick too

 **BEES!** : D:

 **technopig** : he'll be fine 

**technopig** : hopefully not

 **technopig** : but whatever. wilbur is worse than him atm. wilbur is always worse when he's sick

 **sippycup** : how?

 **beaverbitch** : sapnap he grabbed me by the back of my shirt and tried to serenade me with a song

 **zelk!** : can confirm, wwas there

 **F1NNxROSE** : i was also there it was hilarious 

**Philza** : He's singing E-girl atm 

**skippy** : HAHHA GOT THEORNAFE JUSE

 **badboyhello** : hi i'm so sorry about that he'll be going back to bed now :D

 **skippy** : IO EWILL NOT EBE

 **tapltired** : gl bad he's awful to wrangle into bed

 **tapltired** : wait

 **tapltired** : shit

 **F1NNxROSE** : WOAHHHH

 **beaverbitch** : YOURE NOT EVEN MARRIED TO HIM YET HARVEY

 **zelk!** : i'm disappointed in you both

 **zelk!** : mostly you harvey

 **zelk!** : i always expect nothing from zak


	9. [dreamlmao: george go back to sleep i hear you wriggling around in there]

**2:30 AM**

**wolburscoot** : tired

 **technopig** : tired

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : tired

 **Philza** : Tired

 **gogy** : wheremst 

**dreamlmao** : george go back to sleep i hear you wriggling around in there 

**gogy** : what

 **dreamlmao** : brb gonna go beat his ass

 **sippycup** : in what context 

**dreamlmao** : you're next 

**sippycup** : sounds festive

 **sippycup** : howre wilbur & the child doing phil

 **Philza** : Wilbur is still fever dream singing, Tommy is mostly yelling

 **Philza** : Their normal personalities but amplified 

**sippycup** : ah i see

 **sippycup** : george has become a lifeless puddle of mush 

**chilltiredbi** : dream said that he became awful when he got sick?

 **sippycup** : dream is a drama queen

 **sippycup** : george mostly just gets snuggly and won't leave you alone

 **NOTafurry** : sounds like george and dream switch personalities when they're sick 

**sippycup** : LMAO YEAH

 **sippycup** : but dream isn't NEARLY as clingy as george is when he's sick like holy FUCK

 **badboyhello** : skeppy has been asleep the whole day o.O

 **badboyhello** : i don't mind but i miss him :(

 **zelk!** : you live with him

 **F1NNxROSE** : you see him everyday

 **beaverbitch** : you moved in w him 3 years ago

 **TOES** : you spend every waking moment with him

 **tapltired** : how can you "miss" him

 **badboyhello** : i just do, okay? >:(

 **tapltired** : when are you gonna admit youre in love with him

 **badboyhello** : i do love skeppy!

 **TOES** : in the boyfriend way?

 **badboyhello** : what??

 **beaverbitch** : do you love him in the boyfriend way

 **F1NNxROSE** : do you want to date him?

 **zelk!** : kiss him?

 **TOES** : ^^^

 **sippycup** : guys stop bullying bad he's just shy

 **F1NNxROSE** : at this rate, sapnap, it's going to take them 50 years before they say anything

 **sippycup** : i have literally been thirdwheeling ever since dream met george, finn

 **sippycup** : i have played the waiting game with both of them for 9 years now, finn

 **sippycup** : i know this, finn

 **F1NNxROSE** : no need to be dramatic about it samsung refrigerator

 **gogy** : helmp :(

 **sippycup** : what do you want george

 **gogy** : food

 **sippycup** : bother dream

 **gogy** : @dreamlmao :(

 **dreamlmao** : sapnap you are literally in the kitchen right now 

**dreamlmao** : LET ME TAKE A SHOWER PLEASE ITS BEEN 2 DAYS I HATE IT

 **gogy** : please :(

 **sippycup** : no. bother dream

 **dreamlmao** : sapnap there are no words for what is going to happen to you

 **sippycup** : ily2 <3

 **dreamlmao** : die

 **skippy** : heheheheh helo 

**skippy** : snuack my phoen from bad 

**skippy** : && yeshe dose loke me in the bf way

 **skippy** : i ju now it 

**badboyhello** : skeppy go to BED >:(

**4:02 AM**

**technopig** : eret

 **chilltiredbi** : yes techno

 **technopig** : help

 **chilltiredbi** : with?

 **technobig** : life

 **chilltiredbi** : techno your project is due in five days you have time

 **Philza** : Eret I

 **Philza** : How did you end up in this position

 **chilltiredbi** : made the mistake of offering to tell dream when his project was due a few weeks in advance so he could dick around until then

 **chilltiredbi** : now i am the calendar man

 **NOTafurry** : eret

 **chilltiredbi** : 2 months

 **NOTafurry** : ok thank

 **chilltiredbi** : np

 **sippycup** : _[image sent]_

 **sippycup** : heres a picture of goggles and pissboy cuddling 

**NOTafurry** : theyre going to kill you when they wake up

 **niki** ♥: sapnap you're playing a risky game

 **niki** ♥: do you have a place to stay when they try to kill you?

 **sippycup** : theyre both sick i could push them over with my foot 


	10. [TOES: i cant believe i was the one paying the bills and i didnt even get toe pics in return]

**6:09 AM**

**F1NNxROSE** : bad news lmao

 **F1NNxROSE** : guess which bitch got sick

 **F1NNxROSE** : me, zelk, & spifey 

**beaverbitch** : i knew living in the same house as you would be a bad move

 **zelk!** : oh shut up it was vurbs fault and you know it

 **TOES** : not my fault i had to move out 

**TOES** : i cant believe i was the one paying the bills and i didnt even get toe pics in return

 **tapltired** : lmao get fucked losers

 **tapltired** : thank god i moved out a long time ago

 **F1NNxROSE** : you are never welcome back at the apartment ever again

 **tapltired** : :(

 **beaverbitch** : i'm burning the spare room down

 **zelk!** : how

 **beaverbitch** : controlled fire

 **badboyhello** : please do not 

**badboyhello** : i shouldn't have to tell you why it's a bad idea to try and start a controlled fire in your apartment complex 

**beaverbitch** : :)

 **badboyhello** : :(

 **dreamlmao** : @sippycup

 **dreamlmao** : wake your ass up bitch

 **badboyhello** : language >:(

 **dreamlmao** : wake your buttocks up you b*t*h

 **badboyhello** : i..

 **badboyhello** : i'll accept that

 **sippycup** : what u want

 **dreamlmao** : you know what you did

 **sippycup** : heheheheheeeeee

 **sippycup** : so you found my surprise?

 **dreamlmao** : yes and go clean it the fuck up before george wakes up and sees it too

 **sippycup** : fine 

**sippycup** : did you like it

 **dreamlmao** : no

 **dreamlmao** : -18/10

 **sippycup** : but i spent like 30 minutes on it

 **dreamlmao** : fuck you

 **megapvp** : i hate you all

 **zelk!** : we know mega

 **megapvp** : i'm going to murder all of you

 **TOES** : we know mega

 **megapvp** : you have 2 weeks

 **technopig** : we know mega

 **megapvp** : good

 **megapvp** : fuck you

**2:00 PM**

**chilltiredbi** : fundy

 **chilltiredbi** : fundy i'm going to beat you to death

 **chilltiredbi** : fundy

 **chilltiredbi** : fundy what did you do

 **NOTafurry** : signed you up for the romeo and juliet play

 **chilltiredbi** : fundy i'm going to 

**dreamlmao** : eret chill i already dmed the college director and asked him to start up a furry awareness day

 **NOTafurry** : no you didnt

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **dreamlmao** : yes i did

 **NOTafurry** : OKAY IM UNSIGNHING YOUB UPO DW ERET UTS OKAY DREA MO PLEADE

 **dreamlmao** : :)

 **dreamlmao** : i hope you like the fursuit i'm buying you

 **dreamlmao** : i started a gofundme and i already have 3k to buy one 

**NOTafurry** : NO FUCKING WAY

 **dreamlmao** : i planned ahead, furry

 **dreamlmao** : oops, *fundy

 **NOTafurry** : FUcK YOU FUCK FYOCU FUCKUYFCNUFCK YOU FUCK YFOU FUCK UFOU FUCK OUY FYCK UOU

 **businessman** : what the fuck

 **wolburscoot** : yeah me to

 **BEES!** : i'm so confused 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : dont worry about it big man

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : its just dream being dream

 **BEES!** : fare enough

 **BEES!** : hey niki? can you help me :(

 **BEES!** : its english homework and the teachar doesnt like me

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : what is it because youre dyslexic

 **BEES!** : i think so

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : i'll beat him to death with my bare hands tubbo

 **BEES!** : tommy no its ok

 **niki** ♥: no it's not :(

 **niki** ♥: i agree with tommy 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : THANK YOU NIKI

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : whats his name tubbo

 **BEES!** : mr mathews

 **technopig** : oh

 **technopig** : him

 **technopig** : tommy i'm going with you i never got my revenge on him


	11. [technopig: mr fucking matthews]

**3:00 PM**

**technopig** : mr fucking matthews

 **technopig** : i hate him

 **Philza** : Was he the one who gave you a bad grade once

 **technopig** : IT WAS BULLSHIT DAD

 **technopig** : HE MARKED IT A 0 WHEN I TURNED IT IN AND HE WAS JUST UPSET IT WAS BETTER THAN HIS

 **BEES!** : guys we really dont have to its ok

 **BEES!** : i just need help on my inglish paper thats all :)

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : no tubbo stfu

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : we're going to kill him

 **niki♥** : ^^^^^

 **technopig** : father

 **Philza** : Child

 **technopig** : if i get arrested i want you to pay my bail

 **Philza** : Techno just don't beat him to death

 **Philza** : Say it was self defense 

**technopig** : ok dad

 **technopig** : alright sibling #2 and niki lets go beat a nerd to death

 **BEES!** : please dont :(

**5:09 PM**

**Philza** : @technopig

 **Philza** : Please tell me you didn't waste your one call on Wilbur

 **Philza** : Techno

 **technopig** : i didn't because i am not in jail

 **technopig** : however

 **technopig** : i do have iss for the next three months

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : i've got detention for the next 4

 **niki♥** : and i have a mixture of both for 2 

**BEES!** : phil it was so bad

 **BEES!** : phil i didnt mean to get your suns in trouble phil

 **BEES!** : they sort of just appared 

**Philza** : It's fine Tubbo

 **Philza** : What exactly did you do to him

 **niki♥** : i um

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : NIKI TOLD HIM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH

 **technopig** : tommy also said that

 **technopig** : i told him that i had evidence that he illegally was using school money for his heroine problem and he immediately asked me how i knew that so idk if you want to report that to the board or what

 **technopig** : i always had a feeling

 **niki♥** : you should've seen the look on his face phil

 **niki♥** : i don't like getting involved but he was so mean :(

 **technopig** : it was hilarious

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HES GONNA LOSE HIS JOB RIGHT DAD????

 **Philza** : I

 **Philza** : Unsure

 **niki** ♥: i hope he does

 **niki♥** : he was such a prick

 **skippy** : hehehhehemmm,,,

 **skippy** : stolene phone time 

**badboyhello** : skeppy

 **badboyhello** : do not

 **dreamlmao** : george is slightly less sick than he had been a day back

 **dreamlmao** : that's the good news

 **dreamlmao** : bad news is that sapnap is sick now

 **Philza** : Wilbur is almost over his sickness

 **Philza** : Tommy, how are you feeling?

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FEELING GOOD

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : SEE WHAT I DID THERE

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : POG LUL

 **wolburscoot** : i hate him

 **wolburscoot** : can we get rid of him

 **Philza** : Wilbur I can't just return an adopted child

 **wolburscoot** : bet

 **technopig** : wilbur what does that mean

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HAHA PLEASE DONT

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : DAD DO NOT IM THE FAVOURITE

 **Philza** : I don't have favourites

 **Philza** : I don't like all of you equally 

**Philza** : <3

 **wolburscoot** : dad i

 **technopig** : :(

 **wolburscoot** : :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : NOT POG

 **Philza** : You know I'm kidding

 **Philza** : I love you all <33

 **BEES!** : theyre moving me to a different elgish class

 **BEES!** : thank u guys :D

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : POG

 **technopig** : good

 **niki** ♥: if anyone bothers you just tell us, ok tubbo?

 **BEES!** : ok niki! :D

 **niki** ♥: <3

 **dreamlmao** : hey uhh phil

 **Philza** : Yes, bubonic plague

 **dreamlmao** : ok rude

 **dreamlmao** : sapnap isnt gonna be coming in anytime soon

 **dreamlmao** : he's sicker than george is

 **sippycup** : i am not

 **sippycup** : i just have a fever

 **dreamlmao** : of 105

 **Philza** : Dream take him to the hospital oh my god

 **dreamlmao** : no

 **badboyhello** : @zelk! @beaverbitch @F1NNxROSE

 **badboyhello** : how are you guys doing? :)

 **F1NNxROSE** : tired

 **beaverbitch** : dead

 **zelk!** : i wish for death

 **TOES** : lmao get fucked losers

 **tapltired** : ^^^

 **tapltired** : spifey 

**beaverbitch** : harvey

 **tapltired** : wanna be in the furry awareness club

 **NOTafurry** : GO FUCK YOURSELVES


	12. [dreamlmao: snappymappy has been taken to hospital]

**7:09 PM**

**dreamlmao** : snappymappy has been taken to hospital

 **dreamlmao** : do i just leave him there or what

 **Philza** : No

 **Philza** : Stay with him jfc

 **Philza** : You are a terrible friend

 **dreamlmao** : no i am simply practical

 **dreamlmao** : also george is in the car w the window cracked slightly

 **dreamlmao** : that's good enough right

 **Philza** : Why did you bring George

 **dreamlmao** : didn't trust him alone

 **Philza** : He's alone right now

 **dreamlmao** : it's fine he doesn't have the keys 

**Philza** : Dream you disappoint me

 **wolburscoot** : he disappoints everyone

 **dreamlmao** : it's true

 **technopig** : father figure

 **Philza** : What

 **technopig** : i have bad news

 **Philza** : What did you do

 **technopig** : got another month of iss

 **Philza** : HOW

 **technopig** : went back and punched mr matthews in the face

 **Philza** : Oh my god

 **Philza** : I am both proud and

 **Philza** : Nah I'm just proud

 **Philza** : Good job

 **Philza** : How hard did you hit him?

 **technopig** : out

 **technopig** : didn't even hit him that hard and he still passed out

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME DO THAT WHEN WE WERE ALL THERE

 **technopig** : because i'm already in college 

**technopig** : they can kick me out to be fair but they won't

 **technopig** : dream & i make this school look good

 **Philza** : I wish that wasn't as true as it was

**2:21 AM**

**BEES!** : guys they moved me to another enlgis class!!!!

 **BEES!** : the one w mr hedges?

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : THATS MY ENGLISH CLASS BIG MAN

 **technopig** : he is a very good teacher

 **technopig** : just don't fall asleep

 **businessman** : ^^^^^

 **businessman** : fucker tied my shoelaces together and glued my hand to the table

 **technopig** : he slammed a book right next to my head three times

 **wolburscoot** : hedges literally sat right in front of me and stared at me until i woke up

 **wolburscoot** : it was fucking terrifying

 **wolburscoot** : i love him

 **badboyhello** : !!! hedges is so nice!! :DD

 **badboyhello** : you'll really like him tubbo! :D

 **BEES!** : :D

 **skippy** : bad come tbajkci you wwre aemr

 **zelk!** : what the fuck was that even supposed to mean skeppy

 **F1NNxROSE** : his typing gets progressively worse the more he does it

 **beaverbitch** : yeah i know

 **beaverbitch** : it's weird bc he talks like that irl too

 **zelk!** : ikr

 **zelk!** : i dont know how he does it 

**TOES** : and IM the weird one

 **tapltired** : you are

 **tapltired** : people literally know you as the toe man

 **TOES** : THATS YOUR FAULT HARVEY

 **beaverbitch** : actually finn started it

 **F1NNxROSE** : NO??? SKEPPY DID

 **F1NNxROSE** : SKEPPY STARTS EVERYTHING

 **tapltired** : ^^^^^^^

 **beaverbitch** : tru enough

 **skippy** : ididfnyn

 **badboyhello** : that translates over to "i didn't"

 **skippy** : thnamsk

 **zelk!** : i think we all know what that one means

 **dreamlmao** : i can understand it when skeppy says like

 **dreamlmao** : singular words

 **dreamlmao** : but once he tries to put them into a sentence it just goes downhill

 **skippy** : fmmFUK UOU

 **megapvp** : fuck you

**5:53 AM**

**dreamlmao** : snapmap is fine

 **dreamlmao** : they just like

 **dreamlmao** : drugged him and shit so he's good

 **gogy** : dream :(

 **dreamlmao** : OH FUCK YOURE STILL IN THE CAR


	13. [gogy: but i took a nap]

**6:00 AM**

_conversation between **dreamlmao** and **gogy**_

**dreamlmao** : IM SO SORRY

 **dreamlmao** : WHY DIDNT YOU TEXT ME EARLIER??????

 **gogy** : tired :(

 **dreamlmao** : GEORGE

 **dreamlmao** : OH MY GOD

 **dreamlmao** : ????????? THAT DOESNT MEAN YOU JUST DONT DM ME

 **gogy** : but i took a nap

 **gogy** : and then i woke up and you werent there :(

 **dreamlmao** : you are so fucking lucky youre 

**dreamlmao** : sigh

 **dreamlmao** : omw dumbass

 **dreamlmao** : <3

 **gogy** : <3

**7:09 AM**

**sippycup** : i am so disappointed in my friends

 **sippycup** : i got to spend a nice date night with my brofriend 

**sippycup** : and then his boyfriend had to go and ruin it

 **dreamlmao** : george is also my brofriend sapnap

 **dreamlmao** : i have to divide time equally

 **sippycup** : well i know i'm more important now

 **sippycup** : you forgot the other one in the car 

**sippycup** : or was that so he wouldnt third wheel us? ;)

 **dreamlmao** : stfu he's dead weight now

 **dreamlmao** : he will not walk on his own

 **dreamlmao** : little shit slept for the entire time and he still is tired

 **Philza** : He's sick, bubonic plague

 **dreamlmao** : STOP CALLING ME THAT

 **wolburscoot** : haha fuck you bubonic plague

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HELLO TUBBO

 **BEES!** : hello tommyinnit

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ENGLISH CLASS IS TO THE LEFT AND NOT THE RIGHT

 **BEES!** : oh oops

 **BEES!** : why didn't you just talk to me irl

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHY WOULD I DO THAT

 **BEES!** : :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : OK TUBBO JUST FOR YOU

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HERE YOU GO

 **technopig** : father

 **Philza** : Please tell me he didn't

 **technopig** : he did

 **technopig** : i'm not taking him to school anymore

 **technopig** : i have never heard a child scream so loud in my entire life

 **BEES!** : TOMMY I DIDNT MEAN LIKE THAT

 **dreamlmao** : sapnap would do the same thing 

**sippycup** : it was hilarious and you know it

 **businessman** : it was not

 **skippy** : it was not

 **businessman** : jinx bitch you owe me your tax money

 **skippy** : WHAT

 **skippy** : TWZXE MONEY??????

 **beaverbitch** : schlatt don't joke around like that w him when he's sick

 **beaverbitch** : he'll actually do it

 **businessman** : do you think i don't know that spifey 

**tapltired** : smart

 **tapltired** : exploit the bastard for all he's worth

 **F1NNxROSE** : tapl

 **tapltired** : yes finnster

 **F1NNxROSE** : i want my money back tapl

 **tapltired** : that isn't going to happen finnster

 **zelk!** : what did harvey do this time

 **beaverbitch** : ^^^^

 **F1NNxROSE** : stole 50 bucks from our dorm 

**F1NNxROSE** : from my room at least

 **beaverbitch** : harvey did you go into my room

 **tapltired** : um

 **tapltired** : no

 **beaverbitch** : harvey

 **tapltired** : i'm already a county over you cant get me in time

 **zelk!** : hey phil

 **zelk!** : skipping class to go hunt down tapl

 **Philza** : Ok be safe

 **zelk!** : i will

 **Philza** : Have fun

 **zelk!** : i won't 

**beaverbitch** : beat him up for me

 **F1NNxROSE** : and me

 **skippy** : me too

 **TOES** : and me

 **TOES** : beat him up for me too 

**zelk!** : you're so demanding 

**tapltired** : im two counties over now bitch whatre u gonna do

 **badboyhello** : tapl, language D:<

 **badboyhello** : don't beat him up :(

 **beaverbitch** : we have to 

**beaverbitch** : thems the rules 

**10:02 AM**

**Philza** : Techno

 **technopig** : dad stop texting me i'm in class

 **Philza** : No you're not lmao

 **Philza** : I see you Techno

 **technopig** : no you don't

 **Philza** : Yes I do :)

 **technopig** : father it isn't what it looks like

 **wolburscoot** : it definitely is what it looks like

 **dreamlmao** : it's fine whatever he's doing is probably fine

 **dreamlmao** : not like they can kick him out anyways

 **dreamlmao** : both of us are safe from expulsion no matter what we do 

**sippycup** : i hate how that's true

 **Philza** : Me too, Sapnap

 **Philza** : Me too

 **dreamlmao** : hey we bring in MAD CASH

 **technopig** : i hate how i'm the star student next to HIM.

 **dreamlmao** : ily2 <3

 **technopig** : die

 **technopig** : i only am friends with you for the clout

 **dreamlmao** : i know ;)

 **dreamlmao** : i'm your clout daddy

 **technopig** : .

 **technopig** : dad expel him 


	14. [NOTafurry: why the FUCK]

**9:01 AM**

**NOTafurry** : dream.

 **NOTafurry** : why the FUCK

 **NOTafurry** : did johnson just ask me to go to the office 

**dreamlmao** : :)

 **NOTafurry** : you didn't.

 **NOTafurry** : there's no way

 **zelk!** : _[image sent]_

 **zelk!** : _[image sent]_

 **zelk!** : ohhh harrrrveeeeyyyy

 **tapltired** : HOW DID YIU FIND ME

 **gogy** : w

 **gogy** : what's happening 

**sippycup** : you're in dream's bed right

 **gogy** : i think 

**sippycup** : infer 

**gogy** : .

 **gogy** : dream.

 **dreamlmao** : SAPNAP

 **dreamlmao** : OH MY GOD

 **dreamlmao** : NO.

 **sippycup** : HAHAHHAHAHAHAAA

 **dreamlmao** : george you passed out in the car so i picked you up and threw you in the room

 **dreamlmao** : you're still sick

 **dreamalmao** : i'll bring you tylenol 

**sippycup** : why didnt you bring me tylenol

 **dreamlmao** : i took you to the hospital bitch

 **dreamlmao** : i did my duty

 **tapltired** : FUCKUFCKYFCJUFKC HELP

 **zelk!** : no one can save you now harvey 

**Philza** : I'm going to take a very long break

 **Philza** : Dream I cannot believe you fucking

 **Philza** : I can believe it but I do not want to

 **NOTafurry** : PHILTHELL THEM TO CANCLE IT

 **NOTafurry** : PLEADE

 **Philza** : Fundy I can't I'm so sorry

 **NOTafurry** : DRSAM YOU BTICH IM GONA KILL YOU FOR THIS

 **wolburscoot** : theres no way he actually did it

 **sippycup** : _[image sent]_

 **sippycup** : he did

 **technopig** : i'm not sure if i want to laugh or be disappointed 

**dreamlmao** : it's fundy, laugh

 **dreamlmao** : i'll start up a swordfighting club if you want me to

 **technopig** : i've already asked and they said no

 **dreamlmao** : that was freshman year when they didn't know you were important

 **technopig** : true enough

 **technopig** : i'll ask again

 **dreamlmao** : you know they'll say yes

 **dreamlmao** : unrelated but i just found a dead bird

 **gogy** : ew wtf dont pick it up 

**dreamlmao** : i'm going to bring it to furry awareness club

 **NOTafurry** : FOC UFJCUGBNDIE BTICH TUCIUT NYOU

 **tapltired** : @beaverbitch

 **beaverbitch** : what

 **tapltired** : go to fac

 **beaverbitch** : .

 **beaverbitch** : fac

 **tapltired** : furry awareness club

 **beaverbitch** : ah

 **beaverbitch** : ok

 **dreamlmao** : it's room 304 btw

 **beaverbitch** : @everyone

 **beaverbitch** : come on, it's furry support day


	15. [dreamlmao: omw w the dead bird]

**11:04 AM**

**dreamlmao** : omw w the dead bird

 **NOTafurry** : i am not going to the fucking furry awareness club

 **dreamlmao** : yes you are

 **dreamlmao** : i set it up just for you :)

 **sippycup** : breaking out of the hospital to go to fac

 **sippycup** : hehehe..fac

 **dreamlmao** : you are a literal child

 **sippycup** : @KILLEDAWOMAN

 **sippycup** : he's the literal child

 **wolburscoot** : he's the only child here

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : TUBBO IS THE EXACT SAME AGE AS ME WHAT THE FUCK

 **wolburscoot** : yes and

 **technopig** : ^^

 **F1NNxROSE** : youre still the only child in the gc

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : GO FUCK YOURSELF F1NN5TER 

**F1NNxROSE** : gladly, i'm hot

 **beaverbitch** : have you got the money yet zelk

 **zelk!** : yeah i tied him down to the floorboards 

**tapltired** : no you didnt

 **zelk!** : i will if you keep that up

 **tapltired** : ok sorry

 **F1NNxROSE** : you got my 50 back right

 **zelk!** : yes finn

 **megapvp** : i'm going to the fac

 **megapvp** : i want to make fun of the furries 

**dreamlmao** : will you speak or will you just point and mimic laughing

 **megapvp** : fuck you

 **NOTafurry** : please dear god just dont come to room 304

 **Philza** : Techno

 **technopig** : yes father

 **Philza** : Go take Wilbur to the Furry Awareness Club

 **Philza** : It's been awhile since you two have made fun of Fundy together

 **NOTafurry** : PHIK WHYAT THR FUCK

 **technopig** : fine

 **wolburscoot** : FUCMYES

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : CAN I GO

 **Philza** : No

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHY NOT

 **Philza** : You are supposed to be in math right now

 **BEES!** : can i go?

 **Philza** : Yes of course Tubbo

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WH

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ???????

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHY DOES TUBBO GET TO GO

 **chilltiredbi** : he's trustworthy 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : SHUT THE FUCK UP ERET

 **chilltiredbi** : i'm just saying :)

 **chilltiredbi** : also i'm omw

 **chilltiredbi** : i'd like to see this happen

 **dreamlmao** : you're going to see fundy put on the fursuit i got him

 **dreamlmao:** it's fukcing heavy bro

 **sippycup** : aww r u too weak

 **dreamlmao** : snapmap

 **sippycup** : UFCK YOU

 **beaverbitch** : i'm here

 **beaverbitch** : _[image sent]_

 **beaverbitch** : he's fuming lmao

 **NOTafurry** : FUCKIGN BTUUCH

 **gogy** : i wish i wasnt sick so i could see this

 **dreamlmao** : i'll take videos dw 

**sippycup** : send me them too

 **dreamlmao** : i will

 **wolburscoot** : _[image sent]_

 **wolburscoot** : there's a crowd gathering fundy

 **wolburscoot** : just spotted skeppy

 **technopig** : my arch nemesis 

**dreamlmao** : i thought that was me??? :(

 **technopig** : all of you are my arch nemesis 

**technopig** : collectively 

**wolburscoot** : even me?

 **technopig** : especially you

 **technopig** : you're right next to me why the hell don't you just speak

 **wolburscoot** : ;)

**1:03 PM**

**dreamlmao** : that was a smashing success

 **F1NNxROSE** : i've never seen fundy so angry

 **Philza** : Neither have I

 **technopig** : it was hilarious

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : yes it was

 **skippy** : drema howd you evenm manneg to pin him to th3 gotunfd 

**dreamlmao** : pure skill and force

 **dreamlmao** : also i'm taller than him

 **NOTafurry** : fucking jhate all of you fucking pieces of shit guking duubitchs fucking.


	16. [dreamlmao: so you're the fac president now and it's your job to greet all of them :)]

**9:02 AM**

**dreamlmao** : heyyyy fundy

 **dreamlmao** : just wanted to let you know

 **dreamlmao** : the fac is up and running :)

 **dreamlmao** : and here's the member list

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **dreamlmao** : so you're the fac president now and it's your job to greet all of them :)

 **NOTafurry** : dream ui;m going to fucking cut your head of and fesd iti to a snkae

 **dreamlmao** : alright fundy <3

 **sippycup** : hey why the fuck am i signed up for the fac

 **sippycup** : dream hey dream dream hey i didnt give consent what are you doing

 **dreamlmao** : i'm basically your parental figure so they can't stop me lol

 **dreamlmao** : they can't stop be anyways

 **technopig** : that's true

 **technopig** : also the fighting with swords club is up

 **dreamlmao** : just call it the sword fighting club

 **sippycup** : or the cockfighting club

 **gogy** : why the fuck

 **wolburscoot** : oooh gogy too innocent 

**gogy** : i know what it's about go fuck yourself bitch

 **gogy** : but why 

**dreamlmao** : george shhh go back to bed

 **gogy** : fuck you

 **wolburscoot** : i signed up for the fac

 **wolburscoot** : i also made tommy sign up

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FUCK YOU

 **BEES!** : tommy i can come to if you dont want to be alone ?

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : MAYBE

 **BEES!** : ok i'll sign up :)

 **NOTafurry** : DOITN FUCKINGN SIFGN HYO???

 **businessman** : i think he's having a stroke 

**dreamlmao** : good

 **businessman** : well you can't just throw our president under the bus here dream

 **businessman** : we've gotta keep him alive and well

 **businessman** : fundy for furry president 

**NOTafurry** : uyFCKING FUCK YOURSUELF BITFHC DIE!

 **megapvp** : i will be returning

 **megapvp** : not to join but to mock

 **Philza** : I am minorly concerned 

**Philza** : But I'm not going to do anything about it 

**skippy** : bad im suifgnging you up fuir gte fac

 **badboyhello** : please do not 

**badboyhello** : well i wouldn't mind if there are friends :D

 **skippy** : there wjhil ebev

 **F1NNxROSE** : signed spifey up btw

 **zelk!** : i signed us all up lol

 **tapltired** : bitch i dont even go to the same school

 **zelk!** : you do now 

**beaverbitch** : sigh

**2:08 PM**

**gogy** : im tired

 **dreamlmao** : go to bed then

 **gogy** : but im cold

 **dreamlmao** : there are blankets

 **gogy** : :(

 **sippycup** : dream hes literally asking you to cuddle

 **gogy** : no im not

 **dreamlmao** : ;)


	17. [gogy: you're arguably worse]

**5:28 AM**

_conversation between **dreamlmao** and **gogy**_

**gogy** : listen

 **dreamlmao** : listening

 **gogy** : fuck you

 **gogy** : sapnap is lying

 **dreamlmao** : ok

 **gogy** : thats all you have to say

 **dreamlmao** : what do you 

**dreamlmao** : do you want me to be upset?

 **gogy** : i

 **gogy** : no idc

 **dreamlmao** : youre so stubborn

 **dreamlmao** : just say u wanna cuddle w me <3

 **gogy** : fuck you

 **gogy** : i'm going to cuddle w sapnap

 **dreamlmao** : :(

 **dreamlmao** : you cannot stand him

 **gogy** : you're arguably worse

 **dreamlmao** : that's not what you said last night ;)

 **gogy** : .

 **gogy** : keep that shit up and i'm going to block you

 **dreamlmao** : wait no 

**7:10 AM**

**skippy** : plsioiah

 **skippy** : pliza

 **Philza** : Yes Skeppy

 **skippy** : he,lsp

 **Philza** : What do you need help with

 **skippy** : l9fe

 **Philza** : Same

 **skippy** : plelasbe

 **Philza** : Be specific 

**skippy** : homewerk

 **Philza** : Skeppy you've been sick for the past 9 days

 **Philza** : I'm pretty sure Bad's been doing your homework

 **technopig** : simp

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : SIMP

 **wolburscoot** : simp

 **F1NNxROSE** : simp

 **zelk!** : simp

 **tapltired** : simp

 **megapvp** : simp

 **TOES** : SIMP SIMP SIMP SIMP SIMP SIMP SIMP

 **TOES** : @badboyhello

 **badboyhello** : i am not a simp >:(

 **TOES** : suuure ;))))))

 **zelk!** : you're 100% a simp for skeppy

 **badboyhello** : well what's wrong with being a simp?

 **technopig** : .

 **technopig** : SIMP

**9:03 AM**

**wolburscoot** : father

 **Philza** : What did you do

 **wolburscoot** : assistance is required 

**Philza** : Wilbur what did you do

 **wolburscoot** : got my head stuck in a swingset 

**technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **technopig** : tommy's also stuck lmao

 **Philza** : Techno do not just leave them there

 **technopig** : their kidnappers are gonna have to be real determined to get them out, they'll be fine 

**Philza** : TECHNO HELP THEM TOMMY LOOKS LIKE HE IS GOING TO PASS OUT

 **technopig** : LOL NERD

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : THESHXNCI YOU FUCCKING BITCH CIME BACK HERE RUTHG RNOW FUCKERING

 **wolburscoot** : tommy shush you're scaring the neighbour children

 **BEES!** : i

 **BEES!** : omw

 **Philza** : You're the only one I like Tubbo

 **BEES!** : <3

**10:03 AM**

**BEES!** : they are free :)

 **BEES!** : they are very angry at me but they are free

 **technopig** : it was hilarious i have so many videos

 **dreamlmao** : send them to me

 **technopig** : consider it done

 **Philza** : It's been an hour

 **Philza** : How'd you get them out?

 **BEES!** : buzz saw :D

**12:58 AM**

**BEES!** : tommy took away my saw :(

 **sippycup** : rip

 **NOTafurry** : i hope you trip and fall down the stairs

 **dreamlmao** : well that's just rude fundy

 **dreamlmao** : keep that up and i'll eat another mouse

 **gogy** : DO NOT

**1:28 PM**

**NOTafurry** : i am so fucking pissed

 **NOTafurry** : i just got pulled out of class and was told to go talk to the counsellor about how i want the fucking club to fgucking move on you son of a fucking bitch dream ih ate you so much

 **dreamlmao** : <3

 **dreamlmao** : dw i'll be your vice president 

**technopig** : furry!dream?

 **dreamlmao** : techno i can recommend you for the position

 **dreamlmao** : they cannot appease both of us here

 **technopig** : fair enough

 **TOES** : how the fuck did you two even get to be like 

**TOES** : their source of revenue

 **dreamlmao** : well i'm charming, handsome, a great athlete, highly intelligent, and also am pan so they finally got their lgbtq rep

 **technopig** : i'm just good at not failing classes

**4:03 PM**

**NOTafurry** : good news: eret is allowed to go home

 **NOTafurry** : bad news: he's joining the fac


	18. [Philza: Why are you breaking into the school Eret]

**1:02 AM**

**chilltiredbi** : philza

 **Philza** : Yes Eret

 **chilltiredbi** : it's the left northeast door that opens on its own right

 **Philza** : Eret

 **chilltiredbi** : it's a yes or no question phil

 **Philza** : Why are you breaking into the school Eret

 **chilltiredbi** : i gotta

 **dreamlmao** : it's the left northeast door, the right southwest door, both east doors, and if you pull hard enough on both north doors they'll open even if they're locked 

**dreamlmao** : i left a key under the cheap ass mat they have btw 

**dreamlmao** : well it's not a key i just stole phil's keycard

 **Philza** : You literally just could have asked 

**Philza** : Dream that cost me 40 dollars to replace 

**dreamlmao** : oh my bad

 **dreamlmao** : i'll leave 1000 under the mat too

 **Philza** : WHERE DID YOU GET 1000 DOLLARS?

 **dreamlmao** : the school pays me the more i stay and support the brand

 **technopig** : they do the same for me

 **tapltired** : would either of you get in trouble if you fought 

**technopig** : good question

 **dreamlmao** : ^^^

 **dreamlmao** : bring two swords to lunch tomorrow i'm interested 

**technopig** : got it

 **dreamlmao** : just a duel for funsies right?

 **technopig** : well if i'm not gettin paid then yeah it's a duel for funsies 

**dreamlmao** : ok love you <3

 **technopig** : ok

**11:34 AM**

**gogy** : WHYUS RHDREAN ABD TECHNO????????

 **wolburscoot** : keep up w the gc gogy god

 **wolburscoot** : they're dueling for fun :)

 **sippycup** : what r u worried about ur boyfriend

 **gogy** : i hope techno wins

 **gogy** : i'll pay him money

 **sippycup** : HIS HEAD JUST SNAPPED TOWARDS YOU

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : IS HE READING TEXTS WHILE FIGHTING???

 **technopig** : MONEY?????

 **technopig** : CAPS YES I AM EXCLAMATION MARK

 **dreamlmao** : ME TOO BITCH FUCK TTS I CAN TJAJHSGRHJWHGY

 **gogy** : DREAM YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH

 **NOTafurry** : i hate dream more but i also have a grudge against techno for one-upping me back in 2nd grade

 **technopig** : THEODORE ROOSEVELT FIRESIDE CHATS BITCH

 **NOTafurry** : FUCK YOU

 **sippycup** : dream wtf dont put the man in a headlock

 **wolburscoot** : this is hilarious where are you all at 

**BEES!** : i'm up in the top gym row w tommy :D

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : IM GONNA START THROWING SHIT AT THEM

 **Philza** : Do NOT

 **Philza** : Actually

 **Philza** : Idc anymore just don't get caught lmao

 **wolburscoot** : i'm throwing my tray at techno

 **gogy** : are none of the teachers concerned??

 **sippycup** : it's dream & techno bro they cant do anythjing about it 

**Philza** : ^^^^

 **badboyhello** : dream isn't even holding his sword right

 **badboyhello** : don't tuck your thumb like that 

**dreamlmao** : OK HATSNk

 **wolburscoot** : bad why do you know how to use swords

 **tapltired** : and knives

 **beaverbitch** : and then guns

 **zelk!** : mostly throwing knives

 **F1NNxROSE** : i cannot get over the guns tho

 **TOES** : he threw a knife once at me

 **badboyhello** : i did not!! >:(

 **badboyhello** : i would never o.O

 **TOES** : suuure ok

 **skippy** : HEHEHEEEHHAHAHAHAH 

**skippy** : GET FUKEIWCIN RWRJKFCNTECHNO!!!!!!!

 **sippycup** : what the fuck does that even mean

 **skippy** : YES

 **sippycup** : fair enough

**11:57 AM**

**Philza** : They are STILL at it???

 **woulburscoot** : what did you expect it's dream & techno

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : COME ON BIG MAN

 **wolburscoot** : do i route for my lover or for my brother 

**wolburscoot** : hm

 **wolburscoot** : SUCK IT GREEEEEN BOIIIIIIII

**1:09 PM**

**badboyhello** : is this a best of like

 **badboyhello** : 50??

 **BEES!** : probably

 **chilltiredbi** : it gets significantly worse the more they go on

 **chilltiredbi** : i've never heard someone wheeze while fighting to the death

 **NOTafurry** : it's the green bastard bitch what do you expect 

**Philza** : I literally never taught Techno how to use a sword

 **technopig** : BACK IN THE ORPHANAGE, I KNEW EVERYTHING FATHER

 **Philza** : STOP SHOUTING AND GET BACK TO FIGHTING

 **dreamlmao** : HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

 **gogy** : STOP LAUGHIJGN

 **sippycup** : GET UR HEAD IN THE GAME DREAM

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : TEN BUCKS BET TECHNO WINS

 **NOTafurry** : you're on

 **sippycup** : _[image sent]_

 **sippycup** : are they hugging or 

**sippycup** : nvm false sense of security 

**skippy** : this ish aiutliuar 

**badboyhello** : ^ this is hilarious 

**zelk!** : thank you for translating

 **beaverbitch** : none of us can understand him lmao

 **tapltired** : i just tune him out 

**F1NNxROSE** : same

 **badboyhello** : that's rude :(

 **badboyhello** : skeppy's great! <3

 **technopig** : SIMP

 **dreamlmao** : SIIIIIIMP

 **gogy** : STOP TEXTING AND STABBING AT THE SAME TIME

**3:02 PM**

**technopig** : i don't know which one of us won

 **dreamlmao** : neither do i

 **dreamlmao** : that was the best thing i've ever done in my whole life

 **technopig** : wanna do it again tomorrow?

 **dreamlmao** : YES


	19. [technopig: don't care wanna obstacle course]

**1:02 AM**

_conversation between **dreamlmao** and **technopig**_

**dreamlmao** : ok so i just had a dream

 **technopig** : i do not care

 **dreamlmao** : yes you do

 **dreamlmao** : anyways

 **dreamlmao** : what if we told the school to build an obstacle course just for the two of us 

**dreamlmao** : i'd get phil to time us and it would be so fukcing fun

 **technopig** : i

 **technopig** : do it right now 

**dreamlmao** : it's 1 in the morning techno

 **technopig** : don't care wanna obstacle course 

**3:08 AM**

**dreamlmao** : so phil

 **Philza** : Yes

 **dreamlmao** : what if we told the school to build an obstacle course for me & techno

 **Philza** : That costs money

 **dreamlmao** : idc i'll pay if they want

 **technopig** : i'll help

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHY JUST YOU TWO???

 **technopig** : no children allowed

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

 **wolburscoot** : you can't just get an obstacle course in a day techno

 **dreamlmao** : i'm literally the top of nearly all of my classes scoot boy

 **dreamlmao** : that includes woodshop 

**technopig** : @chilltiredbi

 **chilltiredbi** : yeah i'll go break in again give me like 4 minutes 

**sippycup** : why did you break in in the first place?

 **chilltiredbi** : you'll find out when you see the fac room

 **NOTafurry** : oh for fucking fucks sake what did you do

 **technopig** : i'm intrigued 

**chilltiredbi** : :)

**5:09 AM**

**chilltiredbi** : _[image sent]_

 **chilltiredbi** : wasn't entirely sure how much wood you needed so i just made like 20 trips 

**dreamlmao** : you're a good man eret

 **chilltiredbi** : i know

**6:27 AM**

**dreamlmao** : techno i've built like 12% of this can you come help me 

**technopig** : on my way

 **BEES!** : can i come to?

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : AND ME AS WELL?

 **wolburscoot** : fuck it road trip lets go

 **sippycup** : GEORGE WAKE THE FUCK UP LETS GO WATCH UR BOYFRIEND COMPETE 

**gogy** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**8:51 AM**

**wolburscoot:** _[image sent]_

 **wolburscoot** : for everyone who isn't here

 **tapltired** : HOLW SHIT

 **NOTafurry** : how the HELL???

 **technopig** : determination and rage fuel me

 **dreamlmao** : i run on pure spite and adrenaline 

**chilltiredbi** : phil can you talk to peterson so he knows what's happening

 **Philza** : Peterson knows he can't do anything to stop this

 **Philza** : He regrets accepting you both

 **technopig** : lol nerd

 **technopig** : we're about 50% done i'd say

 **gogy** : i hate it here

**10:28 AM**

**F1NNxROSE** : you guys managed to do all of that in like 5 fucking hours???

 **dreamlmao** : :)

 **badboyhello** : i'm very very impressed!! :D

 **badboyhello** : when are you two gonna race? o.o

 **technopig** : when the morning classes end

 **skippy** : tthats in 39 mintyes exactly 

**wolburscoot** : @everyone

 **wolburscoot** : come on down to the rodeo lads

 **sippycup** : stfu british bitch

 **wolburscoot** : fuck you

 **sippycup** : later

 **businessman** : hey hey hey hands the fuck off my man okay?

 **businessman** : he's MINE. exclusively mine.

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt

 **wolburscoot** : i

 **chilltiredbi** : @everyone TIME TO GO!!!!!!

* * *

Dream breathes out, grinning as he stares at their faulty obstacle course. Admittedly, using wood glue mixed with duct tape probably wasn't best bet, but hey, who cares? It's their course, they can do what they want. 

**me** : ok boys i'm about to get this bacon

He hears a ding a second later.

 **technopig** : suck it green boy

Dream snorts. He gives Techno a shove, throws his phone down to his backpack, slides off his hoodie, and wraps it around his waist. "You're going _down_ , bacon." Techno grins back at him, popping the collar of his shirt. 

"Big words for a green man," Techno smirks, squaring his shoulders as he leans down. Dream does the same, one hand touching the ground, ready to run. He at least as an up on Techno for this. He's never seen the man do any kind of sports, other than sword fighting and hockey. Dream, however, is the star football and soccer player. Techno's going _down_. "You ready?"

"Always have been."

"Ready?" Sapnap shouts, grinning like a fucking madman. "Ready..set..go!" 

Dream takes off, leaping through the first hoop they designed. He swings under it, grabbing the top of it as he swings himself forwards. He hears Techno shout something at him, so he flips him off in return. "Come on, Dream! Come on!" George screams at him, which makes him laugh a little too hard. Techno passes him, clambering up the next section of the course. " _Dream!_ " George shrieks. 

"Come on, big man!" Tommy shouts, "you've got this in the bag Big-T!" Dream wheezes, flying past Techno, leaping up to the top of the course. He scrambles past the sharp edges of the wood, wincing as a splinter gets stuck in one of his gloves. "Techno! Come on, you little bastard! Let's go!" 

"Techno!" Wilbur shouts. "Techno for the win!"

"Pogchamp!"

"Dream!" 

"Come on, fucker! Let's go, tea kettle! Don't fuck it up!"

"Language!"

Dream passes Techno again, doing a little backflip as he lands, springing up to his feet, turning to grin at the crowd he's attracted. Well, the crowd that _they've_ attracted. He zooms past the next part, leaping and ducking through hoops. "Come on, bacon strip! You said you'd-" he hits the ground with a wheeze, watching as Techno runs past him. The bastard fucking _tackled_ him. Dream gapes at him for a second, but he manages to get his bearings, racing after him once again. He grabs Techno by the collar of his shirt, nearly ripping half of the thing in the process. "Cheaters get fucked, Techno!"

"Sounds festive," Techno laughs, shoving him forwards. "You're still goin' down, green boy," Dream giggles, effortlessly leaping over one of the hurdles they set up. He leaps another three, doing two in a row. He kicks back, knocking one over right as Techno jumps it. "Fuck!"

"Get wrecked!" Dream wheezes, grinning as he sees the finish line just a few yards ahead of him.

"Techno!"

"Dream!"

"Yes! Fuck yes! Yeah! Let's go!"

"Dream, yes!"

"Techno! No! Techno! You-"

"Not pog! Can I get some NotPogs in chat?"

"In _what_?"

* * *

**11:03 AM**

**dreamlmao** : gg

 **technopig** : gg

 **technopig** : let's get it set up professionally next time

 **dreamlmao** : agreed i'm still pulling splinters out of my hands

 **sippycup** : are we not going to talk about how excited gogy was when his boyfriend won

 **gogy** : he is NOT my boyfriend

 **dreamlmao** : yet ;)

**11:19 AM**

_conversation between **dreamlmao** and_ _**gogy**_

 **dreamlmao** : were you rooting for me?

 **gogy** : obviously 

**gogy** : why would i want techno to win

 **dreamlmao** : to spite me

 **gogy** : no

 **dreamlmao** : fair

 **dreamlmao** : you should come over here and kiss me

 **gogy** : WHAT

 **dreamlmao** : you heard me

**11:23 AM**

**sippycup** : _[image sent]_

 **sippycup** : we got em


	20. [sippycup: I LITERALLY GAVE YOU THIRTY SECONDS TO SMOOCH IN PEACE]

**11:30 AM**

**dreamlmao** : SAPNAP THAT IS AN INVASION OF PRIVACY

 **sippycup** : I LITERALLY GAVE YOU THIRTY SECONDS TO SMOOCH IN PEACE

 **dreamlmao** : THIRTY SECONDS ISNT ENOUGH

 **sippycup** : ?????? DO YOU KISS FOR TEN FUCKING HOURS DONT YOU NEED TO BREATHE

 **gogy** : SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTUP

 **wolburscoot** : you are a trio of chaos 

**Philza** : Wilbur the 

**Philza** : Nevermind

 **wolburscoot** : what father

 **wolburscoot** : inform me

 **Philza** : When I adopted you, the orphanage said I might have some problems with bringing you home since they had issues with Techno getting into fights

 **Philza** : I think they tried to bribe me out of adopting Tommy

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WELL THATS JUST RUDE

 **wolburscoot** : shouldve accepted the bribe

 **wolburscoot** : little gremlin stole my wallet 

**technopig** : i do great with other people

 **technopig** : mostly

 **Philza** : Techno they told me you got in eight fights in one day

 **technopig** : not my record

 **dreamlmao** : techno? the one with such bad social anxiety that he can't talk in class?

 **technopig** : shut the fuck up just because i don't talk doesn't mean anything

 **technopig** : and i already got into a fight this year

 **dreamlmao** : that was you pushing over a french kid

**12:38**

**dreamlmao** : so george specifically told me not to say anything

 **gogy** : dream.

 **dreamlmao** : #dreamnotfound

 **gogy** : gonna break up w you

 **dreamlmao** : AYYYY HE SAID IT

 **gogy** : WHAT

 **sippycup** : dream just said the hashtag bitch

 **sippycup** : get played

 **technopig** : nerd

 **skippy** : haha nimagine daying losers 

**zelk!** : zak the only reason you haven't dated anyone is because you're too shy to ask bad out

 **skippy** : ID OTN LIKEBBAD

 **tapltired** : liar

 **tapltired** : that's the biggest lie in the entire world

 **tapltired** : you, sir, are a liar 

**skippy** : NO IMNOT

 **TOES** : what do you have to say about this, @badboyhello?

 **badboyhello** : um

 **badboyhello** : gtg :D

 **TOES** : AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **F1NNxROSE** : NICE 

**beaverbitch** : GO GET YOUR MANS SKEPPY

 **zelk!** : GO GET HIM!!!!!!!

 **skippy** has left **HELP**

 **dreamlmao** has added **skippy** to **HELP**

 **dreamlmao** has changed **HELP** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **dreamlmao** : no escape from gamer rage 

**skippy** : i litrally hate yoy all ao muxh

**1:07 PM**

_conversation between **badboyhello** and **skippy**_

**skippy** : so um bad

 **badboyhello** : ? what's up skeppy? :)

 **skippy** : do u like

 **skippy** : idk its dubm nvm

 **badboyhello** : what no it isn't dumb!! you can tell me anything 

**skippy** : ok ok ok ok

 **skippy** : do u like have a problemd agasusnft guys liking gusy 

**badboyhello** : no! love is love skeppy <3

 **skippy** : cool ok 

**skippy** : do you like guys?

 **skippy** : i menah you dint have tyo tell me o rghwtaer i just woanderd 

**skippy** : cause i mena i guess u ido too ahd i 

**badboyhello** : i like boys too skeppy

 **skippy** : oh thatash really oolc bad

 **skippy** : um so do i eayh

 **badboyhello** : i'm glad!! why'd you ask? :D

 **skippy** : umno real teason

 **skippy** : kust 

**skippy** : wondering

 **badboyhello** : ok! ily skeppy <33

 **skippy** : u, yeah u two

**4:45 PM**

**tapltired** : zelk can you go home

 **zelk!** : no

 **zelk!** : i'm still convinced you've got more money laying around somewhere

 **tapltired** : I DONT

 **beaverbitch** : i'll come over he'll answer to me

 **tapltired** : i Will Not

 **beaverbitch** : omw

 **tapltired** : wait no

 **F1NNxROSE** : dude are you seriously going to leave me alone w vurb

 **TOES** : i dont even live w you guys anymore

 **TOES** : but you bet your ass i'll come visit

 **F1NNxROSE** : THATS THE THING VURB

 **F1NNxROSE** : I DONT WANT TO BET MY ASS OR MY TOES

 **TOES** : ;)))


	21. [skippy: listen herre you son ofic u abitch]

**2:03 AM**

_conversation between **beaverbitch** and **skippy**_

**skippy** : okokok so

 **beaverbitch** : you're in love with bad

 **skippy** : listen herre you son ofic u abitch

 **skippy** : i know that toyuire in love w somene too

 **beaverbitch** : who

 **skippy** : not gonnayell you that

 **skippy** : naywyas 

**skippy** : pleas ehelpe me 

**beaverbitch** : sigh

 **beaverbitch** : zak you're hopeless

 **skippy** : PLEASe

 **beaverbitch** : literally just ask him out 

**beaverbitch** : he's in love w you too

 **beaverbitch** : how do you not notice this

 **beaverbitch** : he always buys you things, he always stays up to talk to you, he is ALWAYS THERE. LITERALLY SKEPPY HE LURKS ALL THE TIME!!!! HE IS ALWAYS THERE

 **beaverbitch** : he LIVES!!!! with you dude jfc he wouldn't even meet up w me in person unless you came with and he KNOWS me

 **skippy** : well thats just bc h edoesnt like stranfgers

 **beaverbitch** : zak. reread what i just sent you. he knew me. he knows me very well. we are friends. but he wanted to hold your hand 

**skippy** : DUDE

 **skippy** : im

 **skippy** : maybe i do

 **beaverbitch** : there you go

 **beaverbitch** : he feels the same

 **skippy** : literally no he foesnt

 **beaverbitch** : listen okay 

**beaverbitch** : if he doesn't, you can have my twitter

 **skippy** : do i typeie it all ougt beforew

 **skippy** : so titi disn like this 

**beaverbitch** : i think he'd be concerned if you didn't type like you were having a stroke

 **skippy** : ok fucj u

**5:29 AM**

_conversation between **badboyhello** and **skippy**_

**skippy** : bad?

 **badboyhello** : yeah skeppy? what's up? :D

 **skippy** : so i unm i 

**skippy** : o k give me a sec

**6:58 AM**

_conversation between **badboyhello** and_ _**skippy**_

 **badboyhello** : skeppy?

 **badboyhello** : are you okay?

 **badboyhello** : ??? skeppy???

 **badboyhello** : did you just fall back asleep?

 **badboyhello** : skeppy? 

**10:23 AM**

**badboyhello** : has anyone heard from skeppy?

 **badboyhello** : he said he wanted to talk five hours ago and he hasn't said anything back to me :(

 **beaverbitch** : hm

 **beaverbitch** : give me a second

**10:30 AM**

_conversation_ _between_ **_beaverbitch_ ** _and_ **_skippy_ **

**beaverbitch** : hey dumbass

 **beaverbitch** : zak you are making this man worried

 **skippy** : IM WORIED

 **beaverbitch** : HE DMED EVERYONE TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE OK

 **skippy** : IM SCARED OK GEO IM NERVOUS

 **beaverbitch** : listen

 **beaverbitch:** he is hopelessly head over heels in love w you

 **beaverbitch** : please just ask him out

**12:09 AM**

_conversation between **badboyhello** and_ _**skippy**_

 **skippy** : ok im sorry for leaving um

 **skippy** : listen 

**skippy** : i like you

 **badboyhello** : i like you too skeppy <3

 **skippy** : UGHHHH NOT LOIKE THAT

 **skippy** : well yeah like that too but not like 

**skippy** : i

 **skippy** : idk man iu km hj

 **skippy** : ily 

**skippy** : lie m=re than frinds

 **skippy** : sorry

 **skippy** : im gonna ho now im 

**badboyhello** : wait 

**badboyhello** : like..boyfriends?

 **skippy** : hyeyayh tlike that

 **badboyhello** : OHHHH

 **badboyhello** : um well

 **skippy** : i know ik nwo ti was sutpiud of me to ask im sorry im duvm

 **badboyhello** : skeppy i like you like boyfriends

 **badboyhello** : i didn't think you did i just 

**badboyhello** : um i'm sorry i don't..

 **skippy** : nonononono serioueslly

 **skippy** : ok thats

 **skippy** : ok 

**skippy** : okokok we dhpuld like go out

 **badboyhello** : really?

 **skippy** : unless u dont wantto or smth ido n t mind 

**badboyhello** : no no i want to!! 

**skippy** : ok good

 **skippy** : later tonight??

 **badboyhello** : sure skeppy <3

 **skippy** : yeah

 **skippy** : <3


	22. [dreamlmao: anyone wanna go camping?]

**3:27 AM**

**dreamlmao** : so i have an idea

 **dreamlmao** : anyone wanna go camping?

**4:12 AM**

**Philza** : Yeah I'll drag the murderer the bard and the child out 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : father this is child abuse

 **Philza** : Tommy

 **BEES!** : :DDD i would like to come!

 **Philza** : Of course you can Tubbo

 **sippycup** : yeah fuck it i'll do it

 **F1NNxROSE** : why not @beaverbitch

 **beaverbitch** : yeah ok

 **tapltired** : i'll come w 

**zelk!** : same

 **skippy** : bad and ill go too

 **chilltiredbi** : i'd be down

**5:06 AM**

**dreamlmao** : that's lovely alright time to go

 **NOTafurry** : right now??

 **dreamlmao** : that's what i said yeah

 **niki♥** : where are we going

 **dreamlmao** : forest

 **TOES** : which one

 **dreamlmao** : north

 **gogy** : i don't like the north one

 **dreamlmao** : too bad let's get in the car

 **gogy** : i hate you

 **dreamlmao** : ily2 babe

 **niki♥** : can someone pick me up? i don't feel like driving

 **wolburscoot** : yeah we've got room

 **niki♥** : thank you!! <3

 **wolburscoot** : yes <3

 **technopig** : simp

**6:03 AM**

**BEES!** : how far is the campsite?

 **dreamlmao** : another hour or so

 **sippycup** : he just HAD to choose the far one

 **dreamlmao** : stfu stop texting and driving

 **gogy** : i hope he hits a tree so i don't have to be here

 **dreamlmao** : that's just rude

 **businessman** : this is the worst thing i've ever decided to do

 **technopig** : please stop breathing on me

 **businessman** : i literally am holding my breath

 **technopig** : please hold it more

**7:46 AM**

**dreamlmao** : ok i'm here

 **dreamlmao** : i've got george & sapnap here w me

 **dreamlmao** : i hear screaming so i'm assuming the child is on his way

 **dreamlmao** : techno oh my god

 **technopig** : what

 **dreamlmao** : wanna go climb mountains w me and race?

 **technopig** : yes

**8:23 AM**

**technopig** : here

 **businessman** : here

 **tapltired** : we're also here

 **skippy** : harvey slelt on spifudiert the tnefite time 

**tapltired** : yeah i slelt on "spifudiert" 

**beaverbitch** : changing my username to spifudiert

 **niki♥** : please don't

 **beaverbitch** : i might

 **TOES** : i'll send you toe pics if you do

 **beaverbitch** : vurb please cease all contact with me

 **TOES** : no ♥

 **zelk!** : never do that again

 **badboyhello** : we're here!! :D

 **F1NNxROSE** : it was awful

 **skippy** : cranky cuausue uhr cingle 

**F1NNxROSE** : cranky because it's 8 am

**10:32 AM**

**dreamlmao** : ok boys

 **dreamlmao** : cell service will be gone in like 30 minutes so just be prepared 

**technopig** : no one will hear the screams

* * *

Sapnap sighs, laying back against the ground. He loves Dream - the man's his best friend! Of course he loves him! But, Sapnap thinks, he also wants to fucking murder him and hide his body out in the woods. There's no good reason Dream couldn't have waited to go camping at a time that wasn't _early_ , but whatever. He stares up at the trees above him, the dirt cool on his back. He made a bet with George that he could fall asleep without a tent, and he intends to win that bet. It's not like the ground is uncomfortable or anything. It's just a little wet. Sapnap, he can deal with that. He's a man, he's not gonna be bested by some wet-ass dirt. He smiles to himself. Heh. WAD.

"Alright!" Dream shouts out, his voice disturbing Sapnap's peace. Dream disturbs his peace in general. Whatever. "Anyone wanna start hiking? There are some really nice trails, and I've got all the maps memorized."

"No, you don't," Tommy scoffs, leaning on Tubbo's shoulder. He had barely managed to stumble out of Phil's car, nearly collapsing as soon as his feet touched the ground. "You know nothing, big man." Dream glares at him, flipping him off. Sapnap hears Bad mutter a "language", which doesn't even make sense, but again - whatever.

"Said the child," Dream mocks. "Anyways. Time to get going. Sleep is only for pussy-ass bitches without a social life."

"I've got a social life," Techno rumbles, shoving himself off of the ground. "Come on. Race me, green man."

"You're on, bacon boy."

* * *

Finn has never hated his choice in friends more than he does right now. Skeppy and Bad are off..somewhere, thank fucking god. Yeah, yeah, he's happy for them, he really is. It's finally happened, their dumbasses finally figured it out. But dear _god_ are they gross and sappy. They're _so_ in love, it's just..ugh. Finn sighs, hanging his head as he listens to Tapl desperately try to fight off Vurb, screaming at the top of his lungs for someone, _anyone_ , to help him. He sighs again, glancing up at the sky. He loves his friends, and he loves their friends, who he's _sort_ of friends with, but not really. 

He knows Dream and Techno, sort of. He knows about Tommy and Tubbo and Wilbur, but he's definitely tried his best to go the opposite way of Tommy. Tubbo is an absolute sweetheart, so Finn isn't all that wary of him. He's got mixed feelings on Schlatt - so long as he isn't trying to propagate to him, the man's fine. A little too charismatic and loud, but otherwise, he's fine. Techno is a goddamn nightmare who should never be trusted around small children, let alone with Finn's knives. He definitely made a mistake bringing those with him, he acknowledges that now. He doesn't mind Phil; he does like Phil, actually. Phil's smart, tired, and honestly, Finn's impressed that he can even manage to keep up with his kids. 

"Please!" Harvey screams, stumbling back, crawling backwards through the dirt. Vurb looms over him, his mouth twisted into a crooked grin. 

" _Toes._ " Vurb says the word once, and only once, before he pounces. 

Tapl never had a chance.

* * *

Tommy knows he agreed to this. He knows that, and yet he still can't help but ask _why the fuck did he ever agree to this?_ It's not like it's the worst thing that could've happened to him, but it's definitely one of the top three. He ended up getting cornered by Fundy and Eret, who forced him to go find a trail with them. Which was fine, it was fine at first. Everything was fine, nothing bad happened. 

Then, Fundy jokingly ran off into the forest, and now they can't find the bastard. "The inner furry slipped out," Eret sighs, keeping his voice lower than he probably has to. "Also, I think we're lost." Tommy sends him a scathing glare. If looks could kill, Tommy would be beating the shit out of this man right now. God, he wishes he had his vlog gun. Or his vlog knife. Or the knife gun. Any of those would be useful. If not for Eret, for himself. 

"You fucking _think_?" Tommy seethes, glaring at the ground. He wishes he took Tubbo with him. Tubbo's always been good at directions and shit like that. Too late for it now, he supposes. "We should just start shouting."

Eret shrugs, a faint smile crossing his face. "I think we should just start to build a house and adapt to the wild."

"I think you should shut the fuck up, big man. You're lucky I don't have my vlog gun." Eret bursts out laughing, and Tommy has never wanted to strangle someone more.

* * *

Mega is angry. Angry is an understatement. He's enraged, pissed, livid. Agreeing to this was the absolute worst thing he could have ever done, yet he did it anyways. Why? Why does he hate himself so much? Skeppy hasn't left him alone once, he's been bothering him the entire time, talking about Bad, talking about the things Bad has done. Mega wishes he brought a whiteboard and expo marker so he could tell Skeppy to shut the fuck up for once in his entire life. He absolutely doesn't care about his sudden gaining of a boyfriend, who he had pined after for what, three years? Six? Ten? Mega doesn't know, nor does he care. He's heavily considering letting Skeppy hear him talk for the first time if it means he'll shut the hell up. 

"And so, like I was saying, right, okay. Okay, listen. He's just this, I don't _know_ , man! He's so cute and he does this little thing where when he's.."

Mega tunes out the bullshittery he's hearing next to him, closing his eyes and hoping that if there is a god, he'll forgive Mega for what he's about to do. 


	23. [technopig: you must train for another 200 years to defeat ME]

**3:04 PM**

**dreamlmao** : so techno and i found an abandoned lodge

 **technopig** : it's a rest centre

 **dreamlmao** : abandoned lodge

 **technopig** : i'm gonna push you down this mountain 

**dreamlmao** : anyways

 **dreamlmao** : i think we're just gonna stay up here and let the peasants sleep down there

 **sippycup** : im omw to dethrone you

 **technopig** : me? the blade? 

**technopig** : you must train for another 200 years to defeat ME

 **sippycup** : literally i'll just trip you and shove you down the hill

 **sippycup** : it isn't even a mountain why are you both so goddamn dramatic 

**technopig** : i will await

 **F1NNxROSE** : for reference since my phone's at like 3%

 **F1NNxROSE** : vurb has been chasing harvey around and terrorizing him for the past hour it's just getting worse

 **megapvp** : oh you think that's fucking bad

 **megapvp** : go fucking die in a hole i've had to listen to some bitch talk for three hours

 **skippy** : HYE IKM NOT JUST SOME BITCH

 **skippy** : im THR BITFCH

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : father

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : may i leave

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : eret is going "pspspspspsps" in search of fundy

 **wolburscoot** : HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **wolburscoot** : PSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSP COME HERE FUUUNDY

 **wolburscoot** : WHOS A GOOD FURRY

 **chilltiredbi** : i think i hear rustling :D

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : eret i'm going to beat the shit out of you

 **BEES!** : i dont know whr i am

 **chilltiredbi** : here i'll be louder

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : STOP FCUKING SCREAMIGJn PSPSPSPPSPSSPS

* * *

Techno stares down the mountain, arms crossed as he watches from the rest centre. It's probably been abandoned for a couple months now. He sighs, leaning against the outside of the centre, turning his head when Dream saunters on over to him. "You think they're gonna try to come up here?" Techno asks, smiling as he hears Tapl scream. Finn wasn't joking about that, huh. Dream grins at him, moving to stand next to him. 

"Sapnap's already halfway up the mountain," he gives him a shrug, smiling as he looks down at the forest. "Wilbur's going to get himself lost. Eret and Tommy are going to kill each other, and I'm surprised that Mega hasn't murdered someone yet," Dream pauses, tapping his foot against the ground. "Vurb likes teasing his prey before he kills them, so Harvey might be alive for another couple of hours. His toes?" Dream shrugs. "Already gone." Techno snorts, turning away to hide the smile on his face.

"What's his obsession with toes, again? Don't think anyone ever explained that to me." 

"It's an old, urban legend," Dream starts, sighing. "It all started when the first Toe God walked the earth.."

* * *

**4:38 PM**

**TOES** : caught him

 **TOES** : _[image sent]_

 **TOES** : _[image sent]_

 **F1NNxROSE** : just make sure he doesn't scream as much

 **beaverbitch** : rip harvey

 **zelk!** : go rescue him spifey

 **beaverbitch** : why

 **zelk!** : you gotta

 **beaverbitch** : i dont 

**zelk!** : he's screaming your name

 **F1NNxROSE** : it's true i can hear him

 **TOES** : can also confirm

 **skippy** : ;)

 **beaverbitch** : brb

* * *

Spifey sets his phone down next to Finn, trusting him the most at the current moment. He can hear Skeppy talking from..somewhere nearby. He jogs there, crashing through a part of the forest he didn't know was there. To be fair, he doesn't know a lot of this forest. Spifey glares at Zak from behind, quickly wrapping his arms around his neck, squeezing for just a second. He turns to look at Mega, who looks more murderous than he's ever seen him before. "Zak," Spifey murmurs, putting his head on his friend's. "Listen to me, Zak."

"Listening," Skeppy wheezes, struggling a bit to get out of the headlock. "Let me go?"

"No," Spifey flicks him on the side of the face, scowling down at him. "I didn't out your secret in public."

"Yes you did!"

Spifey flicks him again. "I didn't." He presses. 

"But you-" He flicks him a little harder this time. "Spifey, this is bullying and silencing of the people, and I don't think it should be tolerated. Actually, I'm not going to tolerate it, and as soon as you let me go, I'm going to stand up and beat you up and put _you_ in a headlock, and then you-" Spifey sighs, squeezing for a second again. Zak chokes on his words, going quiet as he glares up at him. 

"Say anything about it again, I'm telling Bad about the love letters." Spifey smiles as Mega's eyes light up, a grin twisting its way onto his face. 

* * *

**7:00 PM**

**gogy** : sapnap has been gone for 4 hours now

 **dreamlmao** : he's not up here

 **technopig** : i would've noticed if he was

 **dreamlmao** : so would i 

**wolburscoot** : i've got no clue where he's gone

 **Philza** : He'll be fine dw

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : i hope a bear shows up 

**BEES!** : why?

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : i'd like to see sapnap fight one

 **gogy** : i second that actually

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : please don't talk to me in public gogy

* * *

Phil sighs, quietly tossing another handful of dry grass onto the fire he's about to make. He glances over at Wilbur, who's singing "I'm in Love with an E-Girl". Phil honestly doesn't know where Tommy is, and he isn't all that surprised - the little gremlin always manages to run off somewhere. Techno, at least, is up with Dream in some rest centre, so Phil's assuming he's fine. Techno's fine all the time; he's never _not_ fine. Phil really hasn't ever had to be worried about Techno. At least one of his sons can take care of himself. 

"I'm in love with an!" Wilbur screams, "with an e-girl!" He shouts at the top of his lungs, slamming his hand down on the log. The hand that isn't playing his guitar haphazardly over the small fire Phil's already started. "I'm in l-"

"Shut up!" 

"Boo!" 

"Get off the stage!"

Wilbur grins, thrumming both hands down his guitar. " _I'm in love with-_ "

Phil sighs. He grabs his lighter from his back pocket, setting the grass and sticks ablaze. He really, really deserves a raise.


	24. [sippycup: i'm omw back w pool noodles and floaties]

**1:02 AM**

**gogy** : sapnap & fundy are still gone

 **wolburscoot** : and tommy and eret

 **wolburscoot** : one of them is dead for sure

 **sippycup** : fuck you

 **gogy** : where even are you

 **sippycup** : guess

 **gogy** : i'm not playing this game with you

 **sippycup** : boring

 **sippycup** : i'm omw back w pool noodles and floaties

 **wolburscoot** : ????

 **dreamlmao** : where did you

 **dreamlmao** : did you go to fucking walmart 

**sippycup** : ;)

 **TOES** : did they even let you in

 **beaverbitch** : ^^^

 **sippycup** : dude they're open 24/7

 **beaverbitch** : also vurb

 **beaverbitch** : why has harvey stopped screaming

 **TOES** : dw about it

 **tapltired** : hLEEP

 **TOES** : shhhhhh

 **beaverbitch** : sigh

 **zelk!** : go rescue him

 **badboyhello** : yeah!! :D

 **skippy** : ddo it ;)

 **beaverbitch** : skeppy

 **skippy** : IM SORR&YYRH

 **megapvp** : :)

 **zelk!** : don't like that 

**TOES** : neither did i

 **megapvp** : soon.

**4:03 AM**

**gogy** : wh

 **gogy** : ?????

 **gogy** : help

 **gogy** : guys

 **gogy** : boys

 **gogy** : yh

 **gogy** : hey 

**gogy** : bad news

 **gogy** : BAD NEWS

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : what do you want

 **gogy** : BEAR

 **wolburscoot** : lmao no there isn't

 **wolburscoot** : i take that back

 **wolburscoot** : _[image sent]_

 **Philza** : It's fine just don't mess w him

 **Philza** : That means all of you

 **zelk!** : just told finn about it and he laughed 

**zelk!** : please help my bunkmate is stupid

 **beaverbitch** : i'm also here

 **TOES** : same

 **beaverbitch** : no you arent

 **tapltired** : we both are

 **zelk!** : where

 **tapltired** : here

 **zelk!** : ....

 **dreamlmao** : haha suck it losers

 **technopig** : imagine sleeping on the GROUND

 **technopig** : couldn't be me

 **BEES!** : has anyone seen tommy or eret or fundy?

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : eret & i are out in the woods big man

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : fundy is most likely dead 

**wolburscoot** : no just go PSPSPSPSPPSPS

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : SHUT UP

 **gogy** : THE BEAR????????

 **gogy** : WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THE EBAR

 **sippycup** : dream isnt with you

 **gogy** : ?????? WTF DOES THAT MEAN

 **zelk!** : I HAVE NEVER HEARD SKEPPY OR FINN LAUGH SO HARD

 **skippy** : AHHBHAGSHJHDGHDGF RGTE BEARHHHHHAAAAAAA

 **badboyhello** : what?

 **skippy** : DW DW D WABOUTIT ILLTWLLL UN LATER

 **zelk!** : sapnap you clever bastard

 **sippycup** : ;)

 **sippycup** : is this the part where we interlock lips

 **businessman** : hey not until marriage 

**wolburscoot** : ^^^

 **businessman** : that's the only reason i've been able to keep my hands off of wilbur

 **wolburcoot** : schlatt...that's so dreamy...so romantic....hot....

 **businessman** : i know babe

 **businessman** : wanna hold hands

 **wolburscoot** : of course come scoot over here

 **technopig** : this is disgusting

 **sippycup** : homophobic

 **technopig** : NO

 **technopig** : not because of that

 **technopig** : purely because my brother is flirting with the head of the POLITICAL CLUB

 **businessman** : ;)

 **technopig** : don't look at me like that

 **technopig** : wilbur why don't you just never date ever

 **wolburscoot** : no

* * *

This, Fundy thinks, was a terrible idea. 

It was supposed to be for the bit that he can't seem to escape, that was all. He sighs, drawing another tally mark in the dirt, listening for his friends. Or anyone, really. If a kidnapper came out of the woods, Fundy would probably just accept that as his fate, really. Not much he could do about it. Fundy sighs again, tapping his foot against the ground. Maybe not bringing his phone was a really bad idea. To be fair, he didn't expect Eret to not be able to find him. He didn't expect anything from Tommy - he never does. But he did expect something from Eret, which was clearly a mistake. Whatever, there isn't anything he can do right now. Plus, the sun is rising at the very least. He can probably find his way back using that. Or he could just start screaming, but he's not sure if that'd be a good move or not.

Fundy doesn't know what the fuck is out here. There could be entire packs of fifty foot bears, who knows? He's not going to be the one to find out, that's for sure. Fundy stares up at the overhanging trees, watching as the sun slowly starts to peek through the foliage. "Who's the good furry?" He snaps his head to the left, eyes widening. That's Wilbur's voice. "Ohhh, Fundy!" He makes a weird fucking noise with his mouth, and Fundy can't help but grin.

Maybe being called a furry isn't the worst thing anymore. 

* * *

**6:34 AM**

**wolburscoot** : _[image sent]_

 **wolburscoot** : found him :)

 **Philza** : How far out was he?

 **wolburscoot** : like 20 minutes away from here

 **wolburscoot** : i didn't see the child or eret tho so lmao

 **Philza** : Sigh

 **chilltiredbi** : it's ok we're building a house :)

 **chilltiredbi** : tommy is taking a nap atm

 **chilltiredbi** : i stole tubbo's buzz saw so dw if you hear any screaming

 **BEES!** : WHAT

* * *

Vurb scrolls through his phone, sparing glances up at Spifey and Tapl every couple of minutes. He wants to punch them both in the face. They're almost as bad as Skeppy and Bad. But not quite. Vurb doesn't think any of them could be nearly as oblivious as Skeppy or Bad. To be fair, though. Harvey is getting close to that level. Mega is passed out across Finn's lap - which is terrifying, since Finn is dicking around with his knives now. Vurb's fairly certain that Finn wouldn't kill Mega on _purpose_ , but he has no idea. Skeppy and Bad are curled up next to each other, and then Zelk is passed out on Vurb's shoulder. 

And then there's the _other two_. Spifey is quietly murmuring something to Harvey, who's already half asleep, head resting against Spifey's. Vurb loves his friends, really, he does. He loves his reputation as the "toe guy", loves that he can dick around all the time without any consequences. He likes being able to bully the fuck out of Tapl and Zelk, it's one of his favourite pastimes. However, he also hates them. So fucking much. _Especially_ Tapl and Spifey. 

Vurb stares up at the tent's roof, waiting for Spifey to admit his undying love. 

"So this is a spider crab.."

"A what..?"

"A spider crab."

Vurb closes his eyes.

This can wait until it isn't early.


	25. [gogy: ROOMBA BOY??????]

**4:25 AM**

**dreamlmao** : hey 

**dreamlmao** : anyone ever notice how techno is like a knife-wielding roomba 

**wolburscoot** : HGAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

 **chilltiredbi** : CHANGE HIS UN TO TECHNOROOMBA

 **technopig** : do NOT

 **wolburscoot** : IM LoSIIGNNNIT

 **dreamlmao** has changed **technopig** 's username to **technoroomba**

 **technoroomba** : i'm going to fucking kill you

 **sippycup** : LMFOIOAOOAOA

 **sippycup** : AHHAHAHAHAHAH GET WRECKED ROOMBA BOY

 **gogy** : ROOMBA BOY??????

 **gogy** : CHANGE IT TO THAT CHANGE IT TO THAT

 **dreamlmao** has changed **technoroomba** 's username to **ROOMBA-BOY**

 **ROOMBA-BOY** : none of you are going to survive this camping trip

 **wolburscoot** : OK ROOMBA BOY

**6:04 AM**

**ROOMBA-BOY** has changed their username to **technopig**

**7:34 AM**

**technopig** : i hate all of you 

**technopig** : @megapvp

 **technopig** : i'll kill my half if you deal with yours

 **megapvp** : deal

 **dreamlmao** : well now roomba boy that's just rude

 **technopig** : dream you are in so much danger right now

 **Philza** : I'm changing your name in my contacts to Roomba Boy

 **technopig** : DAD

 **Philza** : HAHAHAHAHAHAH

 **technopig** : ????? WHY

 **wolburscoot** : technoroomba ftw

 **wolburscoot** : i'm never going to get over technoroomba

 **technopig** : you will when you're dead

**8:18 AM**

**TOES** : finn would like to say that he thinks technoroomba is hilarious 

**TOES** : his phone is dead so i figured i'd relay the message

 **technopig** : that's another one on my list

 **sippycup** : you're going to have to kill wilbur and tommy AND your dad

 **sippycup** : are you really gonna do that roombaboy?

 **technopig** : i don't think you understand the lengths i'm willing to go

 **chilltiredbi** : tommy is laughing about it for fair warning

 **chilltiredbi** : we'll be on our way back soon enough

 **chilltiredbi** : or i could leave him here

 **wolburscoot** : please don't hell just start screaming and we'll never hear the end of it

 **wolburscoot** : at least fundy was just quiet

 **NOTafurry** : yw

 **NOTafurry** : there wasn't much i could do about my situation 

**chilltiredbi** : i didn't mean to lose you fundy

 **NOTafurry** : i'm disappointed in you eret

 **chilltiredbi** : :(

 **NOTafurry** : stfu don't even look at me

 **businessman** : i've got a roomba if we want to dress it up

 **businessman** : take it out for walks and all that

 **BEES!** : COULD WE!!!

 **businessman** : of course we can tubbo

 **dreamlmao** : ^^^^

 **chilltiredbi** : ^^^^

 **wolburscoot** : how did tubbo manage to collect three vastly different brothers

 **dreamlmao** : luck

 **businessman** : petty theft

 **chilltiredbi** : i think he hunted me down

 **BEES!** : :D

**10:43 AM**

**zelk!** : spifey what the fuck is a spider crab

 **beaverbitch** : well it's more or less a scorpion spider 

**zelk!** : a WHAT

 **TOES** : ????

 **tapltired** : it looks weird

 **beaverbitch** : it's called the tailless whip scorpion

 **beaverbitch** : it grabs

 **tapltired** : please look it up 

**TOES** : WHAT

 **zelk!** : UT GRAVS>????

 **zelk!** : WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT

 **TOES** : WHA

 **skippy** : ???

 **badboyhello** : oh it's cute!! :D

 **skippy** : NORTIRN NOT

 **skippy** : wwoudl yo7u like me more if i loked clike that

 **badboyhello** : i love you for who you are <3

 **TOES** : gross

 **zelk!** : imagine DATING

 **megapvp** : imagine dating SKEPPY

 **zelk!** : ^^

 **tapltired** : ^^^

 **beaverbitch** : ^^^^

 **TOES** : hey, zak is GREAT to bully

 **skippy** : :(

 **badboyhello** : don't make fun of him :(

 **TOES** : too late

**1:03 PM**

**gogy** : dream are you still up in the lodge

 **technopig** : abandoned rest centre

 **dreamlmao** : yes

 **dreamlmao** : yes to george no to roomba

 **technopig** : i'm giving you a thirty second headstart

 **dreamlmao** : i'll be gone in 5

 **technopig** : fine. ten second headstart starting now

 **technopig** : go

 **dreamlmao** : gone

 **sippycup** : oh my god he's doing irl manhunt again

 **chilltiredbi** : AGAIN???

 **wolburscoot** : yeah 

**wolburscoot** : there was that one time w the cops 

**sippycup** : that was hilarious 

**gogy** : it was not

 **gogy** : he was screaming so much

 **wolburscoot** : but it was in the wheezy laugh way

 **sippycup** : he was having a good time

 **badboyhello** : i still can't believe he got away o.o

 **technopig** : omw

* * *

And so the hunt begins.

Techno shoves his phone in his pocket, launching himself off of the couch he had slept on last night. He stares at the dust prints on the ground, following the still-lingering trail of dust particles. "Dream!" He calls out, tilting his head to listen for anything. He hears bushes rustling, quirks up a smile. "Found you!" He shouts, sprinting towards the forest. Techno whizzes past the trees and branches, ignoring screaming of the birds. Wait. The _birds_. Techno grins, pausing as he listens to them signal off warnings. He follows their cries, making sure to run as quietly as he can, keeping the majority of weight off of his leading foot every time he moves. Techno hums to himself as he spots the green hoodie disappear ahead of him. Not for very long, though.

"Ohh, Techno!" Dream coos, and Techno doesn't like that at all. He pauses, shifting to move closer to a tree, watching as his rival whirls around, grinning like a dumbass. "Guess what I found?"

* * *

And so the hunt ends. 

Dream grins like a madman, gripping the axe in his hands. He knows Techno's directly behind him - the birds went all quiet before they started to shout again. "Ohhh, Techno!" He wheezes, watching the man bolt. "C'mere, Techno!"

"Fuck off!"

"Come on!" He laughs, keeping pace with his friend. "C'mere! _C'mere_! You can't run forever!" 

"I can!" Techno shouts back at him, scrambling up to the top of the abandoned lodge's roof, staring down at him. "You stay right there, Dream. Don't get any closer to me, you understand? We're good. We're great. Right here is the best distance for us to be at." 

Dream grins, setting his foot on the railing. 

"Dream. Don't."

He starts to pull himself up.

"I said _no_ , Dream." 

He grapples himself to the roof, skidding halfway down it. Fucking..faulty shingles. "C'mere!" Dream laughs, leaping off of the roof as soon as Techno does, careful to not kill himself with the axe when he hits the ground. "You can't hide from me, Techno!" 

And so the chase continues.

* * *

**3:22 PM**

**Philza** : Bad news

 **Philza** : Dream found an axe

 **wolburscoot** : wh

 **wolburscoot** : in the woods?

 **Philza** : Yeah

 **Philza** : They're doing parkour atm

 **gogy** : what the FUck


	26. [Philza: The screaming has mostly stopped]

**3:30 PM**

**Philza** : The screaming has mostly stopped

 **gogy** : MOSTLY?????

 **sippycup** : george stfu ur bf will be fine

 **gogy** : DIE

 **wolburscoot** : i'm rooting for techno ngl but i think dream might win this irl manhunt 

**chilltiredbi** : can someone explain to me what the fuck happened LAST irl manhunt??

 **wolburscoot** : hehheheheeee

 **wolburscoot** : so dream wanted to do online school, right? his parents said no, and so he just stopped going to school entirely. and then he got the cops called on him. problem for the cops, dream is a LIFE SPEEDRUNNER and managed to loop around the entire city three times with them on his trail, disappear into three separate forests twice, and managed to climb a tree and jump back down and run off again

 **wolburscoot** : all the while he's laughing his ass off and wheezing like a dumb bitch, taunting the cops until they get more and more cops to come and try to arrest him. but like the more squads they bring in, the more competitive dream gets yeah? so he's fucking losing his mind laughing and escaping from the clutches of authority while somehow not getting tased even though they're absolutely trying to get him to the ground 

**wolburscoot** : he ended up nearly hopping a train and disappeared for an hour, waiting for them to end the stakeout. and when they didn't, he called the station and told them where he was (1 1/2 hours away from where they were) and said he'd give them a thirty minute head start before he started to run again. so he gives them thirty minutes (and for reference he's on call w us the entire time, telling us exactly what he's doing, narrating everything, sending videos and pictures)

 **wolburscoot** : we showed up for a bit to watch him outsmart 50 people and it was the best day of my life ngl

 **wolburscoot** : so anyways he gives them their thirty minutes before he texts george "brb gotta take a piss" and they end up finding him in the middle of his piss

 **wolburscoot** : so he just starts RUNNING

 **chilltiredbi** : WHAT

 **chilltiredbi** : ?????

 **wolburscoot** : YEAH LMAO

 **wolburscoot** : he's just booking it away, manages to pull up his fucking pants, and then he's gone again and dms george "piss unsuccessful" and then he fucking went home, broke in through the back window, and took a 4 hour nap before he decided he was going to come to my house 

**wolburscoot** : police eventually gave up because it wasn't worth their time and dream was very proud of himself the end

 **gogy** : i watched him do parkour from my house and it was literally terrifying

 **sippycup** : it was fucking hilarious is what it was

 **sippycup** : i've never seen dream do three backflips in a row, stick the landing, AND have his pants down

 **gogy** : HE HAD HIS PANTS WHEN HE DID THAT

 **sippycup** : not to me

 **gogy** : .

 **gogy** : i'm getting rid of you irl

 **megapvp** : murder?

 **beaverbitch** : oh THATS what mega responds to

 **megapvp** : fuck off suck my dick bitch

 **beaverbitch** : :(

 **tapltired** : well that's just rude

 **TOES** : it's mega wtf do u expect

 **TOES** : his only personality trait is anger

 **megapvp** : ^

**4:20 PM**

**dreamlmao** : giving techno a break to say hello

 **dreamlmao** : also i only had my pants down for like 2 fucking seconds i speedran zipping 

**dreamlmao** : not my fault i didn't want to get TASED

 **wolburscoot** : YOU COULD HAVE JUST NOT TOLD THEM WHERE YOU WERE

 **dreamlmao** : what's the point in that????

 **dreamlmao** : they lost me

 **wolburscoot** : that's what you wanted

 **dreamlmao** : well i had to give them a chance yknow

* * *

Techno sighs, leaning back in the tree. Admittedly, he didn't even want to have to scale up it, but whatever. He looks down at the ground, dragging his knees closer to his chest. 

"Ohh, Techno!" Dream shouts, voice echoing. Techno watches as he comes into view, dragging the axe behind him, like some goddamn serial killer. "I can _smell_ you, Techno! You can't hide forever!"

Techno doesn't plan on hiding for forever. 

He breathes out, closing his eyes for a split second. Okay. Now or never. Techno jumps as soon as Dream's a little farther ahead, landing directly on his feet. He kicks out, catching the axe with his foot, sending it spiraling into the air. He catches it a second later, adrenaline coursing through his body. "Got you." Techno grins.

"Fuck." 

* * *

Dream runs for his fucking life, ducking under branches, leaping over fallen tree trunks. He swerves to the left, narrowly missing running into a tree. He jumps as high as he can, wrapping his arms around a tree, scrambling up it as fast as he can. He perches there for a second, his heart pounding. He stares at Techno, watching as the man circles around him. "I'm not coming down, Techno."

"You're gonna have to," Techno grins up at him, that stupid, cocky look on his face. "I can wait, Dream. I'm not goin' anywhere."

Dream sighs, glancing away for a second. He eyes the next tree over, figuring it's only a foot or two away from him. Dream breathes out, bunches up his legs. He leaps, wrapping his legs around the branch, nearly rolling off of it. "I'm perfectly adapt at fighting on land _and_ in the sky," Dream teases, regaining his balance. "You're going _down_ , bacon boy."

* * *

**7:09 PM**

**Philza** : They're looping around atm

 **gogy** : they're still at it

 **wolburscoot** : what did you expect

 **tapltired** : it's dream and techno they cannot stop

 **badboyhello** : are they okay? :o

 **Philza** : I honestly have no clue

 **sippycup** : this is the best day of my life

 **chilltiredbi** : the house is finished

 **BEES!** : can i have my buzzsaw back?

 **chilltiredbi** : of course you can

 **businessman** : tell you what tubbo

 **businessman** : i'll buy you another buzz saw

 **BEES!** : :D

 **NOTafurry** : i heard screaming

 **NOTafurry** : and there's a wheeze

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : COME ON BIG MAN DONT LET THE GREEN BITCH BEAT YOU

 **wolburscoot** : dad send videos

 **Philza** : I am not getting anywhere close to them

 **Philza** : Wilbur, Dream's got an axe

 **Philza** : Techno can handle himself lmao I'm not touching that


	27. [TOES: not his fault youre SO FUCKIGN DENSE]

**8:09 PM**

_conversation between **beaverbitch** and **TOES**_

**TOES** : spifey

 **beaverbitch** : dont start

 **TOES** : geo listen to me right now

 **beaverbitch** : i don't like listening to you

 **TOES** : NOW IS THE BEST TIME TO TELL HIM

 **beaverbitch** : IT IS NOT???????

 **TOES** : DO IT

 **TOES** : HE LIKES YOU BACK OH MY GOD

 **TOES** : ITS FUCKING DISGUSTING HOW IN LOVE YOU TWO ARE PLEASE JSUT BSHHJDJKLSDKJFHGHDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ;))))

 **beaverbitch** : he does not

 **beaverbitch** : harvey doesnt

 **TOES** : yes he does

 **TOES** : not his fault youre SO FUCKIGN DENSE

**8:20 PM**

**technopig** : new idea

 **dreamlmao** : we've come up w a new idea together

 **gogy** : are you finally doing irl manhunting

 **dreamlmao** : not quite

 **dreamlmao** : i found another axe

 **dreamlmao** : so we're gonna give you guys a 20 minute head start

 **sippycup** : bullshit

 **sippycup** : cap 

**wolburscoot** : i'd call bullshit but i'm gonna start running now

 **wolburscoot** : actually can you guys wait until the morning i'm tired

 **dreamlmao** : yeah sure

 **technopig** : no

 **technopig** : what the hell dream

 **dreamlmao** : wake up at 6am sharp cause thats when we're coming 

**gogy** : can i get a pass

 **dreamlmao** : well i won't maim you 

**gogy** : fuck you

 **sippycup** : ;)

 **gogy** : die

**4:04 AM**

**wolburscoot** : ok lads

 **wolburscoot** : time to go

 **tapltired** : we have 2 hours stfu let me sleep

 **wolburscoot** : tapl you will die if we don't go now

 **beaverbitch** : harvey he's right

 **tapltired** : fine

 **tapltired** : but i'm not happy about it

 **megapvp** : both of them can literally fuck off i'm going back to bed

 **TOES** : finn & the rest are awoken

 **wolburscoot** : i like that

 **chilltiredbi** : "finn and the rest"

 **chilltiredbi** : is that like

 **chilltiredbi** : "beautiful finn & the rest"

 **TOES** : yes

 **TOES** : he's the only one who looks cute 24/7

 **badboyhello** : skeppy is cute! <33

 **skippy** : HBAHhHFHFH hNMAMKTHNAKSMAn,

 **wolburscoot** : you fucking broke him

 **TOES** : can confirm he's blushing rn

 **beaverbitch** : heheheheheee loser

 **skippy** : GEO

 **beaverbitch** : oK SORRY

 **zelk!** : alright let's go

 **chilltiredbi** : here i'll send my coords

 **wolburscoot** : your WHATS

* * *

Wilbur sighs, not entirely sure how he ended up being the one to lead the pack. He trails through the forest, his entire body screaming at him to go back to sleep. He was _comfortable_ , and it was _warm_ , and now he's awake. He knows he could text Techno or Dream and tell them to not, and they would listen to him if he made it clear he was being serious, but..he sighs. It's _fun_. Wilbur lives for the adrenaline rush, he lives for doing dumb shit like this with his friends, really, he does. Life would be boring if he didn't try to outrun two serial murderers every couple of weeks. Fundy yawns next to him, covering his mouth up for a couple of seconds. "What happens if we get lost, Will?" 

"Well," Wilbur shrugs. "There's like, fifteen of us. I think we'll be okay. You good, Tubbo?" Tubbo beams at him, nearly tripping over a stick. Schlatt grabs the collar of his shirt before he manages to, pulling him back a bit. 

"Yeah!" Tubbo smiles, clearly tired. "Thank you!" He grins at Schlatt, who just shrugs in return. As soon as Tubbo looks away, though, Wilbur sees him smile. Wilbur smiles back at him, giving him a little nod. He understands. Tubbo's such a good kid, and Schlatt practically adopted him. Eret and Dream also adopted him. Wilbur's glad Tubbo's got three older siblings to take care of him. Even if they're the weirdest older brothers Wilbur's ever fucking met, so long as Tubbo's fine, Wilbur's fine with it. "Guys! I see Eret and Tommy!" Tubbo calls out, and then he's gone, running off to his best friend.

Wilbur laughs, picking up his pace to a jog. "Eret!" Niki beams at the man, waving. Eret beams back, gesturing down to..huh. "I didn't think you'd actually..make a house." Eret grins, pride shining through his eyes. 

"I did," he crosses his arms, puffing out his chest a bit. "It's not all that great, but I'd say it's dog-sized. So.." he tilts his head, grinning at Fundy. "It's furry-sized."

Fundy blinks. "Oh, fuck off," he punches Eret in the arm, but he's laughing. "You're such a prick." 

"Don't have to tell me," Eret laughs, holding up both of his hands. "What time is it?" Wilbur pulls out his phone, wincing at the brightness. 

"Around five," he glances behind him, watching as Spifey and Tapl trail behind him. Finn's got Skeppy in a headlock, and Vurb looks like he's about to assault Zelk. Wilbur's got no clue where Bad ran off to, but Skeppy's here, so he's probably nearby. George yawns, nearly stumbling into him. "Did Sapnap really stay at the campsite?" George yawns again, nodding.

"Yeah. He said he'd manage to get out of it. Fucking.." he yawns again. "Bought pool noodles and floaties. And he thinks that's gonna stop Dream? _And_ Techno? He's gonna die. Fucking..finally," George mutters, leaning on Wilbur's shoulder. "I'm annoyed." Wilbur nudges him off, giving him a light shove back.

"You lean on me, you're gonna fall asleep. We gotta keep moving," he reminds George. "Alright!" Wilbur claps his hands together, grinning at the weird group in front of him. "Let's get planning."

* * *

**6:00 AM**

**dreamlmao** : we're on our way

 **technopig** : :)

* * *

Tapl wishes that he had better friends. "Beautiful Finn and the rest," Finn beams, giving him a nudge. "Beautiful Finn and the rest! Beautiful Finn and the rest." 

"Shut _up_ ," Tapl whines, closing his eyes. God, why the hell did he agree to come on this stupid camping trip? Probably because it meant he got to share a tent with Spifey, which is stupid as hell, but it's too late to back out of it. Spifey's wandered off somewhere with the promise that he'd be back soon, leaving Tapl to deal with the rest of the Idots. Which one of them came up with that? Probably Skeppy, he decides. It's always Skeppy. It _always_ is Skeppy. "You're not beautiful."

"So you wouldn't kiss me?"

"No," Tapl tells him, wishing he could get away with punching him. Finn brought his knives. Tapl is not going to fuck around with Finn when he has knives on him. "I would rather die than even be talking to you right now." 

Finn giggles, tossing his head back. "At least I don't make you choke on your words." 

Tapl stares at him. He slams his fist into Finn's shoulder, glaring at him with such an intensity that it _should_ get the point across. Finn just giggles even more, ducking his head this time. "How the fuck do you.."

"Longing glances," Finn smiles. "Lingering touches. You love him, he loves you. You guys really are pulling a Skeppy and Bad right now, you know that? Am I gonna have to wait forever again to see my friends be happy?" Tapl crosses his arms, staring directly ahead of him. "C'mon, Harv'. Don't act like that. I'll literally, like.." Finn sighs. "Fuck it. I'll let Vurb see my toes if you ask him out." Tapl blinks.

"You..that's a lot to offer, Finn."

Finn grins at him, shrugging. "I know that he isn't going to say no. I'm not even worried. Fuck it! He can _lick_ my toes, if he fuckin' wants, I don't care," he laughs. "Just ask the man _out_ , Harvey. Seriously. You're both like..kicked puppies right now, it's gross." Tapl nods, quietly wishing Finn would've just stabbed him. _Fuck_.

* * *

**6:20 AM**

**dreamlmao** : you guys are doing pretty good rn

 **dreamlmao** : however there are footprints i've found

 **technopig** : i see from the trees

 **technopig** : i am one with the birds

 **dreamlmao** : yeah yeah whatever get down before you kill yourself

 **dreamlmao** : anyways sapnap is also on our team

 **wolburscoot** : THAT IS SO UNFAIR

 **sippycup** : haha get fucked hairboy 

**sippycup** : i've got god and the roomba on my side

 **technopig** : ...

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **dreamlmao** : nvm he's running now


	28. [dreamlmao: he angrery]

**6:33 AM**

**dreamlmao** : techno is on the hunt

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **dreamlmao** : he angrery

 **sippycup** : IM SOR SORRY

 **wolburscoot** : AHAHAHAAHA GET FUCKED

 **wolburscoot** : imagine getting chased by TECHNOBLADE

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : NOT POG, BIG MAN. NOT POG

 **BEES!** : where did you guys go?

 **wolburscoot** : what do you mean

 **TOES** : did you lose beautiful finn & the rest

 **BEES!** : yeah :(

 **BEES!** : but tommy's w me!! :D

 **wolburscoot** : oh my god

 **dreamlmao** : heheheehehehehe

 **dreamlmao** : never split up

 **gogy** : stfu

 **dreamlmao** : i'm coming for you george

 **beaverbitch** : you don't have to tell us that 

**dreamlmao** : ;)

 **TOES** : that's disgusting 

**businessman** : before marriage, really?

 **businessman** : you're setting a bad example for tubbo

 **dreamlmao** : fuck you're right 

**dreamlmao** : tubbo never listen to me when i talk about george ok? :)

 **BEES!** : but he's youre boyfriend wht wouldnt you be alowed to hold his hand?

 **chilltiredbi** : don't worry about it too much tubbo

 **chilltiredbi** : it's a joke

 **BEES!** : ohhh okay!

 **businessman** : staying celibate is never a joke eret

 **wolburscoot** : ^^^^^

 **wolburscoot** : why do you think schlatt flirts so aggressively w me

 **chilltiredbi** : sigh

 **chilltiredbi** : wait 

**chilltiredbi** : i hear techno

* * *

"Alright! All in favour of making George distract his boyfriend? Say I."

"Wait, _wha-_ "

"I!"

"I!"

"Me."

"The Idots are all in favour."

"I think you mean Beautiful Finn and the Rest."

George blinks, staring at all of his "friends". They've betrayed him. They've completely and utterly fucked him over, there's no way he..what the _hell_. "You're all evil bastards," George mutters, running his hand through his hair. There's not going to be much of a choice for him to _not_. He's not scared of Dream. George is the absolute least scared of Dream in his entire friend group. However, that's _normal_ Dream. This is Dream on two hours of sleep with an _axe_ , _and_ he's got Techno to goad him on. This Dream is terrifying. "I hate all of you."

 **megapvp** : that's the point

George whirls around to face the prick, flipping him off. "We should've left you at the goddamn campsite," he complains. "Fine. Fine! Whatever. Have fun dealing with _Techno_ , who's easily more unhinged than the other one." And so he stomps off, annoyance and rage mixing in his chest. George can hear his friends whooping and wolf-whistling behind him, and he hopes Techno manages to hear that. He hopes Techno kills them all, especially Fundy. Dumb furry bastard was the one who suggested using George as _bait_. Who _does_ that? Fundy, apparently. George stalks back towards the campsite, figuring that he's going the right way. He's got no clue, he was half-asleep when Wilbur dragged him out of his tent. 

"Hi," George doesn't scream (he doesn't scream in general, especially not this time), but he does shout, his ass hitting the ground as he whirls back around to face- _Dream_. Dream's doubled over wheezing, giggling like the asshole he is. His entire face is shining with joy, and George wishes he wasn't as cute when he does that. "Oh my god, the look on your face!" Dream laughs, clutching his stomach. "Oh my god, oh my god. You're such..you're such an idiot," he giggles, offering George a hand. "Techno picked up on Wilbur's trail. Sapnap went back to Walmart." 

"I.." George wishes he could be surprised. Really, he does. He wishes he could be surprised that this is his life, but he just can't be. "You're _such_ an asshole."

Dream grins, his eyes sparkling. "I just wanted to say hi!" He pulls George up, chest bumping his own. "Hi."

"You already said that," George stares up at him, trying his best to stay annoyed. It was never a problem before, but now they're _dating_ , and it's _weird_ , and George is..stupid. That's what he is, he's stupid. In love? No. Stupid? Yes. "Can I go back home now?" Dream shakes his head. 

"Nope. I'll take you back to the campsite, if you want me to. But the camping trip isn't over." George sighs.

"When'll it be over?" Dream manages to grin even more, very clearly scheming. 

" _Never_ ," Dream tells him. "We're always camping. No more modern life. Just camping."

George sighs again. "I hate you."

"Love you, too," Dream smiles, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "Come on. Let's get you back to safety."

* * *

**7:56 AM**

**wolburscoot** : HE FIUD OUT

 **beaverbitch** : what

 **TOES** : where did you guys go 

**tapltired** : i'm w the rest of the idots

 **zelk!** : can confirm, finn is also here

 **zelk!** : where'd you go vurb?

 **TOES** : hunting 

**zelk!** : ...

 **TOES** : you're supposed to ask "for what"

 **zelk!** : fine

 **zelk!** : what are you hunting for, vurb

 **TOES** : toes ;)

 **tapltired** : knew it

 **beaverbitch** : is it that surprising 

**tapltired** : no

 **sippycup** : techno im so sorry

 **technopig** : too late

 **sippycup** : DRAM HELP

 **dreamlmao** : whos dram

 **gogy** : you, you dumb bitch

 **dreamlmao** : george 

**dreamlmao** : george look at me

 **gogy** : no

 **gogy** : hi my name is geogrge ahd I LOVE DRESA IM I LVIOE WIT FREAM

 **wolburscoot** : did you steal his fucking phone

 **gogy** : me? never :) this is george. i am in love with dream

 **TOES** : why's he stopped struggling to get it away from you

 **dreamlmao** : he's fine dw

 **gogy** : i am fine dw

 **businessman** : so that's a fucking lie 

* * *

Eret would consider himself fairly responsible, a fairly decent role model. He hasn't burnt down a forest, ran from the cops, or hunted his friends down with real axes, so he'd figure that he's a good, model citizen. Albeit with a past of theft, but that was just because Tubbo wanted gum, and Eret wasn't paying three dollars for a pack of fucking _gum_. But otherwise, nothing too out of the ordinary. He got good grades in school, played football (not the dumb American kind) for a bit, and had a decent childhood without much interference. However, right now, he's quietly considering murder.

Eret loves his friends! Of course he does, he absolutely adores them. They're all awful, but he loves them anyways. Right now, though, he's a bit annoyed. Eret wouldn't consider himself an angry person. Hell, he wouldn't even say that he _gets_ angry - just mildly annoyed. He leans back against a tree, listening to Wilbur and Schlatt scream at each other from approximately three miles away. Tubbo's sleeping right next to him, head resting on his shoulder. And then there's Tommy, who's sleeping across his lap, with his head on Tubbo's leg. Niki is nearly asleep to the left of him, slipping in and out of consciousness. Fundy's sprawled out over all of them, mostly Niki and Tommy. Eret doesn't mind being used as a human pillow, really, he doesn't. Tubbo's his little brother, and the rest of them are good friends, he absolutely doesn't mind.

However, he's a bit annoyed that he can hear Techno's footsteps, and he's got nowhere to run. Eret knows that Techno wouldn't do anything, especially not with Tommy there. That doesn't mean he's not going to be annoyed. Eret knows very well that it's a bit, but it's still mildly concerning. He doubts Dream or Techno would actually maim any of them, but at the same time..it's Dream and Techno, and neither of them can ever be trusted, ever. He listens to Wilbur shout something about Finn, hears Vurb scream something about toes. He's fairly certain Tapl and Spifey managed to split up from the rest of their friends, so they might be admitting their feelings now. Eret wouldn't be surprised if they kept pining, though. They're nearly as bad as Dream and George. 

He sighs, closing his eyes. It's surprisingly warm out in the forest, but that might just be the four people scattered on top of him. Eret looks up, hearing the crashing before he sees it. Techno stares back at him, one eyebrow raised. "Uh..blood for the blood god?" Techno offers, holding up his axe.

"They are _sleeping_ , Techno," Eret scolds. "Shh," he smiles, which turns into a grin when Schlatt shouts again. "Go get them." Techno grins. 

"Have a nice nap."

"We will." Eret assures him, watching as the Blade disappears out of sight, going back to his hunt. 

* * *

**8:22 AM**

**tapltired** : i am so lost

 **beaverbitch** : how????

 **beaverbitch** : i JUST saw you

 **TOES** : OH NO

 **tapltired** : IUSGHDFGHJSDHG

 **beaverbitch** : ???? HARVEY??

 **tapltired** : HESZ HERE

 **wolburscoot** : OH FUCK OIH HSUIT OH NI

 **businessman** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **zelk!** : GO RIGHT GO RIGHT CHARGE HIM CHANRGE HJIM AHCAGFE HJKM

 **TOES** : FUCKUFCKUFCK F

 **chilltiredbi** : f

 **gogy** : f

 **sippycup** : f


	29. [TOES: tapl just got technoplane'd]

**8:45 AM**

**beaverbitch** : ....

 **beaverbitch** : harvey? vurb? 

**TOES** : tapl just got technoplane'd 

**beaverbitch** : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

 **TOES** : technoplane

 **TOES** : i'm gone from the scene 

**TOES** : i am not risking my toes

 **wolburscoot** : i lost schlatt

 **wolburscoot** : i'm entirely alone 

**wolburscoot** : this is terrifying 

**gogy** : haha get wrecked 

**dreamlmao** : sorry wrong phone

 **wolburscoot** : WHY DO YOU HAVE HIS PHONE

 **dreamlmao** : he's sleeping

 **dreamlmao** : he's back at the campsite atm 

**sippycup** : simp

 **dreamlmao** : i gotta

 **sippycup** : anyone want anything from the store while i'm out

 **wolburscoot** : crisps 

**sippycup** : wtf are """crisps"""

 **beaverbitch** : he wants chips

 **beaverbitch** : i also want chips. preferably sea salt 

**sippycup** : ew ok

 **sippycup** : weirdchamp 

**dreamlmao** : you literally drink carbonated melon milk

 **sippycup** : you literally eat dead mice 

**dreamlmao** : well at least i don't drink carbonated melon milk

 **businessman** : i have escaped 

**businessman** : wilbur

 **businessman** : find me

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt i'm terrified 

**businessman** : i know wilbur

 **businessman** : but you gotta find me 

**businessman** : i've got air con wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : i

 **wolburscoot** : how did you

 **businessman** : find me wilbur 

**chilltiredbi** : where's finn?

 **TOES** : idk i lost him

 **TOES** : beautiful finn is gone 

**TOES** : it's just the rest now 

**8:58 AM**

_conversation between **beaverbitch** and_ _**tapltired**_

 **beaverbitch** : harv????

 **tapltired:** t

 **tapltired** : technoplane 

**beaverbitch** : oh my god

 **beaverbitch** : okay where are you 

**tapltired** : dead

 **beaverbitch** : tapl you little shit 

**tapltired** : fine fine 

**tapltired** : i'm not entirely sure

 **tapltired** : techno dive bombed me 

**tapltired** : and then he started to chase after wilbur 

**beaverbitch** : okay i'll try to find you

 **beaverbitch** : no promises

 **beaverbitch** : just stay very very far away from the direction he went 

**tapltired** : already planned on doing that

 **beaverbitch** : be safe

 **tapltired** : i will be :)

 **beaverbitch** : :)

**9:20 AM**

**sippycup** : @beaverbitch

 **sippycup** : i got ur chips 

**sippycup** : @wolburscoot 

**sippycup** : i didnt know what you wanted so bought like 20 bags of everything 

**sippycup** : yw

 **technopig** : wilbur is dead

 **technopig** : i found him hiding w schlatt in the rest centre and i technoplaned in

 **dreamlmao** : explain technoplane to me

 **technopig** : i fly :)

 **Philza** : Alright boys

 **Philza** : I let this happen for like three days

 **Philza** : But I have no clue where any of you are now 

**Philza** : Campsite time 

**technopig** : but father

 **technopig** : i finally got rid of one 

**Philza** : Techno I don't need you to reverse-adopt my kids 

**technopig** : only your least favourite ones :)

 **Philza** : Oh my god

 **gogy** : sapnap brought marshmallows 

**gogy** : & things for smores

 **dreamlmao** : temporary truce for the night?

 **technopig** : ...

 **technopig** : temporary truce 

**3:02 PM**

**wolburscoot** : why the fuck is this mountain so high up

 **dreamlmao** : it's a mountain

 **wolburscoot** : fuck you

**4:29 PM**

**beaverbitch** : found harvey

 **TOES** : *beautiful finn & the rest

 **TOES** : the rest of us are here too spifey

 **skippy** : ;)

 **beaverbitch** : i like finn more than the rest of you

 **TOES** : ok spifey

 **badboyhello** : what?

 **skippy** : ill trell you latrer dw 

**6:09 PM**

**dreamlmao** : i think we're only missing eret, niki, fundy, and the kids now 

**wolburscoot** : yeah that's it 

**technopig** : they're taking a nap

 **technopig** : i passed them when i went to hunt wilbur

 **technopig** : eret made me shut up and then i heard you

 **wolburscoot** : THAT TRAITOR

 **businessman** : ERET YOU BASTARD 

**chilltiredbi** : i had to ;)

 **chilltiredbi** : we're on our way btw

 **chilltiredbi** : it was a lot of bargaining but we're coming 

* * *

Tubbo beams as Eret carries him through the forest, wrapping his legs around the man's waist. "How long will it take before we're back to the campsite?" He asks, tilting his head to look at Tommy. "How long did it take you to get here from the camp?" Tommy shrugs, reaching over to punch Fundy in the arm. 

"Like, twenty minutes, probably. I don't fuckin' know, I wasn't paying attention. I was busy looking for the _furry_ ," Fundy scoffs, rolling his eyes into the back of his head. "Well, it's true, and you know it. If you hadn't run off, then we could've gone back there. But _no_ , instead I had to stay out here with _Eret_ , and watch him build a fucking shack. Which is bu-"

"You liked it and you know it," Eret laughs, planting his hands on Tubbo's legs. "And Fundy, I know you liked it, too. I made it just for you. It was perfect size, wasn't it?"

Fundy scoffs again, turning his head away. "I hate you, Eret. Like, so much. My level of hatred for you is ridiculously high." 

"I thought it was nice," Niki smiles, walking alongside Fundy. "It's been what, ten minutes? We'll probably be there in another ten, right?" Eret nods. Tubbo smiles as he rests his head on the top of Eret's. He really didn't want to get up and walk through the forest again, so he figured Eret would be strong enough to pick him up and carry him. Turns out, he was right.

To be fair, Tubbo thinks, when _isn't_ he right? He's Big Law for a reason. However..he smiles to himself, humming one of Wilbur's songs. Big Crime _does_ seem appealing. Maybe later, he thinks, but he thinks it'll happen sooner than anyone thinks.

* * *

Schlatt wishes he knew how the hell he got here in his life. 

He loves all of his bits, he loves all of his jokes and he sort of likes his friends. Are they even his friends? Who knows. He knows that he likes Wilbur - Wilbur's probably his best friend, actually. Tubbo's the best kid he's met, Tommy's a little gremlin and he _loves_ it. He sighs, poking a stick through Wilbur's marshmallow, taking it for himself. Tubbo's gotten himself a fucking sugar rush, and Schlatt isn't going to be anywhere near _that_. He loves Tubbo! He's like his little brother. Schlatt would die for that kid, and that's saying something. But when he turns into "Big Crime" as he calls it, Schlatt's not gonna fucking touch that. 

He pops the marshmallow into his mouth, turning to look at Tubbo. He's busy chasing Tommy down with a three-foot stick in hand, shouting at him to come back. He can hear Tommy's wheezes, which is both good and bad. Tommy's clearly having fun, but at the same time, he looks like of terrified. Which is fair, Schlatt'd be terrified if Tubbo chased him down, too. Well, this isn't really _Tubbo_ , is it? It's Big Crime. Schlatt kind of misses Big Law, actually. Tubbo's been getting into the political club with him, which is nice. 

Schlatt didn't even want to become the president of the politics club, but it kind of fucking happened. He's not entirely sure how or why, but it's too late to back out now, so he'll keep doing it. Plus, it fits with with his ongoing bit of being a raging politician, so that's nice. He leans back against Wilbur's shoulder, propping his legs up on the logs Dream moved for them to sit on. "Big Crime's at it again." Schlatt smiles, watching Tommy try to scramble up a tree. It's futile, and Tubbo drags him back down to the ground. 

"Wilbur! Techno! Dad! Help!" Tommy screams, desperately crawling away. 

"I love Big Crime," Wilbur smiles back, placing a marshmallow on Schlatt's nose. "This is the worst sugar rush I've seen in a while. Tommy might actually die." 

Schlatt laughs, careful to not knock over the marshmallow. "Yeah? Five bucks bet Tub- Big Crime kills him."

"Well, that's just unfair," Wilbur grins. "Big Crime is unstoppable, you know this."

"Yeah," Schlatt smiles, staring up at the stars. "I do."


	30. [wolburscoot: is it the same rules as a small animal where i can't move him]

**4:03 AM**

**dreamlmao** : :)

 **dreamlmao** : i like this

 **dreamlmao** : i'm very tired but i think this is nice

 **dreamlmao** : ily guys

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **dreamlmao** : look at the pile they've created 

**gogy** : simp

 **gogy** : for me

 **dreamlmao** : disgusting

 **gogy** : DREAM

 **dreamlmao** : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE

 **sippycup** : stop being sappy

 **dreamlmao** : says sappynappy

 **sippycup** : die bitch

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt fell asleep on my leg

 **wolburscoot** : is it the same rules as a small animal where i can't move him

 **chilltiredbi** : i assume so

 **chilltiredbi** : _[image sent]_

 **chilltiredbi** : techno and tommy are curled into a pile together

 **chilltiredbi** : tubbos w me, and i think fundy is laying next to niki and finn(?)

 **TOES** : that's *beautiful finn to you

 **chilltiredbi** : fuck youre right sorry

 **F1NNxROSE** : fundy is literally sprawled across me 

**F1NNxROSE** : my phone is at 2%

 **F1NNxROSE** : i cannot breathe please assist

 **dreamlmao** : i'll beat him to death for you dw

 **F1NNxROSE** : I DIDNT SAY THSAT

 **beaverbitch** : help 

**TOES** : oh my god 

**TOES** : im owm

**6:09 AM**

**tapltired** : tired

 **tapltired** : very gtured

 **beaverbitch** : gtured 

**tapltired** : yeah

 **badboyhello** : good morning!! :D

 **badboyhello** : i took skeppy home bc he was feeling sick :(

 **badboyhello** : i think i might stay there too, he's sick :(((

 **dreamlmao** : fair 

**dreamlmao** : i'll be taking the Boys home 

**Philza** : Same here

 **Philza** : It's been way too long of a weekend 

**wolburscoot** : but schlatt is on my leg and will not get up

 **wolburscoot** : assistance is needed 

**technopig** : just push him off

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : stab him

 **BEES!** : NO!!! :(

 **BEES!** : he's nice

 **wolburscoot** : i don't think you've ever met schlatt before tubbo

 **BEES!** : i have!

 **BEES!** : he's bying me a new buzz saw :D

 **chilltiredbi** : tubbo i would buy you all the buzz saws in the world

 **dreamlmao** : me too

 **dreamlmao** : let's make a kickstarter to buy all the buzz saws 

**chilltiredbi** : agreed

 **wolburscoot** : i still need help getting the bastard off of me

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : omw

 **wolburscoot** : oh no

**6:23 AM**

**businessman** : you could have just woken me up NICELY

 **businessman** : but NO

 **businessman** : YOU HAD TO GET TOMMY OF ALL PEOPLE

 **wolburscoot** : hey it wasn't my idea

 **businessman** : big crime, get him outta here 

**BEES!** : yes schlatt! :D

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : DONT BLINDLY AGREE WITH HIM

 **TOES** : OH GOD ITS BIG CRIME

 **tapltired** : he's back

 **BEES!** : :D

**7:36 AM**

**Philza** : For reference, Techno is driving atm

 **Philza** : Tubbo has Tommy in a headlock

 **Philza** : Wilbur is screaming

 **Philza** : I think Schlatt is in the trunk

 **Philza** : And Niki is..also in the trunk? I lost those two

 **wolburscoot** : HELP

 **wolburscoot** : I CANT HEAR TOIMMY IS CRSMIRAN GIN YM HAJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **gogy** : haha loser

 **gogy** : sapnap is also in the trunk

 **gogy** : but not by choice

 **sippycup** : yeah fuck you guys

 **sippycup** : this is literally kidnapping 

**gogy** : no it's not

 **dreamlmao** : nah

 **dreamlmao** : you could always get out if you wanted

 **dreamlmao** : trunk's unlocked

 **gogy** : oh no

**8:22 AM**

**gogy** : so we lost sapnap

**9:00 AM**

**sippycup** : no you didnt

 **sippycup** : im at walmart

**10:56 AM**

**dreamlmao** : is walmart like your comfort space 

**sippycup** : yes

 **dreamlmao** : fair

 **sippycup** : obviously

 **gogy** : wtf

 **gogy** : get out of walmart

 **sippycup** : no this is my home

**11:02 AM**

**Philza** : We made it back home

 **Philza** : I think Schlatt is dead

 **Philza** : Tommy passed out a bit ago (not bc of Big Crime)

 **Philza** : Thank you for driving Techno

 **technopig** : yeah

 **technopig** : i didn't want to deal with them anyways and wilbur's a shit driver

 **wolburscoot** : slander 

**technopig** : it really isn't 

**technopig** : when have i ever told a lie in my entire life? 

**dreamlmao** : when you said that you thought you hated me

 **dreamlmao** : you love me and you know it

 **technopig** : dream that was 100% true

 **technopig** : if i could get away with killing you i would 

**dreamlmao** : aww ily2

 **technopig** : die

**1:02 PM**

**F1NNxROSE** : good news and bad news

 **F1NNxROSE** : i took fundy & eret home

 **F1NNxROSE** : and they would NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **chilltiredbi** : it was karaoke :)

 **NOTafurry** : yeah whatd you have against that finn

 **NOTafurry** : you not into karaoke?

 **chilltiredbi** : ^^^

 **F1NNxROSE** : fundy listen

 **F1NNxROSE** : eret's singing voice is amazing, 10/10. you screech like a feral ass fucking fox

 **F1NNxROSE** : this is why we call you a furry

 **NOTafurry** : FUCK YOU


	31. [chilltiredbi: the store is home depot]

**5:22 AM**

**dreamlmao** : brb running into the woods bc i dont want to go to school 

**technopig** : that's just dramatic 

**dreamlmao** : says you

 **businessman** : dream come w eret & i we're going to the store

 **businessman** : you know

 **businessman** : The Store

 **chilltiredbi** : home depot 

**chilltiredbi** : the store is home depot

 **dreamlmao** : is it even open

 **chilltiredbi** : it's for tubbo we'll make an opening 

**6:55 AM**

**chilltiredbi** : so i've got good news and bad news

 **gogy** : omfg 

**gogy** : what the fuck did you do 

**sippycup** : does it include arson or the cops 

**chilltiredbi** : no but it does include breaking and entering 

**sippycup** : boring we've all done that before

 **chilltiredbi** : dream pissed in a home depot

 **sippycup** : .

 **sippycup** : eret i'm not surprised 

**sippycup** : give me smth more 

**chilltiredbi** : schlatt is on the roof 

**wolburscoot** : WHAT 

**wolburscoot** : HOQW DID HE CLIMB UP THERE HE IS LIKE THE LEAST ATHLETIC PERSON I KNOW

 **businessman** : well that's just rude 

**businessman** : keep that up and i'm gonna start looking at your ankles 

**chilltiredbi** : schlatt stfu you've got no rights rn

 **chilltiredbi** : anyways

 **chilltiredbi** : phil?

 **Philza** : Give me 2 more hours

 **chilltiredbi** : ????? IT OPENS IN 30 MINUTES

 **Philza** : Shhh I'm going back to bed

 **chilltiredbi** : DADZA PLEASE

 **technopig** : sigh

 **technopig** : i want 40k

 **businessman** : done

 **dreamlmao** : i'll pitch in yeah

 **chilltiredbi** : techno please

 **gogy** : i'm coming w

 **gogy** : you are all hazards to society 

**dreamlmao** : but not cowards

 **chilltiredbi** : ^^^

 **businessman** : ^^^^

**7:10 AM**

**wolburscoot** : rescue mission?

 **technopig** : successful

 **technopig** : technoplane'd in

 **wolburscoot** : what does that mean

 **technopig** : technoplane :)

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : it's called DIVE BOMBING, wilbur

 **technopig** : i fly :)

 **BEES!** : did you guysy rlly brake into a home depo to get me a saw? 

**chilltiredbi** : yes

 **dreamlmao** : anything for you tubbo

 **businessman** : we got you three saws

 **technopig** : can confirm they're all in my trunk

 **technopig** : along with dream

 **dreamlmao** : i can't believe you wouldn't let me sit up front

 **dreamlmao** : you're not my uber driver

 **technopig** : keep that up and i'm gonna start to technoplane this car 

**dreamlmao** : WHAT

 **chilltiredbi** : thank god i went w george

 **businessman** : i'm also in george's trunk

 **businessman** : why the fuck is this place so small

 **gogy** : ITS ATRUNK

 **sippycup** : sigh

**8:09 AM**

**badboyhello** : oh my gosh

 **badboyhello** : _[image sent]_

 **badboyhello** : are you two seriously streaming you two fencing in the cafeteria 

**gogy** : yeah they are

 **sippycup** : we're not surprised 

**wolburscoot** : we've never been surprised

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : this is just the norm big man

 **BEES!** : sadly 

**skippy** : hHEHAHAHAH

 **skippy** : CBA DCOKE BAXK WATHC THE SREAN W <ME

 **zelk!** : it's just getting worse

 **zelk!** : he's deteriorating 

**beaverbitch** : we're not surprised 

**tapltired** : never have been never will be 

**F1NNxROSE** : for reference techno just fell

 **F1NNxROSE** : aND THE FUCKING FURRYIS GISNFGUNG

 **F1NNxROSE** : SHUT RHE FUCK YPO FUNEYR

* * *

Techno occasionally wishes that he could murder his family and friends. Right now is one of those times. 

He's very happy in his life and with where he's at. He's very happy that Phil adopted him, he's very happy that Phil adopted the other two. Techno's, begrudgingly, glad that he's got a semi-decent group of friends. However, there are always those times where he wants to change his identity and run away to Spain and live in a minivan for the rest of his life, and today is one of those days. And, this time, he might actually do it. 

It was never Techno's idea to stream the fencing match. The fencing match had become a weekly, if not daily, ritual he shared with Dream. And as much as he would never admit it, it tended to be one of the highlights of his day. Dream brought an entire setup, along with the buzz saws, to school, setting it up in the middle of the cafeteria, tweaking settings for the majority of the morning. He finally got George and Tubbo to man the cameras, with Finn and Eret above them for more of a view. And now, with everyone in the cafeteria watching them fight, there's hundreds of thousands more watching from their phones. 

The students here stopped filming their "fights" after day one of Techno glaring at them, which was nice. But now, now..Techno isn't entirely sure why the hell he ever decided to show the green bastard around the school. He's honestly wondering if dropping out is still a good idea. 

Whatever.

He ducks under Dream's swipe, leaping back onto the table behind him. He hears the crowd scream and howl at that. It sets off his pride, ego, and anxiety, which is a real fucking weird mix. "Come on, green man!" Techno taunts, grinning as he gestures to the herd around them. "You're disappointin' the people! Blood for the blood god!" He chants, another rush of pride rushing through him when he hears half of the crowd start to chant along with him. At least some of them have taste. 

"Says the strip of bacon," Dream teases, casually standing like a goddamn flamingo. "Dre supremacy!" Dream shouts, clapping his hands together. "Dre! Dre! Dre!" The other half of the crowd starts to howl that, nearly washing over Techno's blood god supporters. 

"Blood for the blood god!" The crowd screams when Techno rushes forwards, forcing Dream to stumble back, nearly falling off of the table. 

"Dre! Dre! Dre!" The crowd shouts when Dream manages to loop around him, doing a backflip onto the next table. 

"I'm about to do somethin' called a pro-gamer move," Techno announces, drawing another fencing sword from his belt. "Bring it, green man." Dream grins at him, his eyes lighting up.

"You're on, bacon boy."

* * *

**12:23 AM**

**gogy** : the stream was VERY successful

 **gogy** : polls are tied between dre and blood god

 **Philza** : They also want a cooking stream

 **BEES!** : IM GOOD AT COOKING!!!

 **wolburscoot** : cooking stream w sleepybois + tubbo vs dremtem

 **dreamlmao** : do not call us the "dremtem"

 **dreamlmao** : and sleepybois, really? did you just come up w that

 **businessman** : i'm gonna run my own cooking show and it's gonna be called schlatt's digestive system

 **F1NNxROSE** : the idots will get in on this 

**F1NNxROSE** : zak idc if youre sick we're cooking tomorrow 

**F1NNxROSE** : IM GONNA WEAR THE MAID OUTFIT

 **TOES** : the WHAT


	32. [KILLEDAWOMAN: TIME TO GET COOKING]

**2:03 AM**

**TOES** : ok beautiful finn & the rest get in a call w me 

**dreamlmao** : bitch and bf get in vc 

**dreamlmao** : you too fundy and eret

 **dreamlmao** : and i also want karl

 **sippycup** has added **karl** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **sippycup** : he's here now

 **sippycup** : hey bb ;)

 **karl** : hey bithhhh ;)

 **gogy** : what the fuck

 **sippycup** : we're homies bro stfu

 **NOTafurry** : i wanna be on wilbur's team

 **wolburscoot** : we need the diversity dream

 **wolburscoot** : he's the furry icon

 **NOTafurry** : nvm i'm going w dream

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ALRIGHT LADS

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : TIME TO GET COOKING

 **Philza** : You don't even know how to cook

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : YET

 **technopig** : i don't want to do this

 **wolburscoot** : too bad stream demands it

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WE'RE GONNA BE SUFFERING FROM SUCCESS

 **Philza** : It's also 2 am we don't have to cook until like 6 hours from now

 **Philza** : Goodnight

 **BEES!** : goodnight!! :D

 **chilltiredbi** : this isn't fair

 **chilltiredbi** : there are 6 people on the dream team

 **chilltiredbi** : 5 on sleepybois

 **chilltiredbi** : and 7 for beautiful finn & the rest 

**chilltiredbi** : and then schlatt's on his own

 **niki♥** : i'll join will's team <3

 **megapvp** : i'll unjoin and supervise 

**gogy** : fair enough

**6:38 AM**

**dreamlmao** : i'm already at the school where u guys at

 **technopig** : technoplaning in

**8:02 AM**

**dreamlmao** : i've decided that we're going to be baking a cake and also cooking a meal for five

 **Philza** : Uh huh

 **wolburscoot** : i want to make steak

 **businessman** : i'm gonna make popcorn

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt that isn't a meal

 **businessman** : it is if you're a poor college student 90k in debt

 **wolburscoot** : fair enough

* * *

Schlatt went into this with a plan. He's always got a plan, when doesn't he have a plan? He grins at the camera pointed on him, spreading out his hands. "Welcome to Schlatt's cooking stream with _Cooking Mama!_ " He shouts, grinning even more. He's pretty sure he'll never regain feeling in his jaw, but whatever, worth it. "Today, we're gonna be cooking America's favourite," he whirls around, slamming a box of popcorn onto foods room table. God, he doesn't even know where the fuck the culinary teacher went. Dead, probably, if he thinks about it. "Popcorn!" Schlatt screams at the top of his lungs, trying his best to not laugh when he hears Wilbur scream back. 

"All praise the Queen!" Wilbur screeches, his voice echoing from the next room over. God, he's loud. "Queen! Queen! Queen! Queen! The Queen! Fuck! Yes! Queen!"

Schlatt turns back to the cameras, grinning even more. "Hi. I'm Schlatt. That's Cooking Mama," he points to an outline of Obama he brought with him, proudly beaming at the camera. He's gonna win this entire competition, he fuckin' knows it. There's absolutely no way he loses. He's got this in the bag. "Now, time for America's staple. Let's begin!"

* * *

Dream has never been angrier in his entire life. "Put the fucking butter down, Karl!" He shouts, swatting Karl's hand, sending the butter spiraling towards Eret. Eret shouts, barely managing to fumble it into his hands, nearly slipping on the wet floor. Why is the floor wet? Oh, right. Sapnap tried to drink fucking oil. "George!" Dream yells, grabbing Fundy by the shoulder, dragging him to the stove. "I swear to god, if you don't come back with that _fucking_ skillet, I'm going to fillet this goddamn furry!"

"You're gonna what?" Fundy squeaks, desperately scrambling away from his grip. "George! George, help, oh my god, he's gone fuckin' mad! He's gone crazy! He's gone nuts!" Eret laughs, a booming sound that echoes throughout the kitchen. "Eret! Help me, god, oh my god, please-"

"You'll be fine," Eret grins, flipping an egg over perfectly. "Don't worry, Fundy. We've got this," he flips another egg, balancing an entire plate of bacon in one of his hands, using the other to keep an eye on the pan. "How many eggs did you want, Dream?"

Dream wishes he had never had this idea. "All of them." Eret blinks. 

"Okay." And then he gets back to working, balancing the plate of discount Technoblade on the top of his head. 

Karl looks him dead in the eye when he holds up an egg. "Don't fucking do it." Karl does it. He crunches the egg, with the shell on, grinning as the yolk dribbles down the sides of his mouth. Dream is going to kill him. 

* * *

Bad was pretty sure he had better controlled friends before this stream. 

Skeppy throws his head back, emitting a feral screech that lingers way too long. Zelk reaches over, clamping his hand over Skeppy's mouth. Tapl leans on Spifey's shoulder, eyes closed, completely unaware to the awfulness around him. Bad wishes he could do that. Sadly, he's the only responsible one here, so he'll have to wait until he can zone out everything around him. He spares a look over at Finn, who's busy being threatened by Vurb, who's got a- why the..why does Vurb have a _knife_? 

"Toes! Toes!" Vurb screams, eyes huge, grinning like a madman. "Your toes are _mine_ , Finny-"

Skeppy's still screaming, but he's got Vurb held in his arms, bridal style. Bad sighs, quietly mixing the dry ingredients. "So today, we're going to be baking a cake!" He beams at the cameras, the screaming around him a familiar lull at this point. "First, what you want to do, is-"

" _Penis!_ " Sapnap howls from the room over. 

"Language!" Bad shouts back, wishing so badly that he had a way out of this situation. Bad sighs. Not like he can leave, even if he wanted to. "Anyways!" He claps his hands together, turning back to face the camera. "Ignore them!" He says it right as Finn dives at Vurb, tackling both him and Skeppy to the ground. Mega throws something vaguely knife-shaped from behind the camera, hitting the wall behind the sink. Bad hears Harvey scream, watching as Vurb locks his hand down around Tapl's ankle. Spifey shouts something, dives down to grab Vurb's hand. He only ends up hitting the ground, joining the pit of _awful_.

"Anyways," he picks up one of the knifes, leaning against his chin. "Time to get cooking."

* * *

Techno's a goddamn natural, and Phil doesn't know how he's supposed to feel about that. He watches as his son quietly stirs something, occasionally pausing to look up at the recipe he's got on his phone. Wilbur's completely stopped cooking to go yell at Schlatt on the other side of the room, mocking him for making popcorn. Tubbo's spilled every single thing he's been given so far, and Tommy's mostly just been shouting at him, eating things he's not supposed to, and dicking around on his phone.

Half of the room is covered in icing and batter, with two people screaming at each other, and then the other yelling at someone else. Techno works silently in the middle of it all, completely focused on the task at hand. Phil's shocked because Techno's got the worst attention span ever, and it doesn't help that his ADHD adds onto that. But right now, he's entirely focused on what he's doing, unbothered by the screaming in the room. 

Phil smiles, leaning back against the cabinet. 

Maybe they'll win this. 


	33. [businessman: told you i'd win]

**10:23 AM**

**dreamlmao** : so that was fucking bullshit 

**technopig** : agreed

 **F1NNxROSE** : also agreed 

**businessman** : told you i'd win

 **dreamlmao** : IT WASNT FUCKING FAIR

 **dreamlmao** : SAPNAP DRANK OIL. KARL ATE A FUCKING EGG AND IDK WHERE GEORGE WENT

 **dreamlmao** : I NEARLY MURDERED FUNDY

 **chilltiredbi** : to be fair i'd say my breakfast was pretty good

 **technopig** : you used my brothers to make it 

**chilltiredbi** : sorry about that :(

 **tehcnopig** : no you're not 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : BIG MAN TUBBO SPILLED EVERYTHING GIVEN TO HIM

 **Philza** : To be fair you kept just shoving shit in your mouth

 **Philza** : Like a toddler

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt and i had a nice conversation 

**NOTafurry** : that was the worst thing that has ever happened to me 

**karl** : i thought it was pretty funny ngl

 **sippycup** : dream kicked me out of the kitchen :(

 **dreamlmao** : YOU SPILLED OIL EVERYWHERE AFTER YOU TRIED TO FUCKING DRINK IT

 **karl** : it was lonely w/o you :(

 **sippycup** : let's kiss now

 **karl** : (kisses you)

 **sippycup** : karl i'm not roleplaying with you

 **karl** : :(

 **sippycup** : i want the real thing

 **karl** : got it i'll be right there 

**gogy** : i left to go lay down

 **badboyhello** : i didn't have a team D:

 **skippy** : WDYM

 **badboyhello** : ?? you were strangling vurb! 

**skippy** : WHO WOULDNT

 **zelk!** : that is a fair point 

**beaverbitch** : you all nearly killed harvey

 **tapltired** : i almost died 50 times 

**TOES** : finn is a big boy he couldve handled himself 

**F1NNxROSE** : i still did like watching skeppy tackle you

 **technopig** : i didn't really

 **technopig** : i was focused 

**BEES**!: i've nevr seen you so focussed!!

 **technopig** : perks of adhd

 **Philza** : Did Niki even show up

 **niki♥** : i did! :D

 **niki** ♥: ..and then i went to the library 

**tapltired** : how did everyone react to schlatt winning 

**businessman** : positively 

**wolburscoot** : they said that they thought us yelling was cute

 **businessman** : not until marriage

 **wolburscoot** : that's what i told them

 **megapvp** : everyone was entertained by beautiful finn & the rest 

**megapvp** : tommy is apparently a fan favourite 

**megapvp** : everyone likes tubbo

 **megapvp** : everyone is calling phil dad

 **Philza** : That already happens 

**megapvp** : and people think that eret is a king apparently 

**chilltiredbi** : POG!!!!

 **wolburscoot** : hey dream

 **dreamlmao** : yes wilbur 

**wolburscoot** : remember The War?

**2:03 PM**

**dreamlmao** : sorry i took a nap lmao

 **dreamlmao** : but sadly yeah

 **dreamlmao** : why did you know so much about politics when you were twelve 

**wolburscoot** : bc i was the president dream

 **wolburscoot** : i can't believe you tried to burn our country down

 **dreamlmao** : wilbur your country was a cardboard box with "L'MANBERG" scribbled on it in crayon 

**wolburscoot** : and your's was a cardboard box with "DREAM SMP" 

**dreamlmao** : fair enough

 **technopig** : oh the first war

 **Philza** : The first war was a fucking mess

 **wolburscoot** : and then schlatt

 **businessman** : yeah lmao sorry for throwing you out of your country 

**wolburscoot** : :(

 **businessman** : if it makes you feel better, youre hot

 **wolburscoot** : that does make me feel better thank you

 **technopig** : i can't believe you recruited tommy and tubbo to fight for you

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WE WON IN THE END THOUGH

 **Philza** : They were seven, they were old enough to fight in a war

 **BEES!** : ^^^^^

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I'M JUST THAT POGCHAMP

**3:09 PM**

**NOTafurry** : and then eret betrayed us 

**chilltiredbi** : sorry about that :(

 **chilltiredbi** : i did regret it 

**wolburscoot** : fair enough

 **wolburscoot** : i wanted to kill you when you did it ngl

 **wolburscoot** : i was enraged 

**technopig** : i was gonna beat you up

 **chilltiredbi** : oh dear god

 **dreamlmao** : it was so worth it

 **dreamlmao** : next war we have we should like use real swords

 **technopig** : agreed

 **Philza** : Oh my fuck

 **BEES!** : buzz saws ? :D

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : LET THE BIG MAN USE HIS SAWS

 **wolburscoot** : you weren't very happy when he used them to free us 

**wolburscoot** : speaking of 

**wolburscoot** : 10 bucks bet i can get my own head stuck out of the swingset 

**Philza** : Wilbur I fucking swear

 **technopig** : i'll send pictures


	34. [Philza: Good news doesn't actually exist]

**2:02 AM**

**karl** : do you guys wanna hear about survivor 

**sippycup** : literally talk about anything and i'll ruin my pants

 **dreamlmao** : sapnap what the fuck is wrong with you

 **dreamlmao** : go away

 **sippycup** : i'm just being supportive dream

 **dreamlmao** : you are being a PERV

 **dreamlmao** : there are CHILDREN. 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : I AM NOT ONE OF THEM

 **BEES!** : neither am i! :D

 **karl** : i just wanted to talk about survivor 

**wolburscoot** : tell me about survivor karl

 **gogy** : all of you stfu i'm watching harry potter

 **dreamlmao** : again

 **gogy** : tf you mean again this is the first time this month go away

 **gogy** : fuck off

 **sippycup** : your own boyfriend just told you to fuck off dream

 **sippycup** : how's that make you feel

 **dreamlmao** : he does this every day 

**dreamlmao** : it's like dealing with a cat

 **NOTafurry** : are you...dating a furry?

 **dreamlmao** : fundy for the last fucking time i'm not watching treasure planet with you

 **NOTafurry** : PLEASE ITS A REALLY GOOD MOVIE YOUD LIKE IT

**5:09 AM**

**Philza** : Good and bad news

 **Philza** : Good news doesn't actually exist 

**Philza** : Bad news is that they want volunteers to go babysit orphans and help out at the orphanage 

**technopig** : WHEN

 **technopig** : I WANT TO BABYSIT AT THE ORPHANAGE

 **Philza** : YOU DO NOT YOU JUST WANT TO TERRORIZE THEM

 **wolburscoot** : i'll go to supervise 

**Philza** : The only way I'm letting any of you go is if you go in packs of two

 **Philza** : So here are the packs

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : *groups

 **Philza** : Tommy if you do that again that man over there is going to take you (@TOES)

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : uIM SO RORYRUHY

 **Philza** : Anyways. @KILLEDAWOMAN and @BEES! you two are partners

 **Philza** : @wolburscoot & @niki♥ & @businessman 

**Philza** : @tapltired and @beaverbitch

 **Philza** : @karl and @sippycup

 **Philza** : @megapvp and @zelk! and also @TOES

 **Philza** : @badboyhello & @skippy

 **Philza** : @dreamlmao & @gogy

 **Philza** : @technopig & @NOTafurry

 **Philza** : @chilltiredbi & @F1NNxROSE

 **Philza** : I think that's it

 **chilltiredbi** : FINN!!!!

 **F1NNxROSE** : ERET!!

 **technopig** : why am i with the furry

 **NOTafurry** : IM NOT AUFKCING FURRTY

 **megapvp** : i guess that group is fine

 **megapvp** : i might not even go

 **badboyhello** : skepyy!!! we're together!! :D

 **skippy** : :D

 **tapltired** : ah, my arch nemesis, spifey

 **spifey** : :)

 **TOES** : ;)

 **TOES** : how alone will we be

 **Philza** : Probably like 50 minutes (maybe an hour and a half? idfk they tell me fuck all) of unsupervised work alone w the kids

 **Philza** : 5 minutes break wherever you want 

**Philza** : We'll group together after a bit

 **Philza** : Fundy if you let my son terrorize the orphans you will die 

**NOTafurry** : YES SIR

* * *

"And so, kids," Wilbur sighs, listening to Schlatt talk. "That's every single event that happened until the biggest one ever. The Triangle Shirtwais-"

" _No_ ," Wilbur tries his best not to shout, grabbing Schlatt by the arm. "You are not telling them about that. Let's talk about puzzles!" He beams, shifting to grab one of the boxes from his side. 

"Yay!" Niki grins, clearly picking up on the hint. "Puzzles!" She grabs another box, setting it in front of the children by her. There's probably about ten of them, and so far, they've been doing great. Wilbur sung a few songs for them, Niki taught them how to say butterfly in German. Hell, even Schlatt was entertaining them with stories about the stupidest shit alive. Wilbur was terrified, and then he let his guard down. Of course Schlatt noticed when he let his guard down. It was all an act up until this point. Wilbur can't believe he let himself get fooled by _Jschlatt._ "So this one is of a cat! Cat is katze in German." 

Schlatt looks at him with the saddest puppy-dog eyes Wilbur has ever seen. "You interrupted me." Schlatt pouts, leaning closer to him.

"If you keep this up," Wilbur leans towards him, whispering in his ear. "I'm going to tell these children that you're their father. And once they get real attached to you, I'm going to fucking murder you in front of them, and remake them into orphans, do you understand me?" Schlatt blinks at him, lip trembling. "Don't fucking smile at that, Schlatt."

Schlatt bursts out laughing, maniacally howling, cackling like the goddamn bastard he is. Wilbur sighs. This was not a good choice.

* * *

Eret grins as he stalks out of the bathroom, head held high. Finn trails out from behind him, carefully spotting him to make sure he doesn't fucking die. Eret's a goddamn natural, he decides. "Hello!" He beams at the kids, deciding that he might as well stand. Finn said that those boots should probably make him about six foot eight, if anything. "Who wants to hear a story?" 

"Me!" One of the kids grins, clapping his hands together. 

Finn ends up sitting down, crossing his legs as he grabs a book. He did up his makeup today - he looks good, Eret thinks. Eret also is fairly certain that _he_ looks good, since Finn did _his_ makeup. Admittedly, Finn wasn't entirely sure what he was doing, but he managed anyways, and it was _fucking cool_. It isn't much makeup, just a bit of eyeliner, lip gloss, and nail polish. But it's more than Eret has had in a while, so he's absolutely fucking buzzing. 

"Once upon a time," Finn reads. "There were two Kings who ruled a kingdom together. They were best friends, and they liked to switch places every now and then, since they looked nearly identical.." Eret smiles as Finn reads, beaming down at his boots. God, he loves them.

* * *

Fundy wishes he hadn't been the one partnered with Techno.

"You're blockin' _sucks_ , Ted!" Techno shouts, moving to position Ted's arms the way they're supposed to be. "I'm gonna just stab you next time." 

"You're on!" Ted grins, rushing forward. Techno moves back, blocking with his own sword when Ted strikes. Fundy never thought he'd see Technoblade, the _Blade_ , teach orphans how to fence, but it's happening. It's happening right in front of him, and dear god does he hate it so much. Ted's a natural, he's good at blocking, he's good at taunting, and he's got the same energy Techno does. Ted is also unbelievably tall for an eight year old, and he's got an even deeper voice. Once he grows up a bit, Fundy's fairly certain he'll be the exact same as Eret. "Come on, old man, you really gonna lose to an _orphan?_ "

Fundy decides that he likes Ted.

"I'm no old man," Techno taunts back at him. "I see why yo-"

"No!" Fundy shouts, interrupting before Techno can say whatever the fuck it was he was about to say. "Do _not_ , Techno."

"I'm just defendin' myself from insults!" Techno protests, blocking again. "I wasn't even gonna say anythin' bad."

"That's a fucking lie," Fundy mutters, crossing his arms as he locks eyes with Phil. He mouths a silent " _help_ ", and Phil just shakes his head, turning away. Oh, that fucker. "Ted, beat his ass." Fundy tells the kid, stalking off to go find literally anyone else. Techno'll be fine. 

* * *

Tapl hates this and he hates himself. He hates Phil, too, but not really. Of course Phil noticed, Phil notices literally everything and it _sucks_. Thank fucking god they were allowed a break. He stares down at his phone, facing burning. One of the kids asked if he and Spifey were dating, and Tapl said no so no questions would arise. Geo, the bastard he is, said yes, probably for the same reason. And then everything went to shit, and then Tapl left, and Spifey left, and now they're not talking and _holy fucking shit_.

"Harvey?"

 _Fuck_.

"Harvey, listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..I just thought that, you know. They wouldn't ask like, why, or-"

"I wanted you to say yes. I wanted to say yes," _fuck_. "I like you. I think. I don't fucking know, everyone-"

And now Spifey is right in front of him, and _oh they're kissing okay holy fucking shit this wasn't meant to go this way_.

It's only for a few seconds, it has to be, but it feels like it's ten years. "Holy shit." Tapl whispers. 

"Yeah," Spifey coughs, ducking his head. "That..was that what..we..were we on the same page?"

Tapl grins. "Yeah. We were on the same page." Spifey beams back at him.

"Date?"

"At the orphanage?" Spifey laughs so hard he turns red, his eyes watering. "I mean, I guess we already kissed and the orphanage, so I-"

Spifey kisses him again. "Shut up. They've got enough volunteers. Teach me how to kick your ass in UHC." Tapl grins, shoving him. 

"Got it, beaverboy. Let's go." 

And go they do.


	35. [technopig: i hate orphans]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also yes i made ted nivison an 8 year old orphan

**1:22 PM**

**wolburscoot** : HELP

 **businessman** : with what babe

 **wolburscoot** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

 **Philza** : Schlatt stop terrorizing the children

 **businessman** : IM NOT

 **technopig** : i hate orphans

 **technopig** : this one kid came real close to winning 

**dreamlmao** : which kid?

 **technopig** : ted

 **wolburscoot** : oh ted

 **NOTafurry** : i like ted

 **karl** : he called me short????

 **businessman** : we argue a lot 

**Philza** : Ted is interesting 

**NOTafurry** : techno almost said "i see why you're parents fucking left you" 

**Philza** : TECHNOBLADE

 **technopig** : I DIDNT

 **technopig** : DAD I SWEAR I DIDNT I PROMISE I DIDNT

 **Philza** : You better fucking not have jfc 

**niki♥** : i'm teaching the kids how to speak german! :D

 **wolburscoot** : me too :)

 **wolburscoot** : i'm bad at it huh

 **niki♥** : no!! you're getting really good

 **niki♥** : you said schmetterling really good!!

 **BEES!** : what does shcmeddling mean?

 **niki♥** : butterfly!

 **BEES!** : OOOH!!!!

 **BEES!** : WHAT IS BEES???

 **niki♥** : biene :)

 **BEES!** : BIENE!!!!!!!!!! :DDD

 **wolburscoot** : god they grow up so fast

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HOW DO YOU SAY SHIT

 **NOTafurry** : do not tell him

 **NOTafurry** : never tell him anything make him look it up on translate 

**NOTafurry** : i want to see what he comes up with 

**niki♥** : he called you a hairy once didn't he?

 **NOTafurry** : yeah lmao he was trying to call me a furry

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : THIS IS JUST NOT POG

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : TUBBO ASK NIKI HOW TO SAY SHIT

 **BEES!** : tommy i cant i learnt about bees in germen :D

 **zelk!** : mega is surprisingly good with kids

 **zelk!** : i think once they start getting personalities and thinking independently is when he gets angry

 **megapvp** : no i just fucking hate you guys

 **F1NNxROSE** : can i do a childs makeup

 **chilltiredbi** : I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN

 **chilltiredbi** : THE BOOTS ARE SO COOL!!!!!!

 **chilltiredbi** : I WANT MORE

 **F1NNxROSE** : phil this important 

**zelk!** : i've had to keep vurb away from the tinier children who are easily scared 

**zelk!** : why can't you be fucking normal vurb

 **TOES** : toes

 **zelk!** : that's exactly what i'm talking about vurb

 **TOES** : toes

 **badboyhello** : i..don't know where skeppy went o.O

 **badboyhello** : he said he was gonna go talk to phil and then he disappeared? o.o

 **skippy** : i am talking to phil

 **Philza** : He is, dw

 **badboyhello** : oh okay!! :D

* * *

Dream is fairly certain he's started to just fever dream all of this. 

Wilbur's busy singing to a group of kids, Niki and Schlatt are teaching another group about German and capitalism. Techno and Ted are back at it, with Techno giving the kid some helpful tips, joking about potatoes while they spar. Sapnap and Karl started rapping the alphabet about three minutes ago, and they're still on the letter G. Bad and Skeppy have finally reunited, which is..terrifying. It really is mostly just Skeppy terrorizing Bad and the children laughing about it. Dream's caught Mega smiling once or twice, his whiteboard covered in little doodles. He never thought Mega would be good with kids, but _wow_. Vurb lurks next to Zelk, laughing and making elaborate hand gestures. 

Dream's got no fucking clue where Tapl or Spifey went, but he's betting that they're making out behind the orphanage right now. Phil's busy talking to the other professors that came along to supervise, glancing back at Tommy and Tubbo. He's proud, Dream can tell. Tubbo's been mispronouncing the German word for bees ever since Niki told him what it was. Tommy..Dream's pretty sure he should step in. Tommy's been teaching the kids, the youngest, mostly, words like "pog", "big man", and also "fuck". Mostly pog, though. Dream's gonna have to deal with that eventually. Fundy disappeared to go watch _Treasure Planet_ with a group of third graders. Dream wonders if he should go, just so Fundy'll stop fucking asking him. Finn's busy reading a story, which is upside down, actually. Eret just smiles and laughs, occasionally making jokes to fit the mood, beaming at kids and helping them pronounce words. 

He smiles, watching as George tries to play some shitty version of hide and seek, ducking behind a counter. Of course he'd take this seriously. He can't let the kids win, even if they're fucking orphans and have nothing else to do. Dream sighs, but he can't keep that stupid smile off of his face. Today is good, he thinks. Today's good. 

* * *

**2:56 PM**

**dreamlmao** : that went so much better than i expected 

**technopig** : ted is going to reach the rest of the children to spar 

**technopig** : good

 **technopig** : it's exactly what i did back at the orphanage 

**Philza** : Techno I really wish I knew if you were lying or not

 **technopig** : :)

 **wolburscoot** : i remember just being tired

 **Philza** : You slept for 16 hours the day I picked you up Wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : god i wish i could do that now

 **Philza** : Fucking same

 **niki♥** : tubbo knows how to pronounce bees!!

 **BEES!** : :D

 **BEES!** : can you teaech me how to say i love bees? :D

 **niki♥** : of course <3

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : TEACH ME HOW TO SAY SHIT

 **NOTafurry** : paard 

**NOTafurry** : let's start easy 

**NOTafurry** : that means horse

 **NOTafurry** : will can't say that word

 **wolburscoot** : YES I CAN YOURE JUST AN ASSHOLE

 **NOTafurry** : HAHAHAHAHAHA

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I DONT NEED TO KNOW HOW TO SAY HORSE I WANT TO SAY SHIT

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HOW DO I SAY IM GONNA START STABBIN SHIT IN GERMAN

 **Philza** : Google translate it 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : NO

 **technopig** : can we go back to the orphanage i want to make ted my apprentice 

**dreamlmao** : APPRENTICE???

 **sippycup** : the kids LOVED me and karl spitting mad bars

 **dreamlmao** : sapnap you couldn't remember which letter came after g

 **karl** : he also couldn't remember what came after q

 **sippycup** : STFU I WASNT THINKING


	36. [technopig: tommy, however, was my first casualty today]

**2:22 PM**

**technopig** : father :)

 **Philza** : Oh Jesus fuck

 **technopig** : i have GREAT news

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FUCK YOU

 **Philza** : What've you done Techno

 **technopig** : well to be fair

 **technopig** : wilbur willingly stuck his head in the swing set

 **technopig** : tommy, however, was my first casualty today

 **BEES!** : NOOOOO

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING SLIDE

 **Philza** : ??? I've got no clue why you're complaining Tommy he could have done so much worse to you

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : IM STUCK

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ITS FOR THREE YEAR OLDS

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : IM TOO LONG

 **technopig** : it's true :)

 **technopig** : if he doesn't figure it out i think he might suffocate 

**Philza** : For fucks sake Techno

 **Philza** : You need to stop trying to kill Tommy

 **technopig** : but he makes it so easy

 **Philza** : I know

 **Philza** : Trust me, I know

 **Philza** : BUT YOU NEED TO STOP

 **technopig** : heheheehehee :)

 **technopig** : gonna technoplane the child 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : iH FUCJK

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HELP

 **wolburscoot** : tommy stfu it isn't even that bad

 **wolburscoot** : hi dad

 **Philza** : Hi Will

 **Philza** : You still in the swing set?

 **wolburscoot** : yes :(

 **wolburscoot** : i think i can get out though

 **NOTafurry** : technically phil, you could get rid of tommy

 **NOTafurry** : he's only 16 you can trade him in

 **Philza** : Fundy my son isn't a goddamn pokemon card 

**NOTafurry** : not with that attitude he isn't

 **dreamlmao** : send pics techno?

 **technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **technopig** : you can only see his legs

 **BEES!** : omw?

 **technopig** : nah

 **technopig** : i want to see them figure it out 

**businessman** : wilbur i'm gonna come over there and kiss you

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt do not make this worse for me 

**businessman** : :(

 **wolburscoot** : don't come near me 

**gogy** : what did you need to prove wilbur

 **gogy** : why did you do this

 **chilltiredbi** : he had to prove himself to himself

 **chilltiredbi** : i bet i could get out of that swingset pretty easily 

**Philza** : DO NOT TRY

* * *

Wilbur wriggles to the left a little, not feeling any leeway there. "Techno," he calls, wishing he was able to look over his shoulder. Techno has hit him like, fifty times by now, and he still doesn't know how to expect it. "Techno?" Tommy's screaming suddenly pitches, and Wilbur assumes that Techno's busy assaulting him. Wilbur sighs, staring at the wood chips in front of him. He still isn't entirely sure how the fuck Techno managed to shove Tommy down a slide made for children, but he isn't going to ask questions. Plus, it's Techno, he does whatever the hell he wants. He was behaved at the orphanage, and now he's gone back to being a fucking menace. Which Wilbur can't say much on, since _he's_ always a fucking menace, but at least he isn't as bad as Tommy. No one is as bad as Tommy. Thank god there's only one of him.

He shouts when he feels a hand collide with his back, annoyed that Techno snuck up on him _again_. "Yeah, Wilbur? What up?" Techno moves to stand in front of him, looking unimpressed. "You haven't made any progress. You kinda suck at this, Wilbur."

"Shut up," Wilbur glares up at him. "I want to steal the swing set."

"It's just because you can't get out of it."

"What?"

Techno grins. "You want to steal it, put it in our backyard, all while your head's still stuck in there. 'Cause you can't get out." Wilbur flips him off, tilting his head to the side. He can get out just fine.

"Fuck you." 

"I'm gonna go bully the child some more, then," Techno reaching out, flicking his nose. "Have fun!" And then he's gone, and then Tommy starts to scream again.

Wilbur sighs, hearing the crunch of wood chips in front of him, looks up, and..

"Hi, Wilbur," Eret beams at him, sitting directly in front of him. He's still got those stupid boots on. Wilbur has no clue how the fuck he walks in those. "I see Techno wasn't kidding. I could hear him from five blocks away." Wilbur snorts, closing his eyes for a brief second. He can trust Eret - Eret isn't going to beat him to death. Thank god Techno hasn't found an actual weapon yet. 

"He's loud, yeah," Wilbur agrees, shifting to the right. "Have any..like, oil? Grease?" Eret laughs, leaning back. 

"Nah, sorry. I'm just here for moral support."

"If you were actual moral support, you'd stick your head in the swingset, too."

Eret grins at him. "Wilbur, I've already escaped this swingset three years ago. I'm not going back."

* * *

**3:12 PM**

**chilltiredbi** : techno is rotating between beating wilbur and tormenting tommy

 **Philza** : Sigh

 **Philza** : I wish I could say I was surprised 

**wolburscoot** : eret is the worst moral support

 **technopig** : i mean he's been keepin me away from you so i'd say he's doing a good job

 **Philza** : Techno stop beating Wilbur

 **technopig** : i thirst for blood

 **Philza** : I know Techno

 **Philza** : But stop terrorizing your brothers

 **technopig** : including tommy?

 **Philza** : No terrorize him

 **Philza** : Just don't make him start to concern the neighbours 

**technopig** : the neighbours were never concerned 

**karl** : hey uh guys

 **sippycup** : what up bb

 **karl** : dream is on my roof and i'm scared

 **dreamlmao** : no i'm not

 **karl** : YES YOU ARE

 **dreamlmao** : shhh go back to your nap

 **karl** : HOW DID YOU KNOW IW AS NAPPING

 **gogy** : oh my god

 **gogy** : i look away from him for one fucking second and he's gone

 **gogy** : dream you absolute toddler 

**dreamlmao** : i got bored 

**dreamlmao** : i must get unbored 

**sippycup** : dream stop bullying karl

 **dreamlmao** : i'm not bullying him

 **dreamlmao** : not yet

 **karl** : HELP?????

 **F1NNxROSE** : you'll be fine dw

 **F1NNxROSE** : don't bother locking anything, he'll get in anyways 

**TOES** : just play home alone w him

 **TOES** : i did that once

 **dreamlmao** : and i still won

 **TOES** : i didn't expect you to drop down the chimney 

**dreamlmao** : always expect me to drop down the chimney 

**zelk!** : i think he broke into bad's house once

 **badboyhello** : he did :(

 **badboyhello** : he kicked down three doors and left with an entire jar of peanut butter because he didn't want to go to the store

 **dreamlmao** : i was craving peanut butter and you were nearby

 **badboyhello** : SO WAS THE STORE

 **dreamlmao** : no your place was 3 minutes away, the store was 4 minutes away

 **dreamlmao** : i do what i must to survive 


	37. [dreamlmao: yeah and i'm gonna fucking take your peanut butter if you keep that up]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would anyone be interested if i started posting updates/future story plans on my twitter or nah

**3:40**

**sippycup** : karl?

 **dreamlmao** : i am in

 **karl** : HELP

 **dreamlmao** : i'm not even doing anything to you

 **karl** : YOURE RAIDING MY FRIDGE

 **dreamlmao** : yeah and i'm gonna fucking take your peanut butter if you keep that up 

**karl** : :(

 **badboyhello** : just let him 

**badboyhello** : there isn't much that will stop him o.o

 **Philza** : Hi Wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : hi dad

 **Philza** : Still in the swingset?

 **wolburscoot** : yeah :(

 **chilltiredbi** : he's a little closer to getting out than he was a couple minutes back

 **chilltiredbi** : he's doing surprisingly well

 **chilltiredbi** : _[image sent]_

 **wolburscoot** : WHY CAN YOU SEE TOMMYS LETGHFGHJDFHGHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WTF

 **technopig** : HAHAHAHAHHA

 **technopig** : i need to find the axe i had 

**wolburscoot** : ERET PLEASE KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME IF HE GETS THAT

 **chilltiredbi** : shhh i'm omw back

 **gogy** : he's never going to get free

 **technopig** : tommy? yeah he's stuck

 **technopig** : wilbur is slightly smarter than tommy but not by much so i have very little faith

 **sippycup** : karl im omw to save you

 **dreamlmao** : he doesn't need saving he's just watching me from the couch

 **karl** : WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

 **karl** : THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO

 **BEES!** : true

 **businessman** : hey dre

 **dreamlmao** : yes 

**businessman** : i am adding a real man to this gc 

**dreamlmao** : whomst 

**businessman** has added **BIGQ** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **businessman** : the man the myth the legend 

**BIGQ** : what the fuck

 **BIGQ** : i just wanted to make dinner wh y am i here

 **chilltiredbi** : ??? it's 3 pm

 **wolburscoot** : let the man eat when he wants to

 **BIGQ** : thank you wi

 **BIGQ** : wilbur?

 **wolburscoot** : that is me yes

 **businessman** : everyone has a very self explanatory name 

**businessman** : dream is playing manhunt w karl

 **dreamlmao** : nah it isn't manhunt 

**BIGQ** : remember the manhunt w the cops man

 **BIGQ** : that was my favourite day

 **BIGQ** : what should i have for dinner

 **chilltiredbi** : wilbur suggested sand

 **chilltiredbi** : techno suggested dirt/grass

 **chilltiredbi** : tommy suggested children

 **BIGQ** : ,

 **BIGQ** : uhhh no 

**4:53 PM**

**BIGQ** : i still don't know what to make for dinner

 **chilltiredbi** : tacos?

 **chilltiredbi** : i have some taco bell gift cards

 **BIGQ** : from where?

 **chilltiredbi** : i dont want to talk about it

 **karl** : he's still here :(

 **sippycup** : i'm still omw dw

 **karl** : you said that an hour ago

 **sippycup** : yeah i got distracted 

**wolburscoot** : tommy has stopped screaming

 **technopig** : he's alive 

**technopig** : here listen

 **wolburscoot** : hJHGSHJHDGHOK YEAH HES DEFINITELY ALIVE

 **Philza** : Jfc

 **Philza** : Oh my fuck can you three be normal for 

**Philza** : Y'know what @BEES!

 **BEES!** : ?

 **Philza** : Get them out

 **BEES!** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **NOTafurry** : OH I WANNA SEE THAT

 **wolburscoot** : nO

 **wolburscoot** : PLEASE DEAE GDI NO IM SO GLOCE TO GETUNG OUT

 **skippy** : hehehe

 **skippy** : iven veer goent mty head ruck in a swingmet 

**skippy** : im jsut that coool

 **wolburscoot** : this was via choice fuck you

 **BEES!** : OMW :D

**5:22 PM**

**Philza** : Update me

 **BEES!** : still working! :D

 **NOTafurry** : this is the best day of my life

 **NOTafurry** : i've never heard or seen tommy scream so much before

 **NOTafurry** : this is the loudest sound my ears have ever heard 

**wolburscoot** : the loudest sound my ears have ever heard is the fucking buzz saw next to them


	38. [chilltiredbi: i'll put wilbur back in the swingset if you want me to tubbo <3]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao everyone should follow me @ItIsJoshBro over on twitter i will be posting updates on stories there :D

**6:03 PM**

**wolburscoot** : freed

 **chilltiredbi** : tommy, however, is not

 **technopig** : i'm havin too much fun to let him out

 **Philza** : Techno let your brother out of the goddamn slide 

**technopig** : but dad 

**Philza** : No

 **Philza** : Let Tommy out of the slide

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : YEAH YOU TELL HIM DAD

 **Philza** : Tommy stfu you do not help when you talk

 **BEES!** : i wanna use my buzz saw more :)

 **chilltiredbi** : i'll put wilbur back in the swingset if you want me to tubbo <3

 **BEES!** : REALY?

 **wolburscoot** : NO?????

 **wolburscoot** : YOURE IN HEELS YOU CANT CATCH ME

 **chilltiredbi** : one: they're called boots

 **chilltiredbi** : two: yes i can

 **businessman** : send pics 

**businessman** : as hot as wilbur is i think it's funny when he gets tackled to the ground 

**wolburscoot** : YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

 **businessman** : ly :)

 **wolburscoot** : DIE

 **technopig** : TECHNOPLANE VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HELP

 **BEES!** : can i buzz saw the slide phil? :D

 **Philza** : Absolutely not 

**Philza** : Get that "AWWWW" factor in make Techno stop harassing Tommy 

**BEES!** : ok! :D

 **technopig** : not gonna work father

 **technopig** : i only experience joy when i see a small animal 

**dreamlmao** : like patches

 **technopig** : like patches

 **technopig** : and like floof 

**technopig** : i love floof 

**Philza** : Techno whenever you say "potatoes" he has a visceral reaction 

**Philza** : You've conditioned him to be terrified 

**technopig** : no he supports me and my potatoes 

**technopig** : he's my only moral support 

**chilltiredbi** : do you want more of a head start wilbur 

**BIGQ** : i still don't know what the fuck i'm gonna have for dinner 

**chilltiredbi** : i still have those gift cards

 **BIGQ** : how much are they each?

 **chilltiredbi** : $10

 **chilltiredbi** : i have 1000 of them

 **BIGQ** : WHAT

 **BIGQ** : WHY????

 **chilltiredbi** : i don't want to talk about it 

* * *

Eret pockets his phone, standing still for another couple of minutes. "Technoplane!" Techno shouts, and Eret hears a thud, a shriek, and another thud. He sighs, shifting from side to side. He can see Wilbur from where he's standing, just a block or two away from him. Eret can catch up in less than a minute, he's fairly certain. Boots or not, he's _fast_ , and he's had enough time to watch Dream do his manhunts to understand what he's supposed to do. Admittedly, he's never outran the police for nearly a day and a half, but he _has_ chased and tackled George, Sapnap, Schlatt, Techno, Tommy, Fundy, and Karl before, so he's sure he'll be fine. 

**me** : are you ready wilbur?

 **wolburscoot** : yes 

Eret grins, shoving his phone back in his pocket. He starts to run. He isn't entirely sure how he managed to figure out the boots so quickly, but he managed, and he's not going to let it go to waste. He hears Wilbur shriek when he realizes that _Eret is on his fucking way_ , watches as he starts to dart down the next street. Eret grins, weaving past a trash bin, sprinting around a tree and a car. "Wilbur!" He calls, taking the longest strides he possibly can. "C'mere, Wilbur! I just wanna talk!"

"No!" Wilbur screams, looking back with fear in his eyes. This, Eret things, was the best idea he's had in a long time. "Get the fuck away from me! How the fuck are you running in those?"

"It isn't hard!" Eret laughs. Really, it isn't. It's all about balance, and Eret is _very_ well-balanced. It doesn't help that he might be a tad bit competitive, and that definitely adds onto his wanting to catch Wilbur. "I'm right behind you!" Eret calls, reaching his arms out-

* * *

**6:10**

**chilltiredbi** : he's been caught

 **chilltiredbi** : _[image sent]_

 **chilltiredbi** : and he really thought i wouldn't be able to catch him

 **technopig** : not gonna lie 

**technopig** : i am impressed 

**Philza** : Those are five inch heels Eret 

**chilltiredbi** : boots

 **chilltiredbi** : :)

 **NOTafurry** : beat his ass eret

 **NOTafurry** : he called me a furry today

 **chilltiredbi** : we'll i'm taking him back to the swingset 

**wolburscoot** : NO YOURE NOT

 **dreamlmao** : god eret i'm so proud of you

 **dreamlmao** : you're doing really well in manhunt 

**chilltiredbi** : why thank you

 **badboyhello** : the real secret is to just never ever let dream get out of your sight 0.0

 **badboyhello** : once he's gone everything is not gonna go well from there on out O.o

 **sippycup** : easier said than done

 **sippycup** : i had a fucking hold on him and he nearly shoved me into the road

 **dreamlmao** : well i had to get away somehow 

**gogy** : sapnap he pushed me down a fucking mountain

 **sippycup** : HE ALMOST SHOVED ME IN FRONT OF A TRAIN

 **gogy** : ??? HE PUSHED ME DOWN TWO MOUNTAINS

 **badboyhello** : he also did the same to me '><

**badboyhello** : i think manhunt with dream is just a bad idea in general D:

 **dreamlmao** : then stop manhunting me

 **dreamlmao** : i wouldn't have to kill you if you stopped HUNTING ME DOWN LIKE I WAS A FERAL ANIMAL

 **karl** : he is STILL in my house

 **dreamlmao** : yeah we're gonna watch airbud 

**karl** : ??? airbud??

 **dreamlmao** : basketball dog :)


	39. [karl: everytime airbud ends i just hear "play it again." from the darkness]

**3:08 AM**

**gogy** : karl

 **karl** : we've watched airbud nine times george

 **karl** : i don't even know where he is 

**karl** : everytime airbud ends i just hear "play it again." from the darkness 

**karl** : so i do

 **dreamlmao** : god you are so overdramatic 

**dreamlmao** : i'm on the kitchen table atm

 **dreamlmao** : here i'll flash blind you

 **karl** : AAUSUYAYUG

 **sippycup** : dream get off my mans

 **dreamlmao** : husband him up then sapnap

 **dreamlmao** : if you don't i will

 **NOTafurry** : ......

 **gogy** : ......

 **wolburscoot** : ......

 **dreamlmao** : listen i get around 

**dreamlmao** : but gogy official <3

 **gogy** : yeah i'd fuckin expect so

 **dreamlmao** : ily2 

**gogy** : no

 **NOTafurry** : WE WERE ENGAGED??????

 **dreamlmao** : WE STILL ARE?????

 **wolburscoot** : WE WENT ON A PIZZA HUT DATE???

 **dreamlmao** : wilbur you don't have to keep that bit up

 **dreamlmao** : everyone knows i made you watch airbud 

**wolburscoot** : :(

 **wolburscoot** : take me on a pizza hut date

 **chilltiredbi** : tubbo?

 **BEES!** : ?

 **chilltiredbi** : tommy, techno, slide?

 **BEES!** : okay! tired, entaced 

**technopig** : orphan gang back at house 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : I CANT FUCKING FEEL MY LEGS

 **technopig** : shhh you're bein over dramatic 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : TECHNO YOU KEPT ME IN THAT SLIDE FOR THREE HOURS???????

 **technopig** : yeah and you're lucky i let you out 

**Philza** : Oh my fuck

 **Philza** : Ok listen

 **Philza** : Pumpkin time tomorrow, family bonding, let's do it 

**wolburscoot** : IM GONN WIN

 **businessman** : my heart

 **BIGQ** : what 

**9:22 AM**

**BIGQ** : uhhh are we at father's house

 **BIGQ** : also do i have to bring my own pumpkin

 **BIGQ** : i need specifics man 

**TOES** : we split off into teams

 **TOES** : and yes we are at DADZA'S house

 **TOES** : currently it is beautiful finn & the rest, dreamteam + eret & karl, sleepbois + tubbo + niki + fundy, and schlatt 

**BIGQ** : i guess i'll join schlatt

 **businessman** : BIG MAN Q AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 **businessman** : we will wait for you

* * *

Niki quietly tunes out the screaming, reaching for a smaller knife. She knew that getting all of her friends together in one room was _not_ going to go well, and she was right. Niki has always been right, she's never been wrong once in her life. Not when it comes to her friends. It's eerily similar to the cooking stream, with Schlatt and Wilbur screaming at each other, Tommy holding a pumpkin above Tubbo's head, and Fundy desperately trying to figure out how to gut his pumpkin. George and Sapnap have been arguing for the past ten minutes, with Eret silently gutting his own pumpkin. Niki's got no idea where Karl went, but she sees Dream perched on top of Phil's fridge, staring at..someone. She isn't entirely sure who. 

Bad's got Skeppy in a headlock, with Spifey and Finn shouting at each other. Tapl and Zelk are the only two who have actually started to carve, and both of their pumpkins are turning out fairly well, which is nice. Vurb and Mega are at a standoff on different sides of the table, knives pointed at each other. Niki isn't sure why they started to fight, but honestly, she isn't surprised. She's never been surprised. She's learnt to funnel her disappointment into energy.

Techno is gone, she hasn't seen him yet. Quackity is taking after Fundy, sloppily draining his pumpkin and..oh, of course he's popping the seeds into his mouth. Niki watches as his smug looks turns to shock, horror, and then disgust. And then he's gone, racing off to the trashcan on the other side of the island. Niki rolls her eyes, reaching for a candle. She's fairly certain that Dream has the lighter, which is definitely not the best for any of them. 

Niki sighs, reaching for the packet of matches on the table. She lights one, lighting the candle. She sets the candle in the pumpkin, watching as it glows, illuminating the features. Niki grins. 

Yeah. She's won.

* * *

Zelk swats Tapl's hand, making sure to position the knife away from it when he does so. "Listen, Harvey, you're doing it w-"

"I'm doing it right!" Tapl protests, pointing at the hollowed out pumpkin. " _You're_ doing it wrong! It isn't even empty, what are you fucking doing?" 

" _I'm_ doing it the _right_ way!" Zelk glares at him, pointing the knife at his face. "I can and will use this on you, Tapl. I'll murder you." 

"You won't," he glares at him, turning back to grab his own knife. "I'm busy leading the _team_ , Zelk. Have you even seen Mega and Vurb recently? They're at each other's throats, Zelk. And Spifey," Zelk pretends not to notice the way Tapl's face goes all bright and soft from the name. "He's busy assaulting Finn and getting his ass kicked. Bad and Skeppy, I..honestly, no fucking clue. But they're doing something." 

Zelk sighs. "Listen, we have to win this."

"We _will_ , if you let me do my thing!" Tapl scowls at him. "I've got this, Zelk. I'm a master at pumpkin carving." 

They are going to lose _so_ badly. 

* * *

Quackity has never felt more disappointment in his entire life. 

He gags, willing the taste of pumpkin guts to finally leave his mouth. "And you know what they call me? The Pumpking!" Schlatt shouts, probably yelling at Wilbur. Why wouldn't he be yelling at Wilbur? Quackity sighs, drooping his head over the trash, wishing he had stayed home. "I'm the goddamn Pumpking, and what are you? Nothing! You- you know what? I'm the _Pimpking!_ " 

Quackity made a mistake joining Schlatt's team. He knows that now, really, he fucking knows. But it really was his only option. No way he'd be partnered up with Dream, who's on the fucking _fridge,_ or Wilbur, who's..he doesn't know what the fuck Wilbur is doing. Bad is clearly struggling to hold a knife in his right hand in Skeppy's _fucking head in the left_ , but he's managing. Quackity does a quick scan of who's catching up to him, spotting both Zelk and Tapl doing well. Eret and Niki are.. _Niki is done, what the fuck?_ Whatever, he can't deal with that now. However..he could definitely get rid of three people without anyone noticing. 

To be fair, he thinks. 

Eret is tall. Eret is very tall, and even though he's finally taken off those fucking heels, he's still very tall and very fast and Quackity would fucking die if Eret chased him down. Zelk and Tapl are a duo, but he can probably split them off. And, by the looks of it, Zelk is about to literally stab Tapl, so all he really has to worry about is Eret. Maybe he can start talking about Taco Bell and send him into a comatose state. 

Quackity sighs. 

So many bad choices have led him to this moment in his life.


	40. [tapltired: you literally started a mutiny]

**11:22 AM**

**karl** : i filmed all of that :)

 **wolburscoot** : you WHAT

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WH

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : DID YOU STREAM IT

 **karl** : yes

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WAS I THE WINNER

 **karl** : everyone agreed niki won

 **niki** ♥: aww <333

 **BIGQ** : i think i won

 **tapltired** : you literally started a mutiny 

**BIGQ** : i do what i must

 **businessman** : i, for one, was proud

 **dreamlmao** : fridge comfy 

**gogy** : god

 **gogy** : sapnap dragged me off to help him steal a pumpkin from the neighbours 

**dreamlmao** : but we had pumpkins

 **gogy** : dream sapnap literally went outside and drop kicked his pumpkin

 **sippycup** : well i didn't like the design 

**sippycup** : i messed up

 **gogy** : THAT DOESNT MEAN YOU FUCKIJNGN DROPKCIK IT

 **dreamlmao** : karl where did you film

 **dreamlmao** : i kept an eye on everyone

 **badboyhello** : his stare was very unnerving o.o

 **TOES** : how the hell did you manage to keep zak in a headlock for so long

 **badboyhello** : :D

 **skippy** : RYUDUE

 **beaverbitch** : it was awful

 **F1NNxROSE** : i thought it was hilarious 

**F1NNxROSE** : my pumpkin turned out very good 

**beaverbitch** : you didn't have a pumpkin

 **F1NNxROSE** : i still did better than vurb

 **megapvp** : i carved vurb

 **TOES** : yeah he stabbed me

 **Philza** : When?

 **Philza** : I didn't even notice 

**Philza** : I've become so accustomed to screaming that I didn't notice 

**megapvp** : around an hour ago

 **TOES** : i nearly bled out

 **megapvp** : stfu i only hit your arm

 **TOES** : YEAH W A KNIFE

 **tapltired** : zelk doesn't know how to carve pumpkins 

**zelk!** : oh screw off

 **zelk!** : you did so poorly 

**tapltired** : i did NOT

 **beaverbitch** : i think he did good

 **TOES** : you're biased

 **beaverbitch** : shh

 **tapltired** : simp

 **skippy** : SIIIIIIIIIMp

 **TOES** : SAYS YOU OF ALL PEOPLE

 **chilltiredbi** : techno where did you even go?

 **technopig** : home

 **chilltiredbi** : we were in your home

 **technopig** : not that one

 **wolburscoot** : did you go see fruit

 **technopig** : yes

 **Philza** : I could just dr

 **Philza** : Did you take my car

 **technopig** : technoplane 

**BEES!** : tommmmmy :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHAT

 **BEES!** : you almost killed me with a pumpken 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : big man if i wanted you dead you'd be dead

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : i am A STRONG MAN

 **wolburscoot** : didn't you get stuck in a slide for three hours

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FuCK YOU

**2:55 PM**

**karl** : i still hear airbud echoing in my head

 **dreamlmao** : i can come back over to watch it some more

 **karl** : please no

 **dreamlmao** : i say we have a movie marathon

 **NOTafurry** : HGZFHGHG MOVIE NMAJRUA????

 **NOTafurry** : ILL SET IT UO RIGHGW

 **wolburscoot** : it's literally just gonna be treasure planet 

**NOTafurry** : IUFHGDHJSHDGFDH TRRASURE PLANET

 **BEES!** : i want to watch trasure planennt :D

 **NOTafurry** : OH WE'LL WATCHTREASUREPLANENT

 **technopig** : i am not going to movie night

 **technopig** : busy

 **Philza** : Techno you're going to movie night

 **technopig** : father please 

**technopig** : allow me mercy

 **Philza** : No lmao

**4:28 PM**

**dreamlmao** : i've got good and bad news

 **gogy** : oh no

 **dreamlmao** : so we're having a dodgeball competition 

**wolburscoot** : what's the good news

 **dreamlmao** : that was the good news

 **dreamlmao** : well it's all bad news for you

 **dreamlmao** : tell them techno

 **technopig** : there are teams

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : OH NO

 **technopig** : :) 

**dreamlmao** : technoblade and dream have arrived :)


	41. [wolburscoot: you dramatic fucks]

**10:30 AM**

**dreamlmao** : 30 minutes

 **wolburscoot** : stop reminding me

 **technopig** : technoplane

 **dreamlmao** : we have a GREAT entrance planned 

**wolburscoot** : you dramatic fucks 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : AM I ALLOWED TO BE THERE

 **Philza** : Might as well bring the kids

 **Philza** : Yes Tommy

 **Philza** : That also includes you Tubbo

 **BEES!** : i love dodge ball!! 

**wolburscoot** : you're not going to love it after this

 **wolburscoot** : i used to love dodgeball too

 **karl** : i am not going

 **sippycup** : yes you are

 **karl** : sapnap please it's just going to be a funeral

 **sippycup** : it's gonna be hilarious 

**dreamlmao** : i'll target karl if you don't protect your mans sapnap

 **sippycup** : karl i do love you however i am not risking my life and honour 

**karl** : no its ok i understand

 **technopig** : dre

 **dreamlmao** : ok ok i get it

**10:53 AM**

**wolburscoot** : you're fucking kidding me 

**wolburscoot** : _[image sent]_

 **wolburscoot** : he's flyinng

 **Philza** : Oh yeah he made real wings

 **Philza** : It was fucking terrifying 

**Philza** : He's been working on it for about 20 days now 

**wolburscoot** : HOW THE FUCK IS HE FLYING?????????

 **Philza** : I've just learnt to accept it at this point 

**dreamlmao** : LOOK WHOS WITH HIM BITCH

 **wolburscoot** : dream did you steal georges scooter

 **dreamlmao** : permanently borrowed 

**gogy** : i am not going to dodgeball

 **dreamlmao** : yes you are

 **NOTafurry** : they put me in charge of the music lmao

 **chilltiredbi** : oh no

 **chilltiredbi** : what did you choose to repeat?

 **NOTafurry** : it's a mixture of the icarly theme song and the nice guy ballad 

**wolburscoot** : FUDNY IM GONNA GET KICKED OUT THEYLL RECOGNISE MY VOICE

 **NOTafurry** : worth it

* * *

Fundy is many things. 

He is a not a liar (for the most part). 

Fundy holds his head high as he struts down the hallway, grinning as he walks to the beat of Wilbur's music. He can hear Wilbur from the gym already, screaming profanities and cursing him out. Fundy picks up a few Dutch words, which isn't surprising. _"THAT LITTLE FUCKING FOX BITCH"_ is particularly said in angry Dutch, which Fundy can respect. He pushes open the gym doors, grinning when Wilbur snaps his head towards him, fury blazing in his eyes. 

"Hi, Will."

"You're fucking dead." Wilbur whispers.

Fundy realizes that he isn't joking when he starts to sprint at him. He screams, racing through the bleachers of the gym, scrambling up to the top of them as fast as he can. _Fuck_.

* * *

And so it begins. 

The teams are as follows; 

Dream, Techno, Tubbo, and Tommy.. Sapnap, George, Karl, and Vurb. Wilbur, Fundy, Niki, and Eret. Bad, Skeppy, Finn, and Mega. Spifey, Tapl, Zelk, and Quackity. Schlatt and..a very large, life-sized cutout of Obama. To be fair, Dream thinks, it's everyone versus him, Techno, the child, and Tubbo. So, more like two teams. 

But he can pretend like they actually listened to the fucking rules. 

"Wait!" Fundy shouts. "Wait, the- I've got- I'm..more people?" Dream blinks at him. More people. 

"Names?" He asks, tilting his head to the side. 

"Fruit-"

"Fruit?" Techno's eyes light up, grinning.

"Yes, Fruit," Fundy sighs. "Ranboo, HBomb, Minx, Gamerboy.." Fundy frowns. "Gamerboy80? What kind of fucking name is that?" Dream looks over at Techno, who seems very unnerved by that name. 

Dream frowns. "You know him?" He whispers, leaning a little closer.

"He's better at dodgeball than I am."

"He's not better than me," Dream assures him, patting his friend's arm. "Who else? Or is that it?"

"Awesome might be here," Fundy shrugs. "And I think..Burren and Michael might come. Oh, and Boffy! You two should know him," Fundy points at Tommy and Tubbo, beaming. "He's gonna beat your guys' asses." 

Dream snorts. _Sure_.

* * *

Boffy is ready for murder. 

Tubbo had texted him, asking if he wanted to come to some college dodgeball game. Of course he said yes, mostly because he knew he'd win. Sure, Dream and Techno were competing, but that means _nothing_. In terms of skill, murder, and the act of committing murder, Boffy's convinced he'll win. And if he doesn't, he'll be in the top three at the very least. He pushes open the gym doors, wincing when he hears screaming coming from the speakers. He glances up the bleachers, watching as ginger (Fundy, he's pretty sure) scrambles up the stairs, desperately trying to escape a much taller man. 

"Boffy!" Tubbo beams, racing up to him. "Hi! I'm glad you made it, are you feeling good? Ready to play some dodgeball?" Boffy rolls his eyes, slipping off his jacket, wrapping it around his waist.

"Yeah," he assures him. "I'm gonna fucking win, too." 

Tubbo grins, tilting his head back a bit. "That's a good attitude. Tommy, where's HBomb? You said he'd be here by now!" And then Tubbo's racing off, which is fine. Boffy smiles a little more, leaning against the wall as he waits for the game to start.

He's going to win.

* * *

Ranboo isn't sure how he got himself into this situation, but he'll deal with that later.

He stalks into the gym, grinning when he hears Wilbur's song. He knows Wilbur through Techno, and he knows Techno via hunting him down about three months ago. He spots a couple of people he doesn't know, which is mostly everyone. Well, he does _know_ them. Ranboo knows names and faces, but he doesn't personally know them. Which is fine, he's not here to make friends. He's here to win. Ranboo isn't entirely sure if Dream wanted to set up a cash prize for whoever won, but there's no way he's going to slip it up if there actually is one. He's thankful to be one of the taller people here, figuring that'll give him some intimidation points. 

"Ranboo," Techno greets, holding out his hand. Formal, Ranboo thinks. He shakes hands with his soon-to-be enemy, smiling politely. "I'm gonna destroy you."

"I don't think so," Ranboo beams. "I think I'll win." 

"Confidence is futile." Techno tells him, releasing his hand as he disappears somewhere. 

Eerie.

* * *

Fruit arrives about three minutes late, but that's fine. 

He's got a trap in mind.

* * *

Vurb is the first one out. He gets _destroyed_ by Bad, who's dodging and weaving and..how the fuck is he so good at that? When did he learn how to do this?

Karl is the second out, with Sapnap following. Niki goes down next, with Finn and Zelk following. Techno takes down both Spifey and Tapl, leaping over a ball sent by Boffy. 

Dream takes out George, hitting Fundy next.

Wilbur tries his best to target Schlatt, but the giant fucking cutout of Obama is making it harder than it should be. Wilbur manages to take out Tommy, then Tubbo. He hits Mega as well, quietly thankful that he didn't bring any knives. 

Schlatt takes out Skeppy when he isn't looking, and he manages to get rid of HBomb a second later. 

Fruit downs both Ranboo and Wilbur, targeting Gamerboy next. He knows Gamerboy, they're decent friends, he'd say. However, right now, he's a threat. Threats are to be taken care of. 

Boffy finally gets rid of Bad after faking him out twice in a row, whirling around to take down someone named Minx half a heartbeat later. He keeps tabs on who's still alive - Dream, Techno, Fruit, Gamerboy, him, Burren, Michael, Eret, Schlatt, and Quackity. Boffy hits Quackity right as he turns, planning on getting rid of Schlatt and his stupid cutout of Obama.

Fruit cuts down Gamerboy and Burren, hitting Michael a second later. He dodges a ball from Eret, moving to throw a ball at Boffy. He sees the ball coming towards him faster than he can move, heaving a sigh. Well, he made it to the top six or so. Fruit blinks, staring down at Techno. 

"You're still in, _move!_ " Techno shouts, sitting down and staring at him with pure hope in his eyes. "Stop throwin', Fruit!" Fruit grins, moving away from his fallen friend. He hits Boffy in the back, narrowly avoiding another ball from Eret. He hits Eret next, staring at the two left. Schlatt and Dream. Fruit watches a ball roll directly in front of him, turning to mouth a thank you in Techno's direction. He charges Schlatt, racing past him as he kicks the Obama cutout to the ground. As soon as his only defense is gone. Fruit gets rid of his competition. 

Dream stares at Fruit. Techno fucking _threw_ for that man. If Dream wins, Techno is never going to team up with him again. If he loses, he'll be the public disappointment of the entire school. Dream breathes out, closing his eyes for half a second. He can hear everyone cheering, Wilbur's stupid ass song blaring in his ears. 

He tightens his grip on the ball, takes a step back, and-


	42. [technopig: SENSEI]

He feels the ball hit his arm, and he watches his own ball hit the wall. He missed.

Fruit did not. 

Dream grins, the disappointment of not winning quickly flashing by, replaced with sportsmanship and happiness. "Good game!" He beams, taking Fruit's hand to shake, nodding respectfully. "You did really well. I can't believe Techno threw for you!"

"Sensei!" Techno, ever on cue, shouts, rushing up from the ground to tackle Fruit. "Get wrecked, green boy!"

"I only lost because you threw for Fruit!" Dream counters, shoving Techno to the side. "Good job, everyone!" He turns to face the crowd of his friends, wishing he could say he's surprised. Schlatt's managed to lure Tubbo in, showing off his Obama cutout. Wilbur is on top of Fundy, and he's nearly certain that he's strangling him. Tommy and Boffy are together, which is concerning, and he spots Ranboo talking to GB about something. He watches as Vurb tackles Zelk to the ground, and..yeah, he isn't surprised. 

Dream smiles, starting the trek back home. 

Good game.

* * *

**2:03 PM**

**dreamlmao** has added **gb80** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **BEES!** has added **boffy** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **technopig** has added **fruit** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **technopig** : SENSEI

 **fruit** : hello my friend 

**technopig** : i am very pleased that you won

 **fruit** : as am i 

**boffy** : where the h

 **boffy** : ah

 **boffy** : no

 **boffy** has left **GAMER RAGE**

 **BEES!** : D:

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HE'LL BE BACK BIG T THEY ALWAYS ARE

 **wolburscoot** : i think it was unfair that schlatt survived as long as he did

 **businessman** : obama & i never lose

 **businessman** : he's my main man

 **niki♥** has added **ANGRY** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **ANGRY** : WHAT THE FUCK

 **niki♥** : hi minx! <3

 **ANGRY** : OH HELLO

 **ANGRY** : please dear god tell me the bitch isnt here

 **wolburscoot** : dw minx, schlatt only has eyes for me 

**gb80** : techno

 **technopig** : yes

 **gb80** : bedwars :)

 **technopig** : please dear god not again

 **gb80** : now 

**technopig** : hybHHHHHDM

 **Philza** : He has trauma from bedwars

 **Philza** : I've never heard him scream so loud before

 **Philza** : He was just rocking back and forth and going "subscribe to Technoblade" more than usual

 **technopig** : I WAS NOT

 **fruit** : it's ok techno you can be upset

 **technopig** : SEE FRUIT SAYS IT'S OKAY

 **Philza** : Techno I am your father

 **fruit** : i'm sort of like a mentor

 **fruit** : close enough to a paternal figure 

**wolburscoot** : he never shuts the fuck up about you

 **wolburscoot** : it's concerning 

**fruit** : good :)

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : BAD NEWS

 **BEES!** : ??

 **ANGRY** : ah fuck what did the child do now

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : CULINARY

 **wolburscoot** : WHO LET HIM IN THE COOKING CLASS WITHOIUT SUPERVISION


	43. [gb80: this is my first time talking to tommy and it's turning out great]

**2:05 PM**

**fruit** : explain what is bad with culinary

 **technopig** : FIRE

 **wolburscoot** : DEATH

 **Philza** : SO MANY BAD THINGS

 **dreamlmao** : @gogy @karl @sippycup @chilltiredbi GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS

 **chilltiredbi** : OMW

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : HE L P

 **BEES!** : THE COLLAGES???

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : YES

 **BEES!** : COMEING

 **gb80** : what 

**gb80** : i want to see the damage done

 **fruit** : same ngl

 **gb80** : this is my first time talking to tommy and it's turning out great

 **ANGRY** : HES A LOUD CHILD THAT SAYS FUCK A LOT

 **gb80** : so basically you 

**ANGRY** : VAGUELY 

**NOTafurry** : hey uhhhh i'm still hooked up to comms 

**NOTafurry** : do i need to issue a warning

 **wolburscoot** : WEVERYONE STAY AWAY FROM THE COKING ROOMS

 **ANGRY** : THE WHATS

 **dreamlmao** : THE COKE ROOMS

 **dreamlmao** : DRUG DEN

 **BIGQ** : DRUG CARTEL FT TOMMY & I

 **businessman** : so long as obama is alright i'm not all that worried 

**chilltiredbi** : THE COLLEGE IS OING TO BURN D OWN

 **businessman** : at least i don't have to go to fucking CHILD DEVELOPMENT

 **tapltired** : _[image sent]_

 **tapltired** : is that smoke

 **beaverbitch** : oh no

 **beaverbitch** : i hear the screaming

 **skippy** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **badboyhello** : I AM ON MY WAY !!! O.O

 **BEES!** : OH NO

 **BEES!** : BAD BAD ABD BAD JNO GOOD

 **dreamlmao** : ??? PICTURES TUBBO

 **BEES!** : _[image sent]_

 **dreamlmao** : OH FUCKIUGH

 **Philza** : HOW DOES HE MANAGE TO DO THIS

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I JUST WANTEDNTO MAKE MAC N CHEESE

 **wolburscoot** : ????? HOW DO YOU FUCK UP MAC N CHEESE THAT BADLY

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I DONT FUCKIGN KNOW IT JUST HAPPENED

* * *

Karl hasn't spent the most time with Tommy, but when he saw the text, his blood ran cold. 

He knows enough about Tommy to know that _culinary_ is the worst possible thing that could ever happen. He rushes past professors and students, nearly running into half of them. "Culinary! Tommy!" He shouts, figuring that'll get them to move. 

And it does.

Which is concerning, he decides, but useful.

Whatever. 

Karl keeps running, slamming open the doors to the next wing over. "Dream!" He shouts, spotting the man in front of him. He races to get to his side, slowing his pace to a jog. "Where's everyone else?"

"No clue," Dream's chest is rising way too fast. "I came from my house, oh my god," he gasps. "I haven't ran that far in so long." Karl nods, closing his eyes for half a second. He came from his dorm, which is around fifteen minutes away from the actual college itself, let alone the left-most wing. 

"Yeah," he agrees. "Who let him in there? I thought he was banned."

"He was," Dream scoffs. "He must have slipped past the guards. I made sure to tell Mr. Beast-"

"-Jimmy?"

"Yeah, Jimmy. He's..he stays over there, that's where part of his dorm is. Fuck if I know," he shrugs. "But anyways. I told him to _never_ let Tommy be alone around that area, but the little shit probably snuck in."

Karl pauses. " _Guards?_ "

"Karl," Dream sighs. "I take this _very_ seriously. Last time Tommy was let into the kitchen, he almost burnt down the entire building. I literally mean that, he nearly killed himself and everyone else in the process, and I've still got no fucking clue how." Karl nods, feeling a little more nervous.

"That doesn't help me calm down."

Dream grins at him. "There's no such thing as being calm when you deal with Tommy in culinary, Karl."

* * *

**2:16 PM**

**dreamlmao** : problem has been taken care of 

**karl** : IT HAS NOT BEEN

 **dreamlmao** : shhh the child is out of culinary that's all that matters

 **wolburscoot** : ???

 **technopig** : why is there still a fire

 **dreamlmao** : i'm waiting for eret to get here w the fire extinguishers 

**dreamlmao** : until then, marshmallows 


	44. [KILLEDAWOMAN: I APOLOGIZE FOR MY ACTIONS]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [minx | ANGRY  
> gamerboy | gb80  
> fruit | fruit  
> ranboo | walmart techno  
> boffy | boffy]

**2:30 PM**

**dreamlmao** : eret i swear if i have to call the fire department because you're fucking late

 **chilltiredbi** : dream i am literally getting all of the fire extinguishers i can calm down

 **dreamlmao** : WE ONLY NEED ONE

 **karl** : WE NEED MULTIPLE

 **dreamlmao** : NOT IF YOU USE IT RIGHT

 **karl** : THERES TOO MUCH FIRE

 **technopig** : i'm just disappointed 

**wolburscoot** : we know

 **Philza** : Tommy

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ...

 **Philza** : Tommy

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I APOLOGIZE FOR MY ACTIONS

 **Philza** : I'm letting Techno put you back in the slide

 **Philza** : Bad children go in the slide

 **technopig** : OH?

 **Philza** : Yes

 **businessman** : GET HIM OUTTA HERE

 **ANGRY** : THE SLIDE????

 **wolburscoot** : yeah techno shoved him in a slide for about three hours

 **ANGRY** : WHAT

 **ANGRY** : how 

**wolburscoot** : force

 **technopig** : :)

 **technopig** : he just got stuck

 **technopig** : i just didn't help him

 **Philza** : You terrorized him for three hours

 **technopig** : was i supposed to not do that 

**chilltiredbi** : brought

 **karl** : oh thank god 

**chilltiredbi** : i got thirty 

**BEES!** : what if the rest of the collage neads them? 

**chilltiredbi** : they don't need them as badly as we do right now 

**gb80** : this is the best day of my life

 **fruit** : gb the college almost burnt down

 **gb80** : yeah but i don't go to this college

 **gb80** : so i've got nothing to worry about

 **fruit** : fair enough i suppose 

**badboyhello** : do you guys still need help??? 0.0

 **skippy** : i dragegged burb nd zlekk oit to he,p

 **TOES** : ah yes burb and zlekk

 **zelk!** : changing my name to zlekk

 **sippycup** : i think eret literally took every single extinguisher 

**gogy** : ^^^ i can't find any

 **chilltiredbi** : i am always prepared 

**gogy** : FOR THIS???

 **chilltiredbi** : after the first time? yeah

 **chilltiredbi** : _[image sent]_

 **chilltiredbi** : he really is just eating marshmallows 

**3:23**

**Philza** : I'm assuming you dealt with the problem 

**technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **technopig** : yeah he's back in the slide 

**karl** : the fire is also taken care of

 **sippycup** : well sort of

 **karl** : the big fire is fine

 **sippycup** : there is a campfire though

 **Philza** : Honestly that's more than I expected 

**Philza** : Father is proud 

**wolburscoot** : are you proud of me please say yes

 **Philza** : I am proud of you Wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : HTIS IS THE BEST DYA OF MY LFIE

 **BEES!** : :DDD

 **chilltiredbi** : this could have gone better

 **chilltiredbi** : wait it can get better

 **chilltiredbi** has added **walmart techno** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **technopig** : walmart WHAT

 **walmart techno** : ranboo

 **walmart techno** : i'm here for the clout?

 **dreamlmao** : oh i've got plenty 

**sippycup** : don't listen to him ever

 **BEES!** has added **boffy** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **boffy** : i said no

 **boffy** has left **GAMER RAGE**


	45. [Philza: CHASE AFTER THAT FUCKING BUS RN]

**4:40 PM**

**wolburscoot** : father

 **Philza** : Son

 **wolburscoot** : bad news

 **Philza** : Oh no

 **wolburscoot** : i've completely lost track of schlatt 

**Philza** : ????

 **wolburscoot** : and he's on a trip to the preschool rn 

**Philza** : WHAT

 **Philza** : CHASE AFTER THAT FUCKING BUS RN

 **wolburscoot** : I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE

 **wolburscoot** : HELP

 **dreamlmao** : i think karl is with him

 **karl** : i'm not on the same bus

 **karl** : i'm on the second one

 **karl** : he's on the first

 **karl** : we're already basically here

 **dreamlmao** : is mr beast w you

 **karl** : his name is jimmy

 **dreamlmao** : that's what i said

 **sippycup** : i think that he is yeah

 **sippycup** : im not technically in cd but i went anyways

 **sippycup** : i didnt feel like taking my geology test

 **gogy** : ?? you aren't even in geology 

**gogy** : how do you have a test in geology 

**sippycup** : oh i don't have geology

 **sippycup** : finn does

 **F1NNxROSE** : i fucking HATE YOU

 **sippycup** : LMAO SUCK IT

 **F1NNxROSE** : I SKIP FOR THREE FUCKING MINUTES AND YOU JUST DONT

 **F1NNxROSE** : i'm failing your goddamn tech class

 **sippycup** : wait finn no thats part of my major 

**TOES** : ??? failing?

 **TOES** : i'm good at that

 **TOES** : it's called: turn nothing in

 **tapltired** : ^^^

 **Philza** : DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK

**5:02 PM**

**businessman** : wilbur it's just rude that you think that i'd ever do anything to the preschoolers

 **karl** : he nearly dropkicked one

 **businessman** : karl be quiet

 **karl** : he talked about the triangle shirtwaist factory fire

 **businessman** : karl shut up

 **karl** : he started speaking french???

 **businessman** : i wasn't allowed to swear in english

 **BIGQ** : i hated that

 **BIGQ** : one of the little shits clung onto me

 **wolburscoot** : quackity they are preschoolers what you expect 

**BIGQ** : to not be clung onto

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ????? HELP???????

 **Philza** : Tommy this is your punishment for nearly burning down the college 

**technopig** : oh dw dad he's goin nowhere 

**technopig** : technoplane :)

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : NOT AGAIN

**5:31 PM**

**ANGRY** : how long is the child staying in the slide

 **technopig** : forever

 **Philza** : Another hour probably

 **technopig** : not if i get my way

 **Philza** : Techno I will literally come over there with floof

 **technopig** : FLOOF?

 **Philza** : Yes

 **technopig** : maybe i'll let him out in another hour

 **gb80** : marshmallows were good

 **fruit** : they were

 **dreamlmao** : i make bomb ass marshmallows 

**sippycup** : no you dont

 **dreamlmao** : yes i do

 **gogy** : sapnap your marshmallows are literally just flames

 **sippycup** : the only correct way to eat them

 **fruit** : ?? no 

**fruit** : toasted slightly but not burnt 

**gb80** : idk man i like mine crispy 

**dreamlmao** : cromchny isn't my style for marshmallows 

**wolburscoot** : depends on how i feel

 **gb80** : cromchny?

 **dreamlmao** : like egg


	46. [walmart techno: on the run???]

**5:40 PM**

**technopig** : child has been released 

**technopig** : i want floof now 

**Philza** : He's on his way

 **technopig** : this is the best day of my life

 **wolburscoot** : i think i left my phone case in the forest

 **dreamlmao** : it's been like a month and you've just now noticed

 **wolburscoot** : i'm tired okay

 **wolburscoot** : i don't know where i left it 

**chilltiredbi** : you were probably on the run from techno & dream

 **wolburscoot** : fuck

 **wolburscoot** : someone come w?

 **walmart techno** : ...forest?

 **walmart techno** : on the run???

 **dreamlmao** : yeah we found axes

 **dreamlmao** : it fun :)

 **gogy** : it was not

 **gogy** : you stole my phone like 40 times

 **dreamlmao** : i did what i had to do 

**sippycup** : basically ranboo

 **sippycup** : i went to walmart 

**sippycup** : and that's all you need to know

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : THERE WAS A BEAR AT SOME POINT APPARENTLY

 **NOTafurry** : i got lost 

**chilltiredbi** : i built a house

 **wolburscoot** : schlatt tried holding my hand out in the forest

 **businessman** : i got technoplaned at some point

 **BEES!** : i took a nap!! :D

 **chilltiredbi** : and then he got a sugar rush and tried murdering tommy

 **businessman** : big crime

 **skippy** : geo nealrly scluahgted me 

**beaverbitch** : i didn't even strangle you idk what you're on about 

**tapltired** : i got mauled

 **TOES** : by me :)

 **TOES** : i do what i must for toes, tapl 

**tapltired** : STOP

 **F1NNxROSE** : my phone died halfway through the trip but 

**F1NNxROSE** : bad and skeppy kept flirting in the corner, spifey & tapl wouldn't stop flirting, zelk and mega were fighting the entire time, and vurb was being vurb

 **walmart** **techno** : v...vurb??

 **F1NNxROSE** : the toe guy

**7:12 PM**

**dreamlmao** : are you in the forest wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : not yet

 **wolburscoot** : i don't want to go alone

 **gogy** : what are you scared

 **dreamlmao** : ^^^^^^

 **wolburscoot** : no it'll be easier with two people to find my case

 **Philza** : You could just buy a new one

 **wolburscoot** : no

 **Philza** : Fair, I'd do the same

 **wolburscoot** : come with me?

 **Philza** : Nah

 **Philza** : Busy

 **wolburscoot** : doing WHAT

 **Philza** : Design 

**dreamlmao** : sigh

 **dreamlmao** : i'll come with you

 **chilltiredbi** : make fundy go

 **NOTafurry** : why???

 **NOTafurry** : i just want to take a Nap

 **chilltiredbi** : that's exactly why you're going

 **NOTafurry** : god fine whatever

**1:01 AM**

**NOTafurry** : when are we going??

 **wolburscoot** : now i suppose

 **dreamlmao** : sure

 **dreamlmao** : wait guys

 **wolburscoot** : hm

 **dreamlmao** : wanna go ghost hunting?


	47. [NOTafurry: this is a search and rescue not a bring and lose]

**2:02 AM**

**dreamlmao** : i have arrived 

**wolburscoot** : i brought smth w me 

**NOTafurry** : ??

 **NOTafurry** : this is a search and rescue not a bring and lose 

**wolburscoot** : well i'm not going to lose this

 **dreamlmao** : where are you two

 **dreamlmao** : here i'll start screaming

 **NOTafurry** : _[image sent]_

 **NOTafurry** : hey guys uhhh i think theres a raccoon following me

 **wolburscoot** : OOGA BOOGA????? I HEAR THE OOGA BOOGA-ING

 **dreamlmao** : echolocation 

**2:05 AM**

**wolburscoot** : bad news

 **wolburscoot** : dream is leading us on a murder trail

 **dreamlmao** : come on we have to be spooky 

**dreamlmao** : i brought a camera for found footage and everything 

**NOTafurry** : i hate this so much

 **NOTafurry** : this is just dumb

 **NOTafurry** : there's no way we'll find the fucking phone case

 **wolburscoot** : not with that attitude 

**technopig** : wilbur if you die do i get your room

 **wolburscoot** : no fuck you

 **technopig** : :(

* * *

Fundy sighs. 

Wilbur brought a fucking spirit box, or whatever the hell it's called. Dream isn't even in his normal green hoodie - it's black, this time. Fundy's entirely prepared for agony, pranks, and misfortune. He absolutely should not have decided to come, this is fucking bullshit. 

"Okay," Wilbur beams at him, eyes twinkling in the dark. "I want to talk to ghosts."

"Ghosts aren't real," Dream tells them, very helpfully. He sounds _way_ too happy. That's never a good sign. "Come on, demons!" He laughs, clapping his hands together. "Scratch me! Eat me! Tear my heart of my chest! Tear Fundy's heart out of _his_ chest!"

"Don't drag me into your shit!" Fundy swats at his arm, scowling when the bastard just laughs even more. "Will, put the goddamn box away. Ghosts are real, and we've got this son of a bitch," he furiously gestures to Dream, "with us. We'll get possessed and die out here." 

Wilbur giggles, turning on the spirit box. God, it's loud. "We all die someday, Fundy."

"That doesn't mean it has to be today!"

* * *

"I'm Wilbur. That's Fundy, that's Dream."

"Can you say hello?"

"Can you say your name?"

"Can you say our names back?"

"Can you-"

Dream groans, throwing his hands up in the air. "Dude, _shut up_ already. Ghosts aren't real."

"They just don't like Wilbur," Fundy mutters. "This is ridiculous. You aren't even looking for your phone case, you're ju-"

 _"Hello."_

Wilbur blinks. "You heard that, right?" Dream frowns, turning to face him. "Dream, you..Fundy, you heard that too, didn't you?"

"I guess.." Dream shrugs. "It flips through radio channels, right? Every channel says hello, it's how radio _works_ , Wilbur. It isn't-"

_"Wilbur."_

"It said my name," Wilbur whispers. "It.."

"It definitely did," Fundy agrees, frowning. "What the fuck?"

_"Fundy."_

Fundy's eyes go huge. "No. Nope, no fucking way. Uh-uh, turn it off. Get it out of here, we're fucking done. No. We're going, right now."

Dream laughs, clapping his hands together. "Guys, _come_ on. We just got here, and we still haven't found Wilbur's phone case. We aren't leaving now," he grins. "I'm not, at least. You two can go where..you know what?" He snorts. "I'll go on my own. You two can stick together. This is all just bullshit and you _know_ it." 

"What? No!" Wilbur reaches out, grabbing him by the arm. "We have to stick together, that's the number one rule in horror movies, Dream." 

"This isn't a horror movie, Wilbur."

"Not yet!" Fundy scoffs. "Listen..this isn't..I'm gonna go," he grabs Wilbur's arm. "Come on, Will. Leave him, crazy son of a bitch is enjoying this."

* * *

Dream fucking _loves_ this. Those goddamn ventriloquist skills _finally_ paid off. He knew they would! He knew that they'd be worth it eventually, and goddamn was he right. " _Wilbur!_ " He shouts, lowering his voice as much as he can. " _Oh, Fundy?_ " 

"Will! Fucking go! Stop looking, we need to- we need to get out of here, Jesus Christ!"

" _Ohhh, Wilbur! I'm coming for you, Wilbur!_ " 

"Move!"

Dream giggles, covering his mouth with his hand. God, they're so stupid.

* * *

**2:32 AM**

**dreamlmao** : update: they left me

 **NOTafurry** : TYHER ARE GGOiSTS AND SHIT

 **dreamlmao** : ggoists and shit, yeah

 **dreamlmao** : pussy

 **wolburscoot** : i'm not sticking around to get haunted

 **dreamlmao** : i am

 **dreamlmao** : i'm gonna make the best found footage literally ever

 **wolburscoot** : just come back to the car dream

 **dreamlmao** : no i'm gonna find your phone case

 **wolburscoot** : ITS OK I CAN BUY A NEW ONE

 **dreamlmao** : nahhhh i'm gonna find it 

* * *

Wilbur hates this. He scrolls through his phone, refusing to look up. "Fundy."

"Yeah?" 

"We're going to die."

"Yeah," Fundy agrees. "It's whatever. Hopefully the demon gets the green bastard first." 

Wilbur snorts, smiling a little. "I'm not happy about this, Fundy."

"We could always just drive. Not like he came with us."

"I guess.." Wilbur sighs. "But do we leave him beh-"

 _"Ohhh, Wilbur. I know you're here, Wilbur. Fundy? Where are you..I saw you..I hear you..who are you leaving behind? Why would you leave him behind? He just wants to help. I just want to help, Wilbur_."

Wilbur pretends like he doesn't hear it.

Fundy screams.

* * *

Dream is losing his fucking shit, this is the _best day of his entire life_.

"Wilbur?" He asks in his normal voice, approaching the car. "Wh- woah!" He laughs when Wilbur jumps out of his skin, shaking. "What, did the ghost get you?" Dream wheezes, leaning on the car. "I found your phone case," he holds it out, letting Wilbur take it. "We can go now. Why'd you turn the spirit box off?"

"The ghost doesn't need it to talk," Wilbur explains, closing his eyes. "It.."

" _It what?_ "

"That!" Fundy shouts. "It does that! Dream, get in your fucking car, we- we need to go, right now! We have to fucking go, now! Will, go! Go!" 

Dream watches as Wilbur slams his foot down on the gas, immediately tearing out of the camping grounds. Pussy. 

Dream laughs, though. He moves over to his car, hopping in. 

He wonders if Wilbur will notice that the spirit box is gone.


	48. [tapltired: i tripped him once and he latched onto my leg]

**4:02 AM**

**sippycup** : you guys are such wimps

 **sippycup** : it's halloween, wilbur shoot brings a spirit box, he shits himself

 **sippycup** : unsurprised

 **gogy** : like you'd have done better

 **F1NNxROSE** : i'm glad we didn't go to a haunted house this year

 **F1NNxROSE** : it's about time we broke tradition

 **dreamlmao** : what are you scared of haunted houses

 **F1NNxROSE** : no but i always manage to get partnered up with vurb

 **gogy** : fair enough

 **TOES** : you have to outrun me AND the monsters 

**tapltired** : i tripped him once and he latched onto my leg

 **beaverbitch** : we've all done that before dw

 **beaverbitch** : he has a surprisingly strong grip

 **wolburscoot** : today was the worst night of my life

 **NOTafurry** : YOU FUCKIN THINK

 **wolburscoot** : i hate that forest

 **dreamlmao** : did you leave the spirit box?

 **wolburscoot** : what

 **dreamlmao** : it wasn't in the car

 **NOTafurry** : .

 **NOTafurry** : will

 **wolburscoot** : i'm gonna go cry 

**Philza** : Go bother Floof, he'll let you cry on him

 **technopig** : no one touches floof except me

 **technopig** : he is mine

 **technopig** : my dog

 **technopig** : i'll murder anyone who gets close to him

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : PHILZA MINECRAFT 

**Philza** : You could literally just say dad or Phil

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : PHILZA MINECRAFT

 **Philza** : What do you want child

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I CANNOT FEEL MY LIMBS

 **Philza** : Which ones

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ALL

 **Philza** : Not sure how that's my problem

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ???? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME PHILZA MINECRAFT

 **Philza** : Very easily

**4:20 AM**

**sippycup** : ayyy

**6:02 AM**

**dreamlmao** : i dont feel like going to college today

 **chilltiredbi** : then don't

 **Philza** : Dream you WILL go to school and you WILL do your homework

 **dreamlmao** : you're awfully convincing 

**wolburscoot** : i haven't slept since the forest

 **NOTafurry** : neither have i

 **dreamlmao** : i slept perfectly fine

 **wolburscoot** : i hate you

 **dreamlmao** : find the spirit box?

 **wolburscoot** : i'm going to cry again dream

 **dreamlmao** : cry, soot boy, cry

 **technopig** : father

 **Philza** : Yes

 **technopig** : i want to start a farm

 **Philza** : Then start a farm

 **technopig** : i want to start the farm at the school

 **Philza** : Do not

 **technopig** : potatoes :)

**8:29 AM**

**chilltiredbi** : _[image sent]_

 **chilltiredbi** : hi phil

 **chilltiredbi** : any reason techno has a shovel?

 **Philza** : Oh that little shit 

**9:34 AM**

**technopig** : i have begun

 **Philza** : Not on my watch you little shit

 **technopig** : don't make me technoplane you

 **Philza** : I invented Technoplaning, I'll Philzaplane you

**10:26 AM**

**technopig** : help

 **technopig** : i hear father stomping

 **Philza** : You can't hide up there forever

 **dreamlmao** : where even is he

 **gogy** : do i even want to know

 **badboyhello** : o.o

 **badboyhello** : where'd he go?

 **wolburscoot** : i hear barking

 **dreamlmao** : that's fundy dw

 **NOTafurry** : FUCK OFF

 **Philza** : He's on top of the 

**Philza** : You know the little balance beams on the top of the gym?

 **Philza** : Son of a bitch scaled those and is peering down at me like a goddamn raccoon

 **wolburscoot** : DID YOUBKNOW RACCOON IS LAUNDRY BEAR IN DUTCH AND GERMAN:???????????

 **NOTafurry** : :)

 **niki♥** : :D

 **wolburscoot** : i love laundry bears so much

 **Philza** : Your brother is kinning laundry bears right now 

**11:23 AM**

**technopig** : i kin no one except myself

 **dreamlmao** : i thought you kinned god

 **technopig** : did i stutter


	49. [wolburscoot: OOOOOH HE USED YOUR FULL NAME YOURE IN TROOOOOOUUUUUBLEEEEEE]

**11:30 AM**

**Philza** : Techno I'm gonna give you five minutes to get down from there

 **technopig** : no

 **Philza** : Technoblade

 **wolburscoot** : OOOOOH HE USED YOUR FULL NAME YOURE IN TROOOOOOUUUUUBLEEEEEE

 **Philza** : WILBUR SOOT YOU'RE GONNA BE NEXT IF YOU KEEP THAT UP

 **wolburscoot** : AUUHF SORRY FATHER

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : OMEGALUL

 **Philza** : TommyInnit

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I APOLOGIZE PLEASE DO NOT PUT ME IN THE SLIDE AGAIN

 **dreamlmao** : all you have to do is threaten floof

 **technopig** : .

 **dreamlmao** : i'm gonna go pet floof

 **dreamlmao** : if you want to stop me you're gonna have to come down from the ceiling 

**technopig** : i'm going to cut your hands off and feed them to you

 **dreamlmao** : yeah yeah whatever

 **sippycup** : i wanna see floof

 **dreamlmao** : no fuck off this is my time to shine 

**gogy** : you always shine

 **gogy** : you're like the world's worst glitter trap

 **dreamlmao** : you know it babe ;)

 **gogy** : don't talk to me in public 

**dreamlmao** : ily2 <3

 **gogy** : i hate you significantly less than everyone else here

 **technopig** : dream

 **technopig** : you're going to die

 **dreamlmao** : whatever you say, bacon boy

 **ANGRY** : what the fuck is floof

 **dreamlmao** : dog

 **technopig** : my only friend

 **fruit** : :(

 **technopig** : sensei you're different

 **tapltired** : :(

 **technopig** : i don't dislike you either tapl

 **tapltired** : :)

 **fruit** : fair enough

 **fruit** : all you have to do is drop on him

 **technopig** : no i'll definitely die if i do that

 **Philza** : Techno I'm getting the wings

 **technopig** : the whats

 **Philza** : You heard me

 **wolburscoot** : what are the wings

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WINGS OBVIOUSLY

 **wolburscoot** : shut up child

 **Philza** : Wilbur I want you to stand guard

 **wolburscoot** : dad he'll just beat me up

 **Philza** : I can follow the trail of blood 

**12:12 AM**

**Philza** : Wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : still alive

 **wolburscoot** : he's staring at me

 **wolburscoot** : he hasn't blinked once

 **wolburscoot** : i'm scared

 **wolburscoot** : father he's smiling

 **wolburscoot** : o hmy god

 **wolburscoot** : oH y mY GOD

 **wolburscoot** : gAGHSG

 **wolburscoot** : :)

 **Philza** : Techno

 **Philza** : I swear

 **wolburscoot** : techno's still on the ceiling 

**wolburscoot** : promise

 **Philza** : Did you knock him out

 **wolburscoot** : honestly i'm not sure

 **technopig** : i gave him his phone back 

**technopig** : actually no i want to keep it 

**wolburscoot** : :)

 **wolburscoot** : why the hell is is background a picture of 

**wolburscoot** : nvm

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ?????

 **BEES!** : WHAT IS IT????

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ^^^^^ WHAT THE BIG MAN ASKED

 **technopig** : nothing important

 **technopig** : anyways

 **dreamlmao** : _[image sent]_

 **dreamlmao** : seems like you left a window open

 **technopig** : .

 **technopig** : you're a dead man walking

**12:38 AM**

**Philza** : Alright you little shits

 **Philza** : I'm at the house

 **Philza** : Floof is guarded 

**Philza** : Techno. We are not farming

 **technopig** : i think we are

 **technopig** : but i have to kick dream's ass first

 **dreamlmao** : ok bacon boy

 **dreamlmao** : i'm gone

 **chilltiredbi** : he's in the men's bathroom on top of three stalls

 **walmart** **techno** : on THREE????

 **chilltiredbi** : one leg is on one

 **chilltiredbi** : torso is on the other

 **chilltiredbi** : other leg is on the last

 **chilltiredbi** : splits

 **technopig** : which bathroom

 **chilltirebi** : The Bathroom

 **technopig** : omw

**1:09 PM**

**technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **technopig** : explain why there are 73 chairs in front of The Bathroom

 **chilltiredbi** : w

 **chilltiredbi** : i cannot get out

 **dreamlmao** : :)

 **dreamlmao** : i have my ways

 **karl** : his ways = sapnap 

**sippycup** : hey i work for no one

 **sippycup** : i just like fucking shit up

 **sippycup** : also arson

 **karl** : i know

 **sippycup** : i like you

 **karl** : thank you

 **karl** : i also like you

 **dreamlmao** : god stop flirting 

**BEES!** : this is deffo flerting

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : this is deffo flerting

 **wolburscoot** : i swear to god if i have to move these chairs by myself

 **wolburscoot** : wrong phone

 **technopig** : listen here green bastard

 **dreamlmao** : listening

 **technopig** : i am going to get in there

 **dreamlmao** : you forgot about the vents

 **chilltiredbi** : oh no

 **chilltiredbi** : dream

 **dreamlmao** : :)


	50. [chilltiredbi: how many chairs are you at]

**1:13 PM**

**chilltiredbi** : how many chairs are you at

 **technopig** : 56

 **dreamlmao** : better hurry up bacon boy

 **dreamlmao** : i'm already gone

 **chilltiredbi** : can confirm he's in the vents

* * *

Eret sighs, leaning up against the wall of the bathroom. _The Bathroom_. "How many chairs left?" 

A pause.

"Twenty," Techno replies, and Eret hears the movement of him throwing another chair towards the wall. "It'd be useful if you got out here and helped me."

"Techno," Eret sighs, closing his eyes. "The handle is stuck. I cannot leave this place even if I wanted to, which I do. It's.." he cracks open an eye, staring back at Dream. He's upside down, dangling out of the vent.

"It's what?"

"Unfortunate," Eret continues, watching as Dream grins at him before he disappears again. "I didn't ask for Dream to come here. I just wanted some peace and quiet, and-"

Techno scoffs. "So you went to the place Wilbur almost drowned at?"

"Yes," he confirms. "Figured, if I was lucky, it might happen to me," Eret still doesn't know how the fuck Wilbur almost _drowned_ here. At the same time, it's _Wilbur_ , and Eret's expectations are extremely low. Especially after the swing set incident. "What's his phone background of?" He swears he hears Techno smiling. 

"It's a picture of Tommy sleepin'," he starts. "Wilbur's holdin' a knife above his chest. It's hilarious, I'll show you once I get through the last few chairs." 

Eret nods, glancing back at the vent. He doesn't see anything, which is surprising. "Do you know where the vents lead?"

"The one goes to the gym. Depends on if you take a right or not. If you go to the left, it goes to the other bathroom."

Eret isn't surprised.

* * *

**1:24 PM**

**technopig** : i'm in the vents green bastard

 **dreamlmao** : about time

 **dreamlmao** : i was getting bored 

**technopig** : you're a dead man

 **Philza** : Get the fuck out of the vents 

**Philza** : I swear to god I'll come in there with a hose and turn it to pressure wash

 **technopig** : dad please no 

**wolburscoot** : not again

 **Philza** : Stop using Wilbur's phone

 **Philza** : He's the only one I like right now

 **Philza** : And that's entirely because he's not awake

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME BIG MAN

 **Philza** : If you stopped calling me Philza Minecraft I'd like you more

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : BUT YOU ARE PHILZA MINECRAFT

 **Philza** : Keep that shit up and I'm putting you back in the slide

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : OH GOD NOT AGAIN

 **technopig** : i smell your stench, green man

 **dreamlmao** : oh techno

 **dreamlmao** : you haven't smelled nothing yet

* * *

Dream grins as he fiddles with the axe spray bomb in his hands, the clothespin already tight on his nose. 

"You're so fucked, bacon boy," Dream wheezes, setting the bomb to the ground. It isn't even a bomb, it's just three cans of axe body spray tightened together. Once it explodes, everyone in its wake will _die_. "Ohhh, Techno!" He coos, clapping his hands together, even if it's difficult. "Come get me!"

Techno's so fucked.

* * *

**1:40 PM**

**chilltiredbi** : what the fuck is that smell

 **technopig** : AXE BODY SPRAY

 **NOTafurry** : OH GOD OH NO

 **NOTafurry** : GET OUT OF THERE TECHNO

 **businessman** : THAT SHIT'LL KILL YOU

 **technopig** : AUUUUUGHHH

 **chilltiredbi** : RUN RUN RUN RUN

 **dreamlmao** : GET FUCKED BACON BOY

 **technopig** : IM GONNA FUCKIN KILL YOU YOU GREEN BASTARD

 **dreamlmao** : LMAOOOOOOO

 **gogy** : so that's why dream bought an entire fucking cartful of that shit

 **sippycup** : i honestly just thought he genuinely used it 

**sippycup** : basic white boy shit

 **gogy** : fratnap

 **karl** : "hey mamas"

 **sippycup** : THAT WAS ONE FUCKIN TIME

**1:53 PM**

**gogy** : techno are you still alive

 **chilltiredbi** : doubt it

 **chilltiredbi** : inhaling that will kill you

 **technopig** : i'm out of the vents

 **technopig** : i wreak

 **technopig** : i am furious 

**gogy** : go roll in some mud

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : GET IT BECAUSE YOURE A 

**technopig** : no complete that sentence tommy

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : NOTHIGN

 **NOTafurry** : yeah and i'm the fucking furry

 **technopig** : you're next

 **NOTafurry** : understandable 

**chilltiredbi** : dream, update?

 **dreamlmao** : on my way to the house

 **dreamlmao** : ;)

 **technopig** : not on my watch

 **karl** : this is just awful

 **walmart techno** : i

 **walmart techno** : wh

 **walmart techno** : what?????

 **fruit** : they do this all the time dw

 **gb80** : ^^^

 **niki♥** : i'm gonna fuckign murder him

 **BEES!** : WHAT???

 **niki♥** : sorry it's wilbur 

**niki♥** : TECHNO IS FUCKIN DEAD

 **niki** ♥: BASTARD STOLE MY PHONE

 **BEES!** : did you steel nikis?

 **niki** ♥: no niki is with me right now

 **niki** ♥: hi! <3

 **niki♥** : but techno is going to die by my hands

 **niki♥** : i think i have a concussion 


	51. [Philza: It's true he crashed in via the window]

**2:00 PM**

**technopig** : you're not at the house

 **dreamlmao** : how the fuck did you get there before me

 **technopig** : technoplane 

**Philza** : It's true he crashed in via the window

 **dreamlmao** : i'm still coming to get floof

 **technopig** : you will die 

**niki** ♥: i still think i'm concussed 

**technopig** : good

* * *

The problem with carrying Wilbur isn't that he's heavy. He's fairly weightless when he's completely dead to the world. 

No, it isn't because he's heavy.

It's because he's so goddamn _long_. 

Niki sighs, watching as a decent amount of people move out of her way as she heaves Wilbur through the halls. This isn't the first time that she's done this, and it certainly won't be the last. Wilbur woke up for about thirty seconds, smiled at her like an idiot, and then passed out again. Techno really did just body-slam into him from the ceiling, and it wouldn't be surprising if Will was genuinely concussed.

"Niki?" 

Ah, shit. "Hi, Karl," Niki beams at him, shifting a little. "I thought you were with Sapnap?"

Karl blinks at her. "I thought Wilbur had your phone."

"Where's Sapnap, Karl?" 

"I.." Karl glances behind him. "I didn't have any part of this, okay? I never touched him," he holds up both of his hands. "This is all on Techno and Dream, I promise I didn't concuss him. I swear." Niki laughs, brushing past him with a smile. 

"You're fine, Karl. Help me get him to my car? He's tired." 

Karl scrambles to help carry Wilbur, and all and all, Niki would consider it a success.

* * *

**2:13 PM**

**karl** : wilbur?

 **niki** ♥: yes

 **karl** : get better soon

 **niki** ♥: thank you

 **sippycup** : why do you suddenly care so much about wilbur

 **karl** : no reason

 **karl** : he's tall and could probably hurt me 

**sippycup** : everyone is tall and could probably hurt you

 **sippycup** : minus george, bad, and niki

 **sippycup** : george is short

 **sippycup** : bad could definitely hurt you

 **karl** : bad wouldn't though

 **karl** : ......right

 **sippycup** : oh definitely he wouldn't hurt a fly

 **sippycup** : however he could 100% kill you and get away with it

 **sippycup** : and i've yet to see niki beat someone up 

**karl** : fair i suppose

 **gogy** : i'm not short you fucking dipshit

 **gogy** : you're like an inch taller than i am

 **gogy** : die

 **sippycup** : i love it when you talk to me like that gogy

 **dreamlmao** : stop flirting with my boyfriend

 **sippycup** : no

**2:45 PM**

_conversation between **businessman** and **niki** ♥_

**businessman** : alright niki 

**businessman** : it's very obviously you and i have no clue how those fucking idiots haven't picked up on it yet

 **businessman** : do you need any actual help with the big guy?

 **niki** ♥: maybe a little

 **niki** ♥: he's sleeping right now but you know

 **businessman** : gotcha

 **businessman** : you scared me for a second not going to lie to you

 **businessman** : i thought techno was a dead man

 **niki** ♥: he still might be

 **niki** ♥: haven't decided yet

 **businessman** : say the word and i'll be there to assist 

**niki** ♥: :)

 **businessman** : ;)

 **niki** ♥: now you've just made it weird

 **businessman** : good 

**3:23 PM**

**dreamlmao** : i am on the roof

 **dreamlmao** : dog time

 **technopig** : .

 **technopig** : dad do we have a shotgun

 **dreamlmao** : like that would stop me 


	52. [niki♥: bloodshed]

**3:45 PM**

**technopig** : i'm gonna kill him

 **Philza** : He's playing the waiting game

 **technopig** : i can play that game and win

 **technopig** : technoblade never dies

 **dreamlmao** : ;)

 **niki** ♥: it is time 

**technopig** : for what

 **niki** ♥: bloodshed 

**technopig** : ok wilbur

 **technopig** : good luck

 **businessman** : i'll come assist big man

_conversation between **businessman** and **niki** ♥_

**niki** ♥: never do that again

 **businessman** : agreed 

**businessman** : so how are we gonna do this assassination

 **niki** ♥: i've got a plan

 **businessman** : well i'd hope so

 **niki** ♥: stfu 

**niki** ♥: anyways. here's how it'll happen

* * *

Schlatt, contrary to popular thought, does not want to kiss Wilbur. 

He would like to punch him in the face multiple times with a sledgehammer, but, like, in the friend-way. Wilbur's his best friend! His main man, the Obama to his Cooking Mama! Of _course_ he'd notice when Niki was pretending to be him. It was a pretty spot on impression, but there was a lack of exhaustion and pure fury. Schlatt's learnt Wilbur's typing style very well, and he can _easily_ recognize when someone's trying to pretend to be him. Plus, how else is he supposed to eventually commit identity fraud? He can't do that if he isn't prepared, which he always is. 

God, Wilbur's a fucking idiot. As scary as Phil is, Techno on the ceiling is arguably worse for damage done at that moment. Wilbur could have recovered from the psychological trauma Phil would have provided him with, but now the idiot is probably concussed, _and_ his phone's been stolen, which is the worst bit of all of this. Schlatt loves him, really, he does. He has to, to have fucking dealt with all of the shit Wilbur's done. Wilbur is a goddamn _theatre_ kid, and Schlatt's stuck around. Which was difficult, but he did it nonetheless. 

He shoves his hands in his pockets as he walks towards Phil's house, pausing when he hears screaming. Well, that's not all that surprising. Maybe Niki beat him to the hou-

"Schlatt," Niki greets, appearing from the fucking bushes. Schlatt sometimes forgets that she's genuinely terrifying when she wants to be. They've got a shared agreement, actually. Both of them are Wilbur's best friends, and both of them are the only two people who can keep the dumbass in line. If something happens to him, they get to beat the shit out of whoever did it. "I'm going to go in through the back. Charm your way in there."

Schlatt grins, puffing out his chest. "Not gonna be a problem, Niki. My time to shine."

* * *

Wilbur is _so_ confused. He looks around him, frowning when he feels feet on his chest. "Oh," he laughs, shifting to sit up. "Hi, Floof," Wilbur pauses. Wait. This isn't home. This is Niki's house. "Floof," he swallows. "Where's Techno?" Floof tilts his head at the name, his tail wagging. He turns, barking at the door. No one appears. "Techno isn't here. You've been..ah, _shit_." Wilbur groans, rolling over on his side. He reaches out for his phone, wincing at the bright light. Maybe that's not a good idea. Well, when has he ever had good ideas? 

**dreamlmao** : UYGZFHJDHGHG

 **technopig** : WHAT THE CFUK WHATT RHE FUCK THAT

 **technopig** : THAT SON OF A BITCH

 **businessman** : SO MANY THINGS WENT WRONG SO MNAY THINGS

 **Philza** : PHILZAPLAAAAAAAAANE

 **dreamlmao** : UAUHG????? GERT OFF THE ROOOF

 **dreamlmao** : THERES OS MMNAY OF YOU

 **technopig** : YOURW FUCKING DEAD GREEN BOY

 **technopig** : NIKI&SCHLATT IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU

Wilbur blinks. "Niki? Schlatt?" 

"Hey, big guy."

"Hi, Will!" 

"Hello," Wilbur closes his eyes, thankful that there aren't any lights on. "How..why is Floof here? Why is T-" he hears a slam at the door, a pause, and then another slam. "Is that Techno?"

"Yeah," Schlatt tells him, sounding way too casual. "He's trying to break in. Don't worry, I've installed _so_ many unsafe security methods. Just like the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, which is-"

Niki sighs. "Let him rest, Schlatt. He has a concussion, probably. Do you think we could.." a pause. "Schlatt. Grab Floof and go to the jeep. I'll be out in a minute."

"You got it." Wilbur frowns. 

"Niki, what are you doing?" He feels arms under his body. "Niki. Niki, I'm he-"

"Shh," Niki murmurs, so he does. Probably easier to shut up than to argue. "Let's take you to the hospital."

"For..what?"

"Concussion," Niki explains, her voice softer than usual. "Techno fell on you pretty hard."

Wilbur breathes out. "Techno.. _what_?"

"Yeah," Niki agrees. "Don't worry, we got revenge."

"That..is that why Floof's here?" He opens his eyes, looking up at Niki, who grins back down at him.

"That's exactly why Floof's here." 


	53. [karl: did no one else see schlatt on the roof???]

**5:23 PM**

**technopig** : where are you

 **businessman** : gone 

**businessman** : away

 **businessman** : disappeared 

**niki** ♥: :)

 **karl** : i am unbelievably scared of niki

 **sippycup** : i didn't know she could kick down a door 

**Philza** : That was very unnecessary, Niki

 **niki♥** : sorry about that phil 

**Philza** : Are you really

 **niki** ♥: yes

 **Philza** : Alright I believe you

 **karl** : i

 **karl** : did no one else see schlatt on the roof???

 **dreamlmao** : i did

 **dreamlmao** : i shoved him off of it

 **businessman** : which was just fuckin rude 

**businessman** : i wasn't even bothering you

 **dreamlmao** : yet

 **technopig** : where is floof

 **niki** ♥: he's safe

 **niki** ♥: you know what you have to do to get him back

 **technopig** : i'll just murder you

 **technopig** : you can't hide from me forever niki

 **niki** ♥: i think i can

 **niki** ♥: good luck, techno

 **Philza** : Techno just say sorry to your brother oh my god 

**technopig** : no

 **BEES!** : what happened??

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : bad things, tubbo

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : bad things

 **BEES!** : D:

 **badboyhello** : it...

 **badboyhello** : o.o

 **skippy** : yeah lmao

 **skippy** : eveyrthn juyst went to shit 

**zelk!** : i literally put my phone down for three minutes

 **zelk!** : and there's a war

 **megapvp** : yeah

 **megapvp** : get used to it

 **beaverbitch** : when's the next fac meeting?

 **NOTafurry** : SHUT THE FUCK UP

**6:24 PM**

**technopig** : i'm following the car tracks

 **businessman** : you know i predicted you'd do that

 **businessman** : keep following then and it leads to the park i fought wilbur for back when we were kids 

**Philza** : The one with the fountain? 

**businessman** : yes 

**businessman** : """l'manberg"""

 **BEES!** : IT IS L'MANBERG!!!!

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : YEAHHHH TELL HIM TUBBO

 **businessman** : you two were literally like 5 

**businessman** : how do you even remember it 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : I WAS ELEVEN

 **BEES!** : I WAS ALSO ELEVEN! 

* * *

If Wilbur had to pick between his two best friends right now, he'd probably choose Niki in a heartbeat. For the singular reason that she's _quiet_ , and he has a _concussion_. Schlatt tries his best to speak softly, Wilbur can tell that he's actually making a conscious effort to not be loud. However, Schlatt is _always_ fucking loud, no matter what he does. It doesn't matter if he's whispering, he's loud. He's so fucking loud, it's unbelievable. "Schlatt," Wilbur murmurs, keeping his eyes closed. The lights are as dim as they can be, but _god_ , they're still so fucking bright. "Be quiet."

"I am being quiet," Schlatt protests, but he drops his voice. "Not my fault you got Technoplane'd."

"Schlatt." Niki sighs, and Wilbur smiles a little. It's unbelievable how terrifying she can be when she wants to be. Wilbur wishes he was awake to see what happened. 

Apparently, Niki kicked down a door. 

Apparently, Schlatt scaled the roof as a distraction, got shoved off of it by Dream, and immediately got back up without any apparent damage. Niki managed to steal Floof while all the screaming was going on, and apparently Sapnap, Karl, and George showed up at some point, which sounds like a nightmare. They haven't told him the rest, but from what he's heard..he can imagine it. Floof lays in his lap, snoring softly. 

Niki had threatened a nurse, and thus they let Floof in. 

God, his best friend is fucking cool. And Schlatt's okay, too. 

"If he breaks into the hospital," Wilbur starts, "am I allowed to jump out the window?" 

Schlatt laughs, and it's vastly different from his usual, maniacal cackle. "Nah, big guy. We've got you." 

"Between the two of us?" Niki sounds like she's smiling. She probably is. "I don't think anything can get through that door." 

* * *

**9:54 PM**

**gogy** : dream

 **dreamlmao** : yes love

 **gogy** : nevermind 

**gogy** : sapnap

 **sippycup** : yes honey

 **gogy** : .

 **gogy** : karl

 **karl** : yeah?

 **karl** : babe

 **gogy** : .

 **gogy** has left **GAMER RAGE**

 **dreamlmao** has added **gogy** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **dreamlmao** : OKAY, FIIIINE

 **dreamlmao** : you're so not fun

 **dreamlmao** : what do you need?

 **gogy** : my history project done

 **gogy** : you're a simp

 **gogy** : get to it

 **dreamlmao** : what the fuck

 **sippycup** : LMAOOOO HE JUST CALLED UR ASS OUT 

**dreamlmao** : i'm not a simp

 **gogy** : oh really?

 **dreamlmao** : yeah

 **gogy** : i'm gonna fail if i don't get this project done

 **dreamlmao** : rip lol

 **gogy** : wait no 


	54. [wolburscoot: you're forgiven]

**1:34 AM**

_conversation between **technopig** and **wolburscoot**_

**technopig** : wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : ?

 **technopig** : listen to me

 **wolburscoot** : i am

 **technopig** : i

 **technopig** : i'm sorry

 **technopig** : i didn't mean to hit you that hard and i didn't think that i'd knock you out and i'm sorry about that so if you could just give me my dog back that would be really nice 

**wolburscoot** : i'm at the hospital

 **wolburscoot** : the one eret was at

 **wolburscoot** : room 128 

**wolburscoot** : floof is okay

 **technopig** : i know you wouldn't do anything to him

 **technopig** : but you know

 **wolburscoot** : i know

 **wolburscoot** : come get your dog, techno

 **technopig** : i really do mean it

 **wolburscoot** : i know

 **wolburscoot** : you're forgiven 

**wolburscoot** : ily 

**technopig** : you're okay i guess 

* * *

Techno sighs, opening the door to Wilbur's room as quietly as he can. Wilbur told him that both Niki and Schlatt were sleeping, and he hopes that's true. As soon as the door creaks open, Floof leaps off of Wilbur's chest, scrambling over to him. "Floof!" Techno grins, sitting down on the ground, letting his dog leap up onto him. "God, I missed you," he murmurs, petting the little dog. "Hey, Wilbur."

"Hi, Techno," Wilbur smiles over at him, even if his eyes are closed. "I would've told you earlier so your anxiety didn't spike, but I was..sleeping. Or just unconscious, I honestly don't know. Everything's good, right?" Techno nods, quickly remembering that Wilbur isn't looking at him. 

"Uh, yeah. Just spiked a bit, but, well," he shrugs. "I knew nothin' was gonna happen to him, but I..it isn't somethin' I can just turn off. It's irrational."

"I know," Wilbur opens one eye, heaving a sigh. "I don't see why I have to stay here. I'm perfectly fine. I just need to not look at my phone and have everything be quiet for like, two weeks."

Techno snorts, holding Floof closer to his chest. "I really didn't mean to-"

"Techno," Wilbur holds up a hand, shutting him up. "Shut the fuck up. You're fine. You sound all weird when you say sorry, I don't like it. All is forgiven, forget that it even happened. Just don't fuck with me for a couple of weeks, okay? Let me heal up first before you torment me once more." Techno smiles, some of the guilt in his chest disappearing. 

"Okay, Wilbur. I didn't know Niki was that powerful." 

Wilbur grins, turning his head back up to face the ceiling. "She's unbelievable, isn't she? Schlatt's a clever bastard, too. They both are." 

"Yeah," Techno agrees, leaning up against the hospital door. Floof's already passed out. "They are."

* * *

**2:08 AM**

**dreamlmao** : how's that project going gogy

 **gogy** : i'm pissed

 **sippycup** : ask techno he knows a lot about history

 **technopig** : sun tzu

 **sippycup** : see

 **gogy** : tell me about the irish famine of 1845

 **technopig** : THE GREAT HUNGER

 **technopig** : OK SO IT ALL STARTED OFF WHEN POTATOES STARTED TO DEVELOP THIS THING CALLED LATE BLIGHT WHERE IT BASICALLY DESTROYED THEIR LEAVES AND THE ROOT WHICH WAS EDIBLE 

**technopig** : THE IRISH BASICALLY RELIED ON TWO TYPES OF POTATOES SO SINCE BOTH OF THEM GOT SCREWED THEY WERE JUST FUCKED

 **technopig** : IT LASTED UNTIL 1849 AND IT WAS THE WORST FAMINE LITERALLY EVER AND SO MANY PEOPLE STARVED TO DEATH AND IT WAS BRUTAL 

**gogy** : i

 **gogy** : wh

 **Philza** : He likes potatoes

**4:23 AM**

**gogy** : essay done

 **technopig** : did you listen to what i said

 **gogy** : yeah

 **gogy** : imagine eating potatoes and only potatoes

 **technopig** : i;m ginna jbeat youjp

 **gogy** : what

 **zelk!** : that was almost as bad as skeppy

 **technopig** : enraged 

**businessman** : .

 **businessman** : wilbur 

**wolburscoot** : shhhhhhhhhhhhhh let me go back to sleep

**7:56 AM**

**Philza** : Where are all of my children located 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : tubbo

 **BEES!** : TUBBO!!

 **wolburscoot** : slee

 **wolburscoot** : ping

 **technopig** : hospital

 **niki♥** : we're with techno and wilbur

 **Philza** : Alright

 **Philza** : Where are the rest of you located 

**dreamlmao** : i'm w george, simpnap, and karl

 **karl** : sleepover!

 **sippycup** : ;)

 **NOTafurry** : i'm chilling w eret before school

 **chilltiredbi** : beautiful finn & the rest are also here

 **TOES** : can confirm

 **Philza** : Am I forgetting anyone else

 **Philza** : I don't believe so

 **ANGRY** : ???

 **walmart techno** : ??

 **gb80** : ???

 **fruit** : ????

 **Philza** : None of you are my children

 **Philza** : Not fuckin yet

 **Philza** : God I have so many of you fucks

 **technopig** : love you too dad

 **wolburscoot** : <3

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH mMMMMMMMMMMM


	55. [NOTafurry: i am so tired of existing]

**9:02 AM**

**NOTafurry** : i am so tired of existing 

**chilltiredbi** : the fac meeting is today

 **NOTafurry** : just kill me 

**NOTafurry** : this is just suffering

 **ANGRY** : ??????

 **ANGRY** : the fac?

 **NOTafurry** has removed **ANGRY** from **GAMER RAGE**

 **NOTafurry** : anyone else want to ask anything?

 **fruit** : nah

 **gb80** : nope

 **walmart techno** : uhhhfhbvn no

 **NOTafurry** : good

 **Philza** : Alright 

**Philza** : Which one of you did it

 **wolburscoot** : can't be me, i'm concussed 

**technopig** : i'm with the concussed 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : I AM WITH BIG T

 **BEES!** : YES!

 **chilltiredbi** : i've been with fundy and beautiful finn & the rest for the entire morning

 **dreamlmao** : i haven't left my house

 **karl** : can confirm

 **sippycup** : i left to go to walmart

 **gogy** : it's sapnap then

 **Philza** : Sapnap

 **sippycup** : yes

 **Philza** : Where the fuck is my car

 **technopig** : oh that was me

 **technopig** : it's at the hospital 

**Philza** : Techno you have your own car

 **technopig** : yeah but 

**technopig** : yeah

 **Philza** : Sigh

 **Philza** : Bring me my car back

 **technopig** : but i 

**Philza** : .

 **technopig** : okay fine 

**wolburscoot** : go on bacon boy

 **technopig** : i'm gonna concuss you again 

**wolburscoot** : ofhhhg god please no not again

**12:21 AM**

**chilltiredbi** : so bad news

 **Philza** : What now

 **chilltiredbi** : i cannot find tommy

 **BEES!** : neither can i :(

 **NOTafurry** : ...

 **NOTafurry** : i'll check culinary 

**chilltiredbi** : take a fire extinguisher with you 

**NOTafurry** : already have one

 **dreamlmao** : that's not needed

 **dreamlmao** : he's on my roof

 **gogy** : WHAT

 **gogy** : /????/

 **sippycup** : how

 **karl** : i dont hear anything

 **dreamlmao** : brb

 **dreamlmao** : hunting time


	56. [KILLEDAWOMAN: i am going to make a hole in the roof]

**1:02 PM**

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : HOW DID YOU KNOW

 **dreamlmao** : footsteps

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : IM NOT MOVING????

 **dreamlmao** : ;)

 **dreamlmao** : you know what

 **dreamlmao** : i'll be nice 

**dreamlmao** : you've got two minutes before i come outside

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : i am going to make a hole in the roof

 **dreamlmao** : ok 1 minute

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : thunk

 **dreamlmao** : tommy

 **dreamlmao** : stop it 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHATRE YOU GONNA DO

 **dreamlmao** : come up there and beat your ass

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : OK LOL

 **karl** : i don't like this

 **sippycup** : shh it happens all the time 

**gogy** : he's sadly right

 **gogy** : why can't either of you just get normal interests 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : NO

 **drealmao** : seconded 

**wolburscoot** : how 

**technopig** : stop looking at your phone it's bright 

**businessman** : ^^^^

 **niki** ♥: ^^^^^

 **wolburscoot** : boring

 **businessman** : keep that up and i'm gonna come over there and kiss you

 **wolburscoot** : oh fuck oh no

 **wolburscoot** : what ever will i do

 **businessman** : ok fucker i'm omw 

* * *

The plan was to jump Dream as soon as he walked out the door, but it's clear that isn't going to happen. 

The plan was fucked from the beginning. 

Tommy sighs, kicking at some of the shingles. Dream _really_ needs to fix his fucking roof, Jesus Christ. Tommy glances down at the sidewalk, looks back at his phone.

 **dreamlmao** : 10 seconds

Tommy isn't a fucking _pussy_. He's ready to assault Dream just as much as Dream's ready to assault him. And he's gonna _win_ , purely because he's _Tommy_ , and he never loses. When has he ever lost once in his life? Never. "Ohhh, Tommy!" Dream coos, with that stupid sing-song voice that he always does when he's trying to be scary. "I _seeeee_ you!" 

"That's the fuckin' point," Tommy stands up, shifting his weight so he doesn't fucking fall. "I'm gonna dive bomb you, Dre." 

Dream grins up at him. "You can sure try." 

"You're not gonna be able to move fast enough."

"You're gonna give yourself a concussion," Dream tells him. "You know what, actually? I'll be right back. I've never played moving darts before."

"Moving..what?" Tommy frowns, trying to figure out what the hell that means. Dream just grins even more, turning back to enter his house. 

"Oh, you'll see."

* * *

**1:10 PM**

**karl** : there's so much screaming 

**karl** : help me please oh my mhuficoc

 **karl** : WHERE IS MJUJMym

 **karl** : I HEAR HUIM

 **sippycup** : MR BEAST???

 **karl** : HIS NAME IS JIMMY

 **karl** : JIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY

 **dreamlmao** : HAHAHAHHAHAHA DANCE BITCH DANCE

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHAT THE UFKC IS THIS DHIT

 **technopig** : @sippycup send images

 **technopig** : thanks

 **sippycup** : i never...said i would..??

 **technopig** : but you're going to

 **technopig** : thank you

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : THIS IS FUCING UNFASIR AS SHIT

 **dreamlmao** : AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

* * *

Schlatt isn't an asshole. Except for the times he is. 

As much as he wants to slam Wilbur's door open and scream his name, he knows that he absolutely shouldn't. So he doesn't, opting to quietly open the door instead. He closes it as softly as he can, scanning over the area before he spots Wilbur on his couch. "Hey," he greets, looking towards the T.V. It's just some news channel, spitting out whatever it is they're angry about now. Unsurprising. "Wilbur?"

"Mm," is all he gets in response. Schlatt watches as Wilbur rolls over to face him, bags under his eyes. "Oh. You came."

"Well, duh," Schlatt teases, moving to crouch down in front of him. "Did you pass out here, big guy?"'

Wilbur just nods, looking exhausted. 

"Alright," Schlatt sighs, standing back up. "It's a shame you're so fucking tall, dude," he laughs, scooping Wilbur into his arms. Thank god the fucker doesn't resist. God, he'd be so easy to kidnap. His door wasn't even locked. Schlatt pauses, holding his best friend there for a second. Wilbur's completely out of it, isn't he? If someone came in this house to try to kidnap or murder him, he'd do nothing. "Alright," Schlatt murmurs, walking towards Wilbur's bedroom. "You get some sleep, big guy."

"You're leaving?"

He pauses, hand resting on the door handle. "Nah. I'll just be out here. Your windows are locked, right?" Wilbur turns to look up at him, giving him a blinding smile. Ah, he's _really_ out of it. "Wilbur. Are they?"

"You're worried about me." Wilbur teases. 

"Nope," Schlatt disagrees, moving to check the window. It isn't locked. Of course it isn't. He flicks the lock, sighing. "Get some sleep, Wilbur." 

Wilbur smiles at him, his grin turning into something a lot softer. "Love you too, Schlatt." 

"Never said that I loved you," Schlatt turns to the door, smiling since Wilbur can't see him. "Goodnight, big guy." 

* * *

**2:33 PM**

**dreamlmao** : heyyyy uhhhhhh phil

 **Philza** : What the fuck did you do

 **dreamlmao** : well

 **dreamlmao** : it's not as bad as you think

 **Philza** : Dream.

 **dreamlmao** : well i accidentally stabbed sapnap

 **Philza** : .

 **Philza** : Accidentally.

 **dreamlmao** : yeah

 **dreamlmao** : accidentally 

**Philza** : .

 **dreamlmao** : so do i like 

**dreamlmao** : take him to the hospital or 


	57. [sippycup: i'm gonna crawl inside and give you a big ole bear hug and bleed all over you]

**3:03 PM**

**dreamlmao** : god this fucking dude is so demanding 

**gogy** : you stabbed him in the leg

 **dreamlmao** : he got in my way

 **gogy** : wh

 **gogy** : you're so fucking dramatic 

**dreamlmao** : "what're you gonna do, stab me?"

 **dreamlmao** : "yeah"

 **dreamlmao** : i gave him 10 seconds of a warning and the bitch didn't move

 **gogy** : THAT DOESN'T

 **gogy** : yknow what idc it's sapnap

 **sippycup** : ok what the fuck

 **sippycup** : that's just rude 

**sippycup** : i'm gonna crawl inside and give you a big ole bear hug and bleed all over you

 **dreamlmao** : no youre not youre at the hospital

 **dreamlmao** : i like wilbur more than you i'm gonna visit him

 **businessman** : he's at his place

 **niki** ♥: he's at home

 **businessman** : ye

 **businessman** : they figured since he's got a history of being taken care of after being hospitalized they might as well just throw him out

 **Philza** : How is he doing?

 **businessman** : he's fine dw phil

 **businessman** : passed out rn

 **Philza** : Did you kiss him

 **businessman** : oh my god you fucking bet i did

 **businessman** : AND we held hands

 **businessman** : INTERLOCKING LIPS, BABEY!!!!!

 **zelk!** : before marriage?

 **skippy** : diskguusting

 **TOES** : did you hold toes

 **businessman** : no

 **TOES** : boring

 **zelk!** : BEFORE????? marriage?????

 **businessman** : YEAH ZELK WE'RE FUCKIN REBELS BABAEY

 **niki** ♥: did you at least have the decency to turn off the lights

 **businessman** : dw our boyfriend is ok 

**niki** ♥: our what

 **businessman** : you heard me

 **Philza** : Sigh

 **Philza** : Techno, location

 **technopig** : bedroom

 **technopig** : wilbur's 

**technopig** : since he's dead i think i should get his room

 **Philza** : I let you choose your rooms

 **Philza** : You immediately wanted the loft 

**technopig** : i'm branching out 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : FATHER

 **Philza** : Yes

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I AM GOING TO START STABBING SHIT

 **Philza** : With what, a knife?

 **Philza** : Wait

 **Philza** : OMW

**6:02 PM**

**niki♥** : update me on wilbur 

**businessman** : sleep

 **businessman** : i just went to check his pulse and i think it's still there

 **businessman** : idk i never learnt how to do that

 **niki** ♥: you're in child development..?

 **businessman** : they teach me how to do cpr on kids not check their goddamn pulses

 **businessman** : wilbur is like an extra long child

 **niki** ♥: you're not wrong

 **Philza** : Sadly

 **technopig** : heheheheheeh

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : now this is just abuse

 **technopig** : nah

 **Philza** : Nah

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ??? WDYM """"NAH""""

 **BEES!** : ?????? were are you?

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : GUESS BIG MAN

 **BEES!** : GASP!!!!!!

 **BEES!** : BUZZ SAW!!!! :D


	58. [Philza: Sapnap got STABBED]

**9:01 PM**

**BEES!** : I DID IT!!!

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : i cannot feel my fucking limbs

 **Philza** : This is what happens when you crawl onto roofs 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : IT WAS FUNNY

 **Philza** : Sapnap got STABBED

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHICH IS HILARIOUS

 **Philza** : Oh my god

 **technopig** : tubbo why is the slide always reassembled every time i go back to put tommy in it

 **chilltiredbi** : oh that's me

 **chilltiredbi** : figured i might as well help with the cause

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FUCK YOU

 **chilltiredbi** : :D

 **niki** ♥: schlatt

 **businessman** : he has Awoken 

**businessman** : i made him warm cereal 

**TOES** : ???

 **zelk!** : warm?

 **businessman** : ;)

 **niki** ♥: i'm going to come over there and kill you

 **businessman** : nooo wilbur would be sad 

**businessman** : he loves me 

**businessman** : he just agreed with me

 **niki** ♥: he has a concussion, he isn't in the right state of mind 

**businessman** : nahhh he loves me dw 

**dreamlmao** : sapnap

 **sippycup** : i do not like you

 **dreamlmao** : oh come on

 **sippycup** : no

 **dreamlmao** : i'll bring karl to visit

 **karl** : i'm talking to jimmy :)

 **gogy** : who

 **karl** : i

 **karl** : mr beast

 **gogy** : oh him

 **gogy** : i remember him

 **karl** : ???

 **dreamlmao** : mr beast called him short once lmao 

**dreamlmao** : he's never gotten over it 

**sippycup** : HHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOGY SHORT

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : TINY GOGY

 **gogy** has left **GAMER RAGE**

 **dreamlmao** has added **gogy** to **GAMER RAGE**

 **dreamlmao** : no 

**1:56 AM**

_conversation between_ _**niki** ♥ and _ _**Philza** _

**niki** ♥: _[image sent]_

 **niki** ♥: i can't believe they fell asleep like that

 **Philza** : I'm not surprised ngl

 **Philza** : They've always done that

 **Philza** : Schlatt used to come over and he'd just pass out on top of Wilbur 

**niki** ♥: is will doing better?

 **Philza** : Niki, he's done better ever since he met you and Schlatt

 **Philza** : He would NOT shut up about you when you two met

 **niki** ♥: awwww

 **Philza** : How's he doing?

 **niki** ♥: he's alright, dw phil

 **niki** ♥: just resting :)

 **Philza** : Alright good

 **Philza** : Thank you Niki 

**niki** ♥: of course phil <3

 **Philza** : <3

**5:02 AM**

**sippycup** : GoERGe

 **gogy** : what

 **sippycup** : WHERE THE FUCK IS DREAM

 **gogy** : idk i dont pay that much attention to his whereabouts 

**gogy** : he's a toddler with adhd 

**technopig** : as someone with adhd, accurate 

**sippycup** : im gonna beat the shit out of him

 **gogy** : why

 **sippycup** : he fucking 

**sippycup** : there's a fucking 

**sippycup** : listen.

 **gogy** : literally just say it 

**sippycup** : there's three hamsters in my hospital room 


	59. [dreamlmao: are they alive?]

**5:30 AM**

**dreamlmao** : that wasn't me 

**dreamlmao** : are they alive?

 **sippycup** : wtf do u mean it wasnt u

 **dreamlmao** : i mean it wasn't me

 **dreamlmao** : dyslexic lookin ass

 **BEES!** : dyslexic? 

**BEES!** : that is what i am 

**dreamlmao** : yes and i love you 

**dreamlmao** : sapnap, however, is a plague to the earth 

**sippycup** : oh fuck you you literally ate mice 

**gogy** : gotta agree with sapnap here

 **technopig** : just open the door and let them go

 **sippycup** : but it hurts to stand 

**sippycup** : he stabbed me in the fuckin leg

 **karl** : :(

 **karl** : get better soon

 **sippycup** : i'd get better soon if i got to see you

 **karl** : are you flirting with me? 

**sippycup** : ;)

 **karl** : ;)

 **megapvp** : disgusting 

**8:02 AM**

**chilltiredbi** : FAC MEETING!!!!!! FAC MEETING!!!!!!!

 **NOTafurry** : SHUT THEBFUJ CYFFFFFF

 **niki** ♥: furry awareness club time? 

**chilltiredbi** : YES!!!!! :D

 **chilltiredbi** : POG!!!!

 **NOTafurry** : I HATE OU 

**Philza** : Haha furry

 **NOTafurry** : FUKIUCNC LAUFHG TRACK

 **technopig** : LAUGH TRACK????

 **dreamlmao** : LMNAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAA 

**dreamlmao** : LAUGH TRACK? 

**gogy** : what 

**gogy** : why is that funny

 **dreamlmao** : YOU ARE SO BORING JUST LAUGH

 **dreamlmao** : YOU BETTER LAUGH OR THAT MAN OVER THERE (@TOES) IS GOING TO TAKE YOIU

 **gogy** : HAGHHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **TOES** : ;)

 **beaverbitch** : i'm omw to the fac

 **zelk!** : as am i

 **tapltired** : same

 **skippy** : yse

 **badboyhello** : is everyone going? :D

 **dreamlmao** : everyone minus fratnap & his husband and scoot 

**businessman** : niki it's your turn to take care of our boyfriend 

**niki** ♥: our WHAT

 **businessman** : you know what i said

 **businessman** : i forced him to eat waffles and he nearly punched me in the face so 

**businessman** : he's cranky 

**niki** ♥: he doesn't like waffles, schlatt

 **businessman** : HE HAD FIVE BOXES IN HIS FREEZER????

 **niki** ♥: YOU KNOW HE DOES THIS

 **niki** ♥: HE'S SELF DESTRUCTIVE 

**businessman** : ??????

 **businessman** : WHAT????

 **businessman** : WHATEVER

 **businessman** : he's watching icarly 

**niki** ♥: how? it isn't ever on anything 

**businessman** : it's wilbur how the hell does he ever do anything

 **niki** ♥: fair point 

**businessman** : yeah he's should be fine, you do have a key right 

**niki** ♥: of course i have a key

 **businessman** : well he loves me more so

 **businessman** : just wanted to check

 **niki** ♥: that's just not true

 **businessman** : oh yeah? 

**niki** ♥: yeah

 **businessman** : well i made him a five course meal last night so i think he likes me more 

**businessman** : anyways 

**businessman** : fac time 

**dreamlmao** : how did wilbur manage to score both of you

 **niki** ♥: he's funny! 

**businessman** : ngl he's cute

 **Philza** : This is why everyone thinks you're dating 

**businessman** : well he IS pretty

 **businessman** : am i not allowed to call my best friend cute 

**Philza** : No of course not, compliment him more 

**Philza** : He needs more ego boosters

 **technopig** : so do i

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : AND ME

 **Philza** : Techno, you're very smart and clever and I cannot believe how much you've grown, and I'm so proud of you 

**Philza** : Tommy you have a god complex you do not need more compliments 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : ???????

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : ??? ABUSE ???

 **BEES!** : I THINK YOUR COOL TOMMY!!!!!!! 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : THANK YOU TUBBO!!!!! YOU ARE ALRIGHT SOMETIMES!!!!!

 **BEES!** : :DDDD


	60. [businessman: didn't he literally find a pit and called it pogtopia]

**9:08 AM**

**niki♥** : phil your son is a menace 

**Philza** : I know

 **businessman** : i leave to go to the fac and what happens??

 **niki** ♥: he's refusing to eat 

**Philza** : Sigh

 **Philza** : I'll be there

 **businessman** : no all you have to do is just take the orca 

**niki** ♥: i'm not taking the orca

 **Philza** : Do not take the orca

 **businessman** : it works

 **Philza** : At the price of your nose being broken

 **businessman** : if it gets the fucker to eat 

**niki** ♥: sigh

 **dreamlmao** : is wilbur really that stubborn

 **technopig** : yeah

 **technopig** : he's VERY stubborn

 **Philza** : It's true

 **niki** ♥: it's very true

 **businessman** : yeah

 **dreamlmao** : fair enough

 **dreamlmao** : i did try to steal his country from him 

**businessman** : didn't he literally find a pit and called it pogtopia 

**Philza** : Yeah

 **Philza** : Tommy and Tubbo swear they were in that war but I didn't even know either of them existed until Tommy was 16

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I WAS THERE IN SPIRIT 

**dreamlmao** : wilbur literally almost drowned me 

**Philza** : Unsurprised 

**technopig** : i almost punched schlatt

 **businessman** : you stabbed me with a fork???

 **technopig** : that was an accident

 **businessman** : it was NOT

 **gogy** : dream

 **dreamlmao** : love of my life

 **gogy** : nevermind 

**gogy** : karl

 **karl** : babey 

**gogy** : fuck you

 **gogy** : niki

 **dreamlmao** : niki keep it going

 **businessman** : she can't we're married to wilbur

 **niki** ♥: how did we evolve from apparently dating wilbur to being married to him

 **businessman** : we've always been married to wilbur

 **niki** ♥: since when

 **businessman** : the day he met us

 **niki** ♥: he was like 8 when he met you???

 **businessman** : yes

 **businessman** : your point?

 **niki** ♥: sigh

 **gogy** : NIKI

 **niki** ♥: yes dear?

 **gogy** : GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

 **gogy** : ERET

 **chilltiredbi** : DARLING???

 **gogy** : FUNDY

 **NOTafurry** : babycakes?

 **gogy** : .

 **gogy** : RANBOO

 **walmart techno** has left **GAMER RAGE**

 **gogy** : OH YOU PRICK

 **gogy** : FRUIT

 **fruit** : honey <3

 **gogy** : .

 **gogy** : quackity 

**BIGQ** : ME PERDONAS??? 

**gogy** : WHAT DOES THAT EVEN FUCKING MEAN

* * *

Wilbur doesn't quite know how he got here in his life. 

He shifts on the couch, feeling sicker than he had in the past couple of days. Wilbur closes his eyes, listening to the faint hum of the T.V. He's just been watching fucking _iCarly_ for the past three days, and absolutely nothing else. "Will," he winces when he sits up to face Niki, slouching back down. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," Wilbur sighs, closing his eyes. "Schlatt finally left."

"When did he leave?"

"Ten minutes ago."

Niki sighs. "He said he left three hours ago."

"He's a liar, what can I say," Wilbur laughs, shifting under the blankets. "I'm sick, Niki. Plagued. Diseased." 

"Well," Niki laughs, coming over to sit next to him. "I already knew that. Do you think I should take you in to the hospital?"

"No," Wilbur huffs, burying his head against his pillow. "No. Nope. Fucking no. Not going to the hospital for a _cold_." 

Niki sighs again. "Will."

"No."

" _Will_."

"Niki," Wilbur mocks back, raising his voice unbelievably high. "That's what you sound like."

"Wilbur."

"That's.." it's been a while since Niki's used his full name. "I don't need to go to the hospital for something like this. It's just a cold, don't worry. I just need to sleep it off. Also," Wilbur cracks open an eye, sighing. "Schlatt made me warm fucking cereal. He put it in the oven."

"In the _oven?_ " Niki laughs, and it makes Wilbur smile. It's nice to hear his best friends laugh, especially Niki's. Schlatt has a genuine laugh, sometimes, but he almost always cackles. It's fucking terrifying. At least Niki is semi-normal. "I cannot believe you two are friends." 

Wilbur grins, closing his eyes again. "It's an interesting friendship, yeah. Do you think I could convince Techno to put Tommy in the swingset?" Niki pats him on the leg.

"You don't even have to ask. He'll do it without prompting."

* * *

**10:49 AM**

**karl** : uhhh bad news

 **sippycup** : ?

 **gogy** : tf 

**dreamlmao** : hm

 **F1NNxROSE** : what up 

**karl** : so there's 

**karl** : ????

 **karl** : like 

**gogy** : spit it out

 **TOES** : ???????

 **beaverbitch** : i'm busy in the fac rn

 **dreamlmao** : ^^

 **sippycup** : ^^^

 **TOES** : ^^^

 **F1NNxROSE** : ^^^

 **karl** : i think there's an alligator in the fucking college??


	61. [gogy: STOP ROLEPLAYING AND TAKE CARE OF IT]

**11:04 AM**

**karl** : ????????????

 **dreamlmao** : there's an alligator 

**dreamlmao** : in the college?

 **karl** : YES

 **dreamlmao** : well

 **dreamlmao** : this sounds like a job for me 

**gogy** : STOP ROLEPLAYING AND TAKE CARE OF IT

 **dreamlmao** : i am i am

 **niki** ♥: wilbur asks why theres an alligator in the college

 **dreamlmao** : not for long

 **gogy** : ???

 **gogy** : what are you going to do

 **dreamlmao** : wrangle 

**sippycup** : what does that mean

 **sippycup** : wrangle??

 **dreamlmao** : hunt 

**technopig** : i wish to help

 **businessman** : hey niki can you relay a message to wilbur

 **niki** ♥: yes

 **businessman** : tell him he's hot

 **niki** ♥: he said he knows

 **businessman** : god i love him

 **dreamlmao** : where is the gator 

**karl** : east wing

 **karl** : by the east dorms

 **dreamlmao** : got it

 **dreamlmao** : scream until i get there

 **karl** : ok

 **dream** **lmao** : i hear you

 **technopig** : as do i and i'm not even in the building yet

 **Philza** : I also think I can hear you and I'm in a different building 4 minutes away from here

 **karl** : well i j

 **karl** : :(

 **sippycup** : shh its ok ily bb 

**karl** : <3

 **sippycup** : <3

* * *

Dream saunters through the hallways, his hands shoved in his pockets. "Karl!" Dream grins, saluting him. "Where's the boy?" Karl stares at him, jaw half open. "Karl? You good?"

"I.." he nods, closing his eyes. "He's over there," Dream nods back, brushing past his friend. "Dream? What are you gonna do to this animal?"

Dream grins, giving him a half-hearted shrug. "I'm just gonna talk," he promises, turning the hallway. He stares at the alligator, who's just sat in the middle of the hallway. "Hey," Dream crouches down, watching as the gator glares at him. "You're not all that big, are you?" It really isn't. It looks like a young one, probably two feet long. "Well, we need to get you out of here before Karl shits himself," Dream explains, standing back up. He moves around the gator, careful to not get too close to its jaws. Dream rushes around behind it, snapping his hands forwards. He clamps them over the gator's snout and lower jaw, holding it tight. "Resisting is just gonna make it harder."

"Oh my _god_ ," Dream grins at the sound of George's sigh, the disappointment very evident in it. "Why the fuck are you holding the alligator?"

"Well, I have to get it outside somehow," Dream laughs, bumping George's hip with his own as he walks by. "He's not gonna hurt you. See? I've got his snout closed, he can't break free. Wanna pet him?" 

"No, I don't want to fucking pet him," George grumbles, but he does start to walk with him. "It's not even that big."

"That's just rude."

" _Dream_."

"Sorry!" He wheezes, forcing himself to not double over with the fucking gator in his arms. "You just give me these opportunities, I can't help myself. But, uh, yeah. He's probably a year or two?" Dream shrugs, pushing open the door with his foot. "Karl was panicking over nothing. Even if it _did_ try to chase him down, he could probably just step over it. If worse came to worse, he could step _on_ it, but that's just.." Dream sighs. "Not the gator's fault that he got himself lost, huh, little buddy?"

George stares at him.

"You're not fucking keeping it as a pet." 

"Why not?" Dream grins. "He's well-behaved. Oh!" He feels his heart soar to his chest. "I could take him to see Wilbur! It'd make him feel so- you know what? Actually," he pauses, his mind flashing back to Niki hauling Wilbur throughout the school, kicking down the door, and holding him at knifepoint once. Niki and Schlatt are very protective of their best friend, Niki especially. _Especially_ when the bastard is sick. "Maybe you should just take some pictures of me." George raises an eyebrow at him.

"Are you scared of Niki, Dream?"

"Of course I am," he confirms with a nod, adjusting to stand in better lighting. "Who isn't? Anyways. Pictures?"

George sighs, but he pulls out his phone. 

"You're _such_ an idiot."

* * *

**1:02 PM**

_conversation between **gogy** and **niki** ♥_

**gogy** : _[image sent]_

 **niki** ♥: WHAT

 **gogy** : _[image sent]_

 **gogy** : _[image sent]_

 **niki** ♥: i didn't actually think there was an alligator in the college

 **gogy** : yeah neither did i

 **gogy** : dream is trying to convince me to keep it as a pet

 **gogy** : he wanted to show it to wilbur but he was afraid that you'd beat him to death

 **niki** ♥: awww

 **niki** ♥: if wilbur wasn't sick, i'd say yes

 **niki** ♥: but he is, and he has less self control when he's sick. he'd stick his hand in the alligator's mouth

 **gogy** : wouldn't he do that normally

 **niki** ♥: yes

 **niki** ♥: however he'd listen to me if i told him to not 

**niki** ♥: but sick wilbur is an entirely different person

 **gogy** : is he doing any better?

 **gogy** : idc but i figured it'd be rude to not ask

 **niki** ♥: he's doing alright

 **niki** ♥: he's just been complaining about eating and how he isn't hungry, but he hasn't had much all day

 **niki** ♥: the usual

 **gogy** : ahh i see

 **gogy** : has he started his hysteric singing? 

**niki** ♥: not yet

 **niki** ♥: i think that'll happen in another day or two

 **gogy** : did you tell him about schlatt saying you were all married

 **niki** ♥: i did

 **niki** ♥: he thought it was hilarious 

**niki** ♥: you do know that schlatt & i are only friends because we're friends with will, right?

 **niki** ♥: we've come to an agreement 

**gogy** : yeah i know

 **gogy** : i'm well aware of how much you hated him

 **niki** ♥: it wasn't "hate"

 **niki** ♥: it was just a disliking 

**niki** ♥: he isn't as bad when we have a common goal

 **gogy** : wilbur's lucky he's got 2 simps taking care of him

 **gogy** : well

 **gogy** : you're just nice. schlatt's a simp

 **niki** ♥: we all are only friends

 **gogy** : dw i know 

**gogy** : it's all just for the bit

 **gogy** : anyways. go take care of sandbur, i'm gonna go yell at dream 

**gogy** : tell wilbur i said hi

 **niki** ♥: alright! thank you george <3

 **gogy** : yeah 

**4:29 PM**

**karl** : the..gator??

 **dreamlmao** : is in my house

 **gogy** : no the fuck it isnt

 **gogy** : it better not be 

**gogy** : i swear to god

 **dreamlmao** : his name is monopoly 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI EVERYONE!!! MY NAME IS JOSH AND A FUN FACT ABOUT ME IS THAT I AM PISSED!!! THERE IS AN ACCOUNT CALLED "wh0ret0mmy" (WHO WRITES NONCON, SEXUAL THEMES, AND UNDERAGE WORKS WITH TOMMY, TUBBO, AND WILBUR IN THEM) AND IF YOU HAVE EVER LIKED ANY OF THEIR WORKS OR YOU ARE NOT REPULSED BY WHAT THEY ARE DOING, DNI!! NEVER FUCKING INTERACT WITH ME. UNSUB FROM MY WORKS, UNSUB FROM ME, GET RID OF YOUR BOOKMARKS, DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME OR COMMENT! YOU DISGUST ME!


	62. [gogy: it's sitting in his fucking lap like a cat]

**5:03 PM**

**sippycup** : did he seriously 

**sippycup** : keep that alligator???

 **dreamlmao** : HIS NAME IS MONOPOLY

 **gogy** : pissed

 **gogy** : it's sitting in his fucking lap like a cat

 **dreamlmao** : HIS name is MONOPOLY

 **businessman** : update me 

**niki** ♥: sleeping

 **businessman** : AGAIN

 **niki** ♥: he always sleeps when he's sick it's his thing

 **Philza** : And hysterical singing 

**businessman** : and watching icarly

 **Philza** : His comfort move is Fox & the Hound 

**niki** ♥: really?

 **businessman** : i never knew that

 **businessman** : what the fuck is fox and the hound 

**Philza** : It's like two best friends, one of them is a fox and the other is a hunting dog

 **Philza** : Fuck if I know how to explain it, it's weird

 **niki** ♥: i thought it was a nice movie 

**dreamlmao** : tf&th is good

 **gogy** : i've never seen it

 **dreamlmao** : come watch it w me and monopoly 

**gogy** : STOP

 **sippycup** : are we going to ignore the fucking hamsters in my room

 **gogy** : they're still there????

 **sippycup** : yeah

 **sippycup** : idfk what to do w them

 **karl** : keep them?

 **sippycup** : and keep them fucking where 

**sippycup** : i dont own like a 

**sippycup** : hamster pen 

**karl** : i'll buy you one?

 **sippycup** : cute

 **sippycup** : fine

 **karl** : name them

 **BIGQ** : name them ME PERDONAS 

**sippycup** : ALL OF THEM???

 **BIGQ** : YES

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : NAME ONE BIG MAN TOMMY

 **BIGQ** : NO

 **BEES!** : tubbo!

 **chilltiredbi** : eret!

 **NOTafurry** : fundy?

 **chilltiredbi** : fundy!

 **NOTafurry** : :D

 **chilltiredbi** : <3

 **dreamlmao** : wtf is this wholesome shit

 **dreamlmao** : get that shit outta here

 **gogy** : STOP PETTING THE ALLIGATOR

 **dreamlmao** : HIS NAME IS M O N O P O L Y

 **sippycup** : hamsers

 **sippycup** : hamste r s 

**sippycup** : hampsrts 

**sippycup** : FUCK

 **karl** : it's ok youre doing your best

 **sippycup** : ham

 **sippycup** : ster

 **karl** : there you go

 **chilltiredbi** : hey uhhh fundy

 **NOTafurry** : yees

 **chilltiredbi** : so uh

 **chilltiredbi** : the fac is swarmed 

**NOTafurry** : with what

 **chilltiredbi** : birds

 **NOTafurry** : ??? what

 **businessman** : can confirm uhh

 **businessman** : what the fffucuik

 **businessman** : AHYAUZGyH

 **chilltiredbi** : FET OUT GET ORYT GET ITY

 **dreamlmao** : ????

 **dreamlmao** : whats going on

 **chilltiredbi** : ATTACK

 **chilltiredbi** : SAWJRM


	63. [businessman: eret and i are playing 400 minutes in heaven rn what the fuck do you think]

**5:10 PM**

**dreamlmao** : so 

**dreamlmao** : you guys dead?

* * *

Eret slams the storage closet door shut, throwing Schlatt into the room with him before he does. His heart is _screaming_ at him. Fuck, it's been so goddamn long since he's done exercise like that. "So," Schlatt laughs, struggling to breathe. He's keeled over, his hands on his knees. "What the fuck?" Eret silently agrees, trying to catch his breath. Room 304 is so fucking far from everything else, and the swarm nearly managed to get _in_ the closet with them. "Eret, you good? I think I got shit on." Eret wheezes, wincing when it feels like his lungs are burning. 

"Yeah?" He laughs, raising an eyebrow. "I didn't think there would be that many."

"You knew this was gonna happen?"

Eret pauses. "No."

"You're a liar."

"Only a little," he agrees, slouching against the door. It's locked, they can't get out even if they wanted to. The prospect of being locked in a closet with Schlatt is a lot more appealing right now than the birds. Eret thinks that'll last for another three minutes before he's begging to get back to the swarm. "Blame Skeppy. I don't know where the fuck he got all of those homing pigeons, but he did." 

"Those were _not_ pigeons," Schlatt slides down to the ground, kicking his legs out. "No fucking way. Those things were _pissed_. They had a bloodlust, Eret. No fucking way those were pigeons." Eret sighs, pushing up his sunglasses. 

"They were," he can hear the squawking start to fade. "I think there were a couple sparrows. I don't know, there were so fucking many of them." 

Schlatt sighs. "Well. What the fuck do we do now? No one is going to let us out of here. The only person who would is Niki, and she's with Wilbur." 

"Nah," Eret disagrees, closing his eyes. "We'll be fine. I'll get Tubbo to let us out."

"He's gonna turn into Big Crime at the prospect of this," Schlatt tells him. "We're so fucked." 

"Good thing you've only got eyes for Wilbur, then."

Schlatt barks out a laugh, tilting his head back. "I don't think he'd mind a little cheating." Eret thumps his head against the door. 

"You went three minutes without flirting with me."

"A record," Schlatt laughs. "Nah, seriously, though. If worst comes to worst, you've got the boots on. Kick down the door, Eret."

Eret groans. "I'll have to _pay_ for that."

"And I'm ninety thousand in debt," Schlatt reminds him. "Take one for the team, asshole."

* * *

**5:21 PM**

**chilltiredbi** : going to the fac is a bad idea rn

 **skippy** : DIDI TI WORK????

 **businessman** : eret and i are playing 400 minutes in heaven rn what the fuck do you think

 **chilltiredbi** : we are NOT

 **businessman** : ;)

 **gogy** : tell me what the fuck just happened

 **chilltiredbi** : birds

 **skippy** : BIRD!!!!

 **sippycup** : me perdonas are doing good

 **sippycup** : they are all named me perdonas 

**BIGQ** : YEAHH!!!!!!!!

 **BIGQ** : i'm gonna go check out the fac

 **businessman** : jesus fucking christ 

**businessman** : i hope the birds obliterate that twink

 **BIGQ** : IM NOT A FUCKIJG TQWINK

 **businessman** : once they start chasing you at least go to a different storage closet

 **dreamlmao** : ...

 **dreamlmao** : you're in a storage closet?

 **chilltiredbi** : it was that or death

 **businessman** : plus i get to kiss eret now

 **chilltiredbi** : STOP LOOKING AT ME

* * *

Quackity isn't a pussy.

He struts on over to the FAC, room 304. He hears the fluttering of wings, sees a singular pigeon. "Wow," he scoffs, watching as the pigeon lands directly in front of him, pecking at the ground. "This is pathetic. They really got scared off by-" he's cut off by his own screams when he sees _twenty more pigeons_ suddenly appear. He watches as one of them tilts its head, staring right at him. "M- me perdonas?" 

Quackity screeches when they fucking _bombard_ him, scrambling to get the fuck out of there. He sprints down the hallway, hearing wings flap way too close to him, and he sees the storage closet door and he opens it and-

"And here he is," Schlatt booms. Quackity watches as the door slams shut behind him, clicking. "Told you, Eret." 

"I..there.." he gasps for breath, staring wide-eyed at the floor. "There's so many."

"Told you," Eret sighs, patting the ground next to him. "Welcome to the storage closet. Schlatt, flirt with him now. He's your new target."

Schlatt grins, grabbing Quackity by the hand, dragging him to the ground. "Hey, babe. Honey, dearest. Sweetie. My love." 

"I.." Quackity thinks he's in shock. "I didn't.." 

"Yeah," Schlatt nods, patting his head. "Well, we're all here now. Not much we can do," he shrugs. "Wanna watch iCarly with me, boys?"

* * *

**5:29 PM**

**skippy** : tHE FAC TAKE SNANAOTHER VICTIM 

**NOTafurry** : i'm not touching that shit w a thirty metre pole 

**businessman** : a thirty what

 **NOTafurry** : metre 

**businessman** : it's "meter"

 **NOTafurry** : ok american 

**karl** : i don't even want to look at the fac

 **BIGQ** : I I I I I I

 **businessman** : he's crying

 **BIGQ** : I AM NOT

 **businessman** : that twink got obliterated 

**BIGQ** : NO

 **F1NNxROSE** : you're all just losers

 **F1NNxROSE** : no way it's that bad

 **BIGQ** : IT IS THAT BAD

 **chilltiredbi** : we'll wait for you finn

 **businessman** : sigh

* * *

Finn pushes his way to the FAC, room 304. He hears the soft coo of pigeons, and wonders how the fuck anyone would be scared of _pigeons_. 

Pigeons are the world's stupidest bird. All they do is shit everywhere. They literally stand in the middle of roads and won't fucking move for traffic. Pigeons are idiots, they're so fucking stupid. Finn watches as a pigeon lands close to him, its wings flapping. "Hey, little guy," Finn laughs, crouching down to face it. "Did you scare Quackity? Not surprised," he watches as the pigeon flutters away, watches as- "Oh. Oh, _shit_." Finn scrambles to his feet, shouting as he watches at _least_ three hundred pigeons _show up from the fucking rafters_.

"Fuck!" He screams, scrambling down the hallway as fast as he can, spinning on his heels to make a sharp right. He spots a storage closet, slams the door open, and- 

"Hey," Quackity waves. Eret, Schlatt, and Quackity are all sat against the back wall, with Schlatt in the middle, his phone in his lap. "We're on episode one. Wanna watch some iCarly with us?" 

He jumps when the door slams shut behind him, wincing at the click. "Yeah," Eret agrees. "It's locked now. Welcome to the storage closet," he pats the spot next to him. "Might as well vibe here with us." Finn closes his eyes, numbly plopping himself down next to Eret. 

_Fuck_.

* * *

**5:56 PM**

**F1NNxROSE** : the fac claims another victim

 **businessman** : at this point we're running out of room so

 **BIGQ** : please dear god someone save us

 **businessman** : nah

 **chilltiredbi** : better than the birds

 **chilltiredbi** : fuck you skeppy

 **skippy** : THEFAC CLAIMS ANOTHe R VICTIM!!!!!!


	64. [BIGQ: we're in a fucking storage closet watching icarly]

**5:59 PM**

**badboyhello** : skeppy

 **badboyhello** : what did you do?

 **skippy** : uHJFHHDH HEY BAD

 **skippy** : IT IS NT WHAT IT LO(OIKS LIKE

 **skippy** : :D

 **megapvp** : he flooded the college with pigeons

 **F1NNxROSE** : i saw a goose

 **businessman** : a

 **F1NNxROSE** : schlatt is screaming now it's so fuckFUGHN LOUD

 **NOTafurry** : this is all just one big prank to get me to go to the fac isn't it

 **NOTafurry** : it isn't gonna work

 **chilltiredbi** : no fundy it is legitimately not

 **BIGQ** : we're in a fucking storage closet watching icarly

 **BIGQ** : _[image sent]_

 **dreamlmao** : LMAO WHY DOES FINN LOOK DISGUSTED

 **dreamlmao** : IS SCHLATTS HAND ON QUACKITYS ASS?????

 **dreamlmao** : W H A T

 **gogy** : ERET ARE YOU CRYING????

 **chilltiredbi** : not yet

 **gogy** : I HATE THAT SMILE

 **dreamlmao** : THIS IS MY NEW BACKGRONUND

 **NOTafurry** : so you guys really just jammed yourselves in a storage closet for that pic

 **BIGQ** : WE'RE FUCKING STUCK IN HERE

 **chilltiredbi** : yeah it locks from the outside

 **businessman** : we cannot get out

 **F1NNxROSE** : it's a shame but 

**F1NNxROSE** : it was worth it to escape the pigeons 

**niki** ♥: wilbur just tilted his head back and screamed "PIGEEEEOOOONS"

 **niki** ♥: look what you've done

 **F1NNxROSE** : hey it isn't my fault he's unhinged 

**F1NNxROSE** : that's just wilbur

 **businessman** : god he's so cute

 **businessman** : kiss him for me

 **niki** ♥: n

 **niki** ♥: no?

 **businessman** : :(

 **dreamlmao** : schlatt not everyone is as in love with wilbur as you are

 **gogy** : ^^^^

 **dreamlmao** : stfu when you first met him you begged me for his number

 **gogy** : IFUCMIGN DIDNT

 **sippycup** : LMAOOOOO

 **sippycup** : GET EXPOSED GOGY

 **megapvp** : what episode are you on

 **businessman** : like

 **niki** ♥: 94

 **niki** ♥: three left to go

 **businessman** : ok no need to flex jfc

 **businessman** : we are on 3

 **niki** ♥: wilbur's binged this show at least three times now 

**Philza** : Yeah he really likes iCarly

* * *

Fundy isn't a coward.

He frowns at the sound of a honk, turning to face the FAC as he passes it. He hears the soft coo of pigeons, wings fluttering gently. Eerily close to him. 

Fundy slowly turns to face the FAC, breathing out when he sees a..

 _Oh fuck, oh no_.

There's a fucking..a _goose_. Just standing there, just staring at him. He hears a chitter, turns to look at.. _pigeons_. There's so many fucking pigeons. How the fuck did..

"Fuck!" Fundy shouts, diving out of the way when the goose starts to _run_. "No!" He screams, sprinting down the hallway. He spots the storage closet, his heart dropping to the bottom of his stomach. No fucking way is he going in there. No way. He hears the goose honk again, _way_ too close for comfort, and-

 _Shit_. He's got no where else to go. Fundy swallows his pride and spins on his heels, slamming open the door to the storage closet. 

He tries to shut the door as fast as he can, breathing out when he finally does. 

"Oh," Quackity whispers. "Oh, no."

"What?" Fundy turns to look at him, and..

 _Honk_.

* * *

**6:22 PM**

**businessman** : _[image sent]_

 **businessman** : his name is утка

 **technopig** : is that a

 **Philza** : How the fuck

 **zelk!** : skeppy how did you get a goose

 **skippy** : uHHH thta wasnt me 

**skippy** : thats noty mjne 

**businessman** : he's my son

 **businessman** : утка

 **businessman** has changed **GAMER RAGE** to **утка**

 **businessman** : утка


	65. [Philza: Fucker was so intrigued about Fox & the Hound]

**6:30 PM**

**Philza** : I just remembered something fucking hilarious 

**Philza** : One time Will, Niki, and Schlatt were all watching the fox & the hound and Niki & Schlatt started to argue 

**Philza** : At some point Niki pulled out a knife and almost stabbed Schlatt, and Schlatt got out his fucking airsoft glock 

**Philza** : Will was just in the middle of all of this just shoving goddamn Cheez-its in his mouth without even blinking and these two are just shrieking at each other

 **Philza** : Fucker was so intrigued about Fox & the Hound 

**businessman** : to be fair it was nikis fault

 **niki** ♥: how was it my fault

 **niki** ♥: you brought up wanting to break into the college and flood it with squirrels 

**businessman** : yeah and it would have been funny as fuck 

**businessman** : but ohhhh noooo you just so angry about it

 **businessman** : trying to stab me in the throat at all that shit 

**niki** ♥: YOU PULLED OUT THE GLOCK

 **businessman** : IT DOESNT HGAVE FUCKING BULLETS

 **businessman** : I WASNT GOING TO SHOOT YOU

 **businessman** : YOU WERE GOING TO STAB ME TO DEATH WTF ??????? 

**dreamlmao** : NIKI HAS KNIVES??

 **F1NNxROSE** : judging by the terror on schlatts face rn 

**F1NNxROSE** : yes

 **F1NNxROSE** : i also collect knives

 **TOES** : we are well aware

 **TOES** : anyways

 **TOES** : hey @badboyhello @skippy

 **TOES** : when are u guys gonna kiss

 **skippy** has removed **TOES** from **утка**

 **skippy** : jwy is the gs naed ukaa 

**businessman** : it's утка

 **businessman** : named after my son

 **chilltiredbi** : ??? can someone get us out of the storage closet

 **NOTafurry** : i hate it here

 **BIGQ** : as do i

 **NOTafurry** : oh stfu i see you making heart eyes at schlatt

 **BIGQ** : ME PERDONAS???????

**7:02 PM**

**chilltiredbi** : this is a cry for help

 **gogy** : no

 **sippycup** : denied 

**dreamlmao** : that's an off topic question

 **chilltiredbi** : i hate all of you

**7:08 PM**

**businessman** : утка is getting angry

 **dreamlmao** : what

 **businessman** : he wants out

 **businessman** : i think he and monopoly would get along well

 **dreamlmao** : oh 

**dreamlmao** : i think so too i'll be right there

 **chilltiredbi** : ??????

 **dreamlmao** : no i'm not getting you out lol

 **dreamlmao** : i just want schlatt & утка

 **NOTafurry** : ???????? FUCK YOU

 **BIGQ** : FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **BIGQ** : BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

 **dreamlmao** : stfu flatty patty

 **BIGQ** : A*UUGUYGAGSFHJFG

 **BIGQ** has left **утка**

 **dreamlmao** has added **BIGQ** to **утка**

 **dreamlmao** has changed **BIGQ** 's username to **flatty patty**

 **flatty patty** : im going to commit mass genocide 

**businessman** : AHAHHAHAHA FLATTY PATTY

 **flatty patty** has changed their username to **BIGQ**

 **BIGQ** : FUCK YOU JFLATT 

**7:23 PM**

**businessman** : dream where the fuck are you

 **dreamlmao** : omw chill jflatt

 **businessman** : fuck you

**7:49 PM**

**businessman** : dream.

 **dreamlmao** : i'll be there eventually 

**businessman** : it's been like 20 minutes since you said that last time

 **dreamlmao** : i'm a busy guy schlatt let me fucking take my time jesus christ

 **F1NNxROSE** : we're gonna fuckin finish icarly by the time you get here

 **BIGQ** : i'll play it from my phone next since schlatt's being picked up by his date

 **dreamlmao** : ew

 **businessman** : ew

 **businessman** : i only have eyes for literally every man but dream

 **businessman** : specifically wilbur and flatty patty

 **BIGQ** : FUCK YOU

**8:08 PM**

**businessman** : DREAM.

 **chilltired** : give it a rest he isn't going to show up

 **businessman** : well then eret

 **businessman** : kick down the fucking door

 **BIGQ** : you two are literally sitting right next to each other why don't you speak

 **F1NNxROSE** : why didn't you verbally say this

 **NOTafurry** : haha get fucked

 **gogy** : you are all so fucking weird

 **gogy** : i hate all of you

 **megapvp** : jesus fucking christ goddamn fucking motherfucker

 **megapvp** : i'll be there in ten minutes if it gets you all to shut the fuck up

 **chilltiredbi** : THANK YOU MEGA

 **megapvp** : shut the fuck up


	66. [megapvp: don't talk to me]

**8:21 PM**

**businessman** : mega?

 **megapvp** : don't talk to me

 **zelk!** : he's on his way dw

 **zelk!** : he just left my place

 **beaverbitch** : we were having family game night

 **tapltired** : you punched zak after monopoly 

**dreamlmao** : MONOPOLY???

 **tapltired** : the game not the gator

 **dreamlmao** : boring 

**niki** ♥: will is better 

**businessman** : is he rewatched icarly again

 **niki** ♥: yes

 **niki** ♥: of course he is

 **megapvp** : omw 

* * *

Mega is going to murder every single one of them, and he isn't even at the college yet. 

He slams open the door, pushing his way through the halls. Thank god there aren't as many people around. Night classes aren't nearly as fun as they seemed. Mega makes his way to the FAC, staring at the birds there. 

Those aren't fucking pigeons. 

Those are _magpies_. No wonder his friends, "friends", almost fucking died. Where the hell did Skeppy get _magpies_? Whatever, it isn't his problem. He watches as a magpie stares down at him, its eyes narrowed. He raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms. The magpie looks away for a second. Good. Mega moves to go to the storage closet, following the sound of iCarly. He can hear Schlatt and Quackity talking about something, and he thinks that he hears Fundy complaining. Mega turns around, watching as a few of the magpies flutter out behind him.

He really did plan on rescuing them, since they wouldn't shut the fuck up. 

But..

Mega smiles, shoving his hands in his pocket for a second. He stands in front of the door, ideas wracking his brain. Well, they kind of deserve it. Mega knocks on the door. 

"Oh, thank fuck," Fundy breathes out, and he can hear shuffling. "Mega, that you?" Another knock. "Sweet, sweet. Okay, uh..it should just open from the outside. If it doesn't, you can see the lock on the handle," Mega hears a honk. "Fuck! This goddamn goose is..it's fucking.."

"His _name_ is _утка_. утка is a very good boy," Schlatt booms. "He's a sweetheart! See? Pet him!"

"No!" Fundy shouts. "Fuck you! Mega, can you- please, man? I'm going insane."

"Oh, _you're_ going insane," Eret scoffs. "I've been in here with him since the beginning."

"He's had his hand on my ass the entire time!" Quackity protests.

Schlatt snorts. "Nah, that's definitely Finn. Not until after marriage, Big Q." 

Mega closes his eyes. 

"Mega?"

Yeah, no. Rescuing them is the last thing he wants to do. He turns around to face the army of magpies that have gather behind him, smiling. He gestures towards the door, watching as they shift. Good. 

Mega opens the door-

* * *

-and Eret watches as it slams shut. 

He shouts, throwing himself off of the ground, immediately putting himself in front of Quackity, who looks like he's about to shit himself. "Fuck!" He wheezes, watching as a flurry of feathers appears in front of him. "Mega! You fucking asshole!" He laughs, even though he's in agony. Eret isn't sure if he's actually angry or if it's for the bit, but he thinks it's a mix of both. He feels a bird ram into his shoulder, wincing. "Fuck!" Eret shouts again, trying to push past them all.

"Eret!" Schlatt shouts, his voice somehow distant, even though they're right next to each other. "Eret, the boots! The _boots_! Open the fucking door! Open the door!" 

"Fuck!" Finn ducks away from the onslaught. "Eret, open the door! Kick it down, kick it fucking down! There's so many of them!" 

Eret pushes to the front, raising his foot, and slamming it into the door. He watches as it puffs out for a second, before returning to normal. "Hit it harder than that!" Quackity whines. "Come on! Come on, hit the fucking door! Get the fucking door down! I'm gonna die, we're gonna die here!"

"It's okay, Big Q," Schlatt laughs, his voice strained. "At least you've got the fa-" Eret kicks the door again, disappointment flooding through him when it doesn't come down. "Listen to me, Big Q."

"Y- yeah, Schlatt?" Eret hears Schlatt breathe in.

"Flatty...patty.."

Eret hears Quackity scream. He feels hands on his shoulders, feels himself being moved. He watches as Quackity slams his foot into the door, he watches as it flies back, the hallway showing itself. 

Holy _shit_.

* * *

**9:22 PM**

**chilltiredbi** : we uh

 **NOTafurry** : we made it out

 **NOTafurry** : FUCK YOU MEGA!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **F1NNxROSE** : i knew it was gonna happen

 **F1NNxROSE** : i fucking knew it 

**chilltiredbi** : schlatt did you do that on purpose?

 **businessman** : nah i needed my last words to be flatty patty

 **BIGQ** : FUcK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **businessman** : worth it

 **technopig** : i left to go hang out with fruit and this happened

 **fruit** : dw i was keeping an eye on the gc

 **fruit** : what eret described sounds akin to magpies so i think they just got the shit beat out of them via avian squads 

**chilltiredbi** : yeah

 **NOTafurry** : basically

 **F1NNxROSE** : it was shit

 **BIGQ** : FYCK OY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **businessman** : i thought they were pigeons 


	67. [sippycup: keep monopoly the fuck away from me perdonas]

**2:02 AM**

**dreamlmao** : sorry about not rescuing you guys

 **dreamlmao** : monopoly wanted to go for a walk

 **businessman** : off leash???

 **dreamlmao** : no wtf

 **dreamlmao** : i got him a harness 

**businessman** : i didn't expect you to

 **gogy** : neither did i

 **sippycup** : keep monopoly the fuck away from me perdonas

 **sippycup** : they are my children now

 **NOTafurry** : you birthed them?

 **sippycup** : that's a stupid question

 **sippycup** : of course i did 

**karl** : i bought the set up :)

 **technopig** : father

 **Philza** : Yes

 **technopig** : floof?

 **Philza** : He's waiting for you in your room

 **technopig** : can you unlock the door

 **Philza** : You've got a key

 **technopig** : but it's in my pocket

 **Philza** : Oh my god 

**Philza** : You'll break through the window any other time

 **technopig** : :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : NAH KEEP HIM OUT

 **technopig** : slide

 **BEES!** : BUZZ SAW!

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FUCK YOU

 **Philza** : It's unlocked 

**technopig** : thank you :)

 **businessman** : 1 - 10 how poorly is wilmbur schot doing 

**niki** ♥: probably a 3

 **niki** ♥: he's sleeping

 **businessman** : again??

 **niki** ♥: yes

 **niki** ♥: he's got a concussion schlatt of course he's going to sleep

 **businessman** : well yeah i just didnt think the fucker would sleep this much

 **businessman** : lazy ass

 **Philza** : Did you poison him with the "warm cereal"

 **businessman** : only with love 

**6:02 AM**

**NOTafurry** : the magpies have been removed 

**chilltiredbi** : ? how 

**chilltiredbi** : that was awfully fast 

**NOTafurry** : it was

 **NOTafurry** : well he's got the fattest ass in the cabinet 

**businessman** : oh fla

 **businessman** : 1 - 10 how angry is he

 **NOTafurry** : he's fl*tty p*tty level of angry 

**BIGQ** : WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY

 **NOTafurry** : FATTEST ASS FATTEST ASS IM SOO BNSBAHJAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **chilltiredbi** : i heard shrieking 

**chilltiredbi** : i hear thumping 

**F1NNxROSE** : oh no

 **businessman** : my son & i are doing perfectly thank you for asking 

**6:33 AM**

**BIGQ** : the furry has been conquered 


	68. [BIGQ: dont you fucking dare]

**7:02 AM**

**NOTafurry** : this is bullshit 

**BIGQ** : yeah fuck you bitch

 **BIGQ** : you know what the hell you did

 **NOTafurry** : I CENSORED IT

 **BIGQ** : YOU DONT SAY THAT TSHIT IN GNENRHENHEKLSAA

 **buisnessman** : ...

 **businessman** : flatty

 **BIGQ** : dont you fucking dare

 **businessman** : patty

 **BIGQ** : YIUR ENEST

 **wolburscoot** : AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy

 **wolburscoot** : i can use my phone for 3 minutes withojut having crippling abony 

**dreamlmao** : without crippling what

 **wolburscoot** : yes

 **businessman** : niki you're clearly not keeping an eye on him

 **businessman** : i hid his phone under the couch

 **wolburscoot** : my arms are long enpugh to reach

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : why the fucks he typing like that

 **technopig** : he has a concussion tommy

 **Philza** : No no Tommy has a point 

**wolburscoot** : fauuachk you

 **businessman** : oh god oh no

 **BIGQ:** YEYAHHH BTICH BET YOU DIDNT THINK ID DI IT

 **dreamlmao** : he's illiterate 

**BEES!** : he is worst then i am! :D

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : well big qs not dyslexic 

**dreamlmao** : no no hes got a point tomathy 

**dreamlmao** : tubbo you are doing excellently i love you

 **businessman** : i also love you

 **chilltiredbi** : same

 **chilltiredbi** : you are the best 

**dreamlmao** : hey fuck off he was my little brother first

 **chilltiredbi** : wrong

 **businessman** : you're both wrong actually

 **Philza** : He's basically my son

 **Philza** : So are you Schlatt

 **businessman** : AUhAJHAHSHDFH

 **businessman** : nah i don't need parents 

**buisnessman** : i've got утка

 **businessman** : he's all i need

 **businessman** : i see the joys of parenthood 

**BIGQ** : who's the dad

 **businessman** : me

 **businessman** : you're also his dad

 **BIGQ** : WHAT

 **BIGQ** : HWA???

 **businessman** : you heard me

**8:02 AM**

**Philza** : Sapnap you've got 19 missing assignments 

**sippycup** : phil i have a concussion 

**Philza** : ??? You got stabbed, Wilbur's the one with the concussion

 **sippycup** : sorry i mistake myself as wilbur a lot 

**sippycup** : phil i got stabbed 

**Philza** : In the legf

 **Philza** : You can use your hands 

**sippycup** : damn right i can

 **Philza** : Sapnap

 **sippycup** : ;)

 **wolburscoot** : whats 

**wolburscoot** : whats a magpie 

**businessman** : i'll bring you one when i come to visit

 **Philza** : You will NOT

 **businessman** : ;)

 **wolburscoot** : i like birds

 **wolburscoot** : pigeeons :)

 **businessman** : god he's delusional 

**technopig** : wilbur 

**wolburscoot** : ?

 **technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **wolburscoot** : A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **wolburscoot** : PIGEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **wolburscoot** : i think im going to pass ot 

**wolburscoot** : goodnight pigeosn <3

 **gogy** : what the fuck


	69. [me: haha funney number]




	70. [sippycup: seriously tho who tf got me these hamsters]

**9:23 AM**

**niki** ♥: techno

 **businessman** : ohhh niki stfu you think that this is just a you problem

 **niki** ♥: he won't stop talking about pigeons 

**technopig** : _[image sent]_

 **niki** ♥: his phone is on the charger rn

 **businessman** : whos texting me then

 **dreamlmao** : that's me

 **dreamlmao** : :)

 **dreamlmao** : wanna see monopoly

 **gogy** : you need to get rid of the fucking gator

 **sippycup** : hamspter 

**sippycup** : seriously tho who tf got me these hamsters 

**karl** : :)

 **dreamlmao** : wasnt me this time

 **gogy** : idfc enough to do that

 **BIGQ** : get the saw tubbo

 **BEES!** : but tommy is rite next to me? 

**BIGQ** : not for him

 **BIGQ** : for the furry

 **BEES!** : OHH!!!! OK!!!!

 **NOTafurry** : this is just fuckin bullying

 **BIGQ** : stfu bitch

 **BIGQ** : at least i'm getting you out 

**chilltiredbi** : i watched you put him in there

 **BIGQ** : well he deserved it 

**10:33 AM**

**dreamlmao** : just ate a magpie, feeling good

 **gogy** : WHAT

 **dreamlmao** : you heard me

 **dreamlmao** : me n monopoly got a SNACK

 **technpig** : *monopoly & i 

**dreamlmao** : shut up ENGLISH MAJOR

 **wolburscoot** : shhh english cool

 **dreamlmao** : wilbur go away you have a concussion 

**wolburscoot** : no <3

 **wolburscoot** : i cam jhere to flirt with gogy

 **gogy** : no 

**gogy** : go away

 **gogy** : i'm too cool for you

 **gogy** : whats that word that means like

 **wolburscoot** : sexy?

 **gogy** : no 

**wolburscoot** : marriable? hot? stunning? smart and attractive?

 **gogy** : WILBUR

 **wolburscoot** : that time you came to brighton and i fell in love with you?

 **Philza** : Yeah he's definitely feeling better if he can flirt with George

 **Philza** : Niki just put on iCarly for him again and he'll be good

 **Philza** : Or Victorious 

**megapvp** : i remember watching that

 **skippy** : meq aas well

 **skippy** : wannam watch it w me

 **megapvp** : just die dude

 **skippy** : :(

 **megapvp** : :)

 **dreamlmao** : we never actually had that movie night

 **dreamlmao** : let's do that

 **NOTafurry** : TETRWASE PLANET? 


	71. [Philza: Why is it always my house]

**11:00 AM**

**NOTafurry** : we're doing this at sleepybois house

 **Philza** : Wh

 **Philza** : Why is it always my house

 **technopig** : i'll be right there

 **technopig** : technoplane 

**niki** ♥: i'll drag wilbur over

 **businessman** : i'll be there in a sec to help

 **dreamlmao** : we're not watching tr**sure pl*net 

**NOTafurry** : YES EYWE QARW!!!!

 **BIGQ** : what the fuck is treasure planet 

**businessman** : idk but fundy is obsessed w it 

**gogy** : it's like 

**gogy** : idk it's basically science fiction 

**gogy** : this guy is like "wow i want to go to this planet" and everyone is like "no it doesn't exist" and then he does

 **sippycup** : you're hot when you talk like that

 **wolburscoot** : agreed

 **dreamlmao** : also agreed

 **karl** : ???

 **sippycup** : dw babe ily more than anything 

**BIGQ** : ok lol

 **sippycup** : the fuck is that supposed to mean bitch

 **BIGQ** : what, has karl not told you?

 **karl** : brb

 **karl** has left **утка**

 **BIGQ** : ohhh no you fucking dont 

**BIGQ** has added **karl** to **утка**

 **BIGQ** : you stay right here

 **sippycup** : karl.

 **NOTafurry** : TEASUR PKANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**11:29 AM**

**Philza** : We've got Beautiful Finn & The Rest, Dream Team, and the Sleepybois + Eret, Niki, Fundy, and Tubbo

 **Philza** : And also Schlatt

 **Philza** : Quackity, Sapnap, and Karl, where the fuck are you

 **BIGQ** : love triangle 

**sippycup** : IT SINT A FUCKIGN LOVE TRIANGLE HE LOVE SME MORE THAN IYOU

 **BIGQ** : see what i mean karl he's so loud and annoying 

**technopig** : can you just hurry up already 

**BIGQ** : oH OF COUS EYES EYS SIR TEDHCNIOMAN OF COURSE WE CAN !!

 **technopig** : what?

 **businessman** : he's afraid of you

 **BIGQ** : nO IMN DFBNJTI!!!!

 **businessman** : use it against him

 **businessman** : if you called him flatty patty i think he'd die on spot 

**technopig** : noted

* * *

Movie night is weird. 

It isn't even nighttime, and everyone is insistent on calling it movie night. Quackity sighs, leaning up against Schlatt's shoulder. Karl is on the other side of the room with Sapnap, who's been giving him dirty looks the entire night. Wilbur is sprawled out across both Niki and Schlatt, his head resting in Phil's lap. Techno is snuggled up to Phil's side, and Tommy is reluctantly sat next to him, with Tubbo sleeping on his shoulder. Dream and George are in one of Phil's armchairs, and Eret is half-asleep at the kitchen table. Fundy's sat on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest as he stares at the T.V. Quackity can't fucking believe that he's so obsessed with this movie, but whatever.

Tapl and Spifey are also on the floor, with Tapl being passed out. Vurb's sat in Zelk's lap, and Quackity feels bad for him. Finn is talking with Mega, and Quackity honestly isn't sure where the fuck Skeppy went. Bad is sat in one of Phil's bean bags with Rat in his lap, and Skeppy is..nowhere to be seen. Quackity really isn't surprised. 

"The good bit is starting!" Fundy whisper-shouts, turning around to grin up at Wilbur. Wilbur just smiles back down at him, his eyes shining. Quackity doesn't know when Fundy became Wilbur's kid, but he's just learnt to accept it. Floof is right up against Techno's chest, quietly snoring. He sighs when he sees a fucking hamster ball roll out from the kitchen, watching as one of the Me Perdonas runs around in it. Monopoly is sound asleep at Dream's feet, and утка is dangerously close to knocking over a vase on the kitchen table. 

Quackity sighs, looking back at the screen. 

How the fuck did this happen to him? 


	72. [BIGQ: so uhhh]

**4:09 AM**

_conversation between_ **BIGQ** _and_ **chilltiredbi**

 **BIGQ** : eret

 **chilltiredbi** : yes big q

 **BIGQ** : everyone is still passed out minus us 

**chilltiredbi** : yes

 **BIGQ** : so uhhh

 **BIGQ** : teach me how to make pancakes

 **chilltiredbi** : why do you assume that i know

 **BIGQ** : idk do you?

 **chilltiredbi** : vaguely 

**BIGQ** : good enough for me 

**chilltiredbi** : fine come into the kitchen but be quiet 

**BIGQ** : no promises

 **BIGQ** : ok i love you

 **chilltiredbi** : <3

* * *

Teaching Quackity how to make pancakes is harder than Eret thought it would be. He didn't think that Quackity would be so into the bit, but he is, and Eret is trying his damn hardest to not laugh his ass off. Everyone else is still sleeping, and he isn't sure if he even went to sleep. When _Treasure Planet_ ended, Phil put on _The Fox And The Hound_ , which Wilbur fell asleep to. Niki and Schlatt passed out after that since they didn't have to be awake for Wilbur anymore. Eret is glad that Wilbur has them. He remembers meeting Wilbur in primary, and seeing how tired and nervous he was. And then there was Schlatt right by his side, dragging him more and more out of his shell. Eret's proud of how far he's come. He's proud of all of them.

"So.." Quackity murmurs, holding up a measuring cup. "What's this called?" Eret stares at him. Maybe he isn't as proud of Quackity as he thought he was. 

"A measuring cup," Eret says smoothly, refusing to miss a beat. He knows damn well that Quackity is joking, but..well, is he? Eret honestly can never tell with him, which is impressive in its own way. "Go check the fridge to see if Phil has any Monsters," Eret murmurs, his voice as soft as he can make it. He doesn't really live off of energy drinks, but he has a feeling he might need to drink thirty of them before everyone else wakes up. "Please and thank you." He adds. 

Quackity nods, shuffling off. Eret spares a glance over at the living room, smiling at the sight. George is snuggled up to Dream, his head resting on Dream's chest. Eret knows damn well that he's going to be so embarrassed when he wakes up, and it's going to be hilarious. Sapnap is on the ground with Karl sprawled out on top of him, and Eret doesn't understand how they got from the chair to the ground, but whatever. Niki, Schlatt, and Wilbur are all squished together, and Techno is still snuggling up to Phil. Tommy is resting on Phil's lap, the rest of his body spanning across techno and Tubbo. 

Finn, Zelk, and Vurb are all curled up in a pile in front of the couch, with Fundy a few metres away. Bad and Skeppy are sleeping on the bean bag together, and Eret isn't actually sure where Mega is. He probably left sometime in the middle of the night. "Here," Quackity hands him a Monster, the tab already flipped up. "He's got like, an entire fuckin' stash in there, dude. Do you think it's for Wilbur?"

"Probably," Eret snorts, glancing over at the stove. "Tommy drinks way too much Coca-Cola to drink anything other than it, so.." he pauses, smiling over at his friends. God, they're so stupid. He loves them. "I think Techno only drinks the blood of his enemies. Are you _really_ scared of him?" Quackity shrugs, muttering something under his breath. "Oh my god. Quackity, he's just a big softie. Look at him!" Eret gestures over to the man, who's curled up next to his dad, snuggling his dog in his arms. "His dog, _Floof_. Look at Floof, Quackity. Floof is extremely small and tiny, and Techno is cradling him like a baby. It's adorable."

"Adorable is _not_ a descriptive word for _Technoblade_ ," Quackity mutters, crossing his arms and scowling down at his feet. "Fuck you. You're just a simp."

"For Techno?" Eret giggles, bumping Quackity with his hip. "I simp for no one other than myself, Big Q."

* * *

George wakes up to the smell of toast, eggs, and pancakes. He groggily shifts himself to the side, wondering why the hell he's so warm. "What.." he blinks when he sees another person under him, frowning immediately when he realises that person is Dream. 

"Disgusting," Sapnap murmurs, gagging. George is going to beat the shit out of him. "I can't believe you fell asleep on him. You're so gross, George."

"Karl is literally sleeping on top of you."

Sapnap grins. "Karl's my homie, George. Nothing wrong with homies sleeping on homies." George sighs, going to get down. He frowns when he sees Monopoly curled up at Dream's feet, and decides against it. 

"The fucking.." he groans. "This goddamn alligator." 

"I think he's very sweet," Sapnap smiles. "Very polite. He didn't even try to eat утка. Or Me Perdonas. I think that there actually might be eight Me Perdonas. I'm not sure."

"I can't fucking believe you named them all Me Perdonas," George mutters, even though he definitely can believe it. "Quackity's just rotted your brain. He lives there rent free."

"No," Sapnap disagrees. "He does not. He pays me so much money to live there. Also, they're making breakfast," he nods over to the kitchen, and George turns his head. Ah, that's why he smelled food. "They won't make bacon 'cause Quackity is afraid of Techno."

"I'm not fucking.." 

George laughs, letting himself lay back down on Dream's chest. Movie night could have gone a lot worse.

* * *

**6:28 AM**

_conversation between_ **dreamlmao** _and_ **gogy**

 **dreamlmao** : ily

 **gogy** : i'm literally right here

 **dreamlmao** : ....

 **dreamlmao** : ily <3

 **gogy** : sigh

 **gogy** : ily2

 **gogy** : sometimes

 **dreamlmao** : :(

 **gogy** : ok ok whatever fine ily all the time i GUESS

 **gogy** : anyways move the fucking gator

 **dreamlmao** : his name is MONOPOLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

Breakfast goes as well as it can. 

Schlatt can't manage to drag Wilbur off of him, so he just eats breakfast on the couch, and it reminds him of when they were younger. 

Dream ends up shoving George off of the chair, laughing his ass off when he screams. Monopoly is entirely unphased, and just goes back to napping a second later. 

Sapnap swears that he'll fight Quackity for Karl's love, and it ends up dissolving into a political marriage agreement. 

Eret mostly just talks with Niki, Tubbo, and Fundy, laughing at Fundy's excitement over finally watching _Treasure Planet_. 

Finn is unfortunately trapped under Vurb, who spoon-feeds him toast. 

Mega comes back to the house with three bags of McDonald's, figuring that that would be his payment for staying in Phil's house for the night. (Phil accepts the offering.)

Techno stumbles up to his room with Floof, deciding to pass out instead of eating. (Phil saves him some pancakes.)

Tommy and Tubbo argue over what they should watch, with Tommy wanting to finally watch iCarly, and Tubbo very adamantly trying to watch the Pokemon anime. (Phil puts on Victorious.) 

Quackity ends up making fun of Bad and Skeppy as they eat, pitching his voice up to ungodly high levels. 

Wilbur feels much better, but he'll pretend like he doesn't, just so he doesn't have to get up. He likes the attention, he'll admit it. 

Niki is well aware that Wilbur's just playing it up at this point, but she'll pretend like he isn't. (Schlatt is also very, very aware.)

It's nice. 


	73. [gogy: why the fuck did you keep them]

**9:45 AM**

**dreamlmao** : that was lovely

 **dreamlmao** : monopoly had such a good time 

**businessman** : as did утка

 **sippycup** : was literally anyone going to tell me that hamster balls are bad for hamsters 

**sippycup** : what the fuck. 

**sippycup** : i'm so angry

 **sippycup** : i'm buying them a massive playpen what the fuck dude??????

 **karl** : it's ok sapnap you didn't know we all make mistakes

 **karl** : you're making up for it <3

 **sippycup** : yeah but i'm angry

 **dreamlmao** : you have all three of them?

 **sippycup** : yeah

 **gogy** : why the fuck did you keep them

 **gogy** : you don't even know who got them for you

 **dreamlmao** : it genuinely wasn't me

 **karl** : it also wasn't me

 **Philza** : None of my kids or Niki/Schlatt did it either

 **Philza** : Beautiful Finn & The Rest?

 **F1NNxROSE** : do you think i care enough

 **F1NNxROSE** : my main concern in life is vurb

 **F1NNxROSE** : speaking up

 **F1NNxROSE** has added **TOES** to **утка**

 **TOES** : TOOOOOES

 **megapvp** : why the hell did you

 **megapvp** : it was so nice without him

 **gogy** : ^^^^

**11:22 AM**

**wolburscoot** : pigeon

 **technopig** : good mornin to you too wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : i am very tired :D

 **wolburscoot** : i think i am going to collapse 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : i'll go get you a monster big man

 **wolburscoot** : make it five

 **Philza** : NO

 **Philza** : Get him water

 **wolburscoot** : i'll roll down the stairs myself

 **businessman** : phil he's fine 

**businessman** : the little shit just likes attention

 **wolburscoot** : :(

 **busienssman** : dont look at me like that 

**1:49 PM**

**dreamlmao** : i'm getting monopoly a harness 

**sippycup** : no

 **gogy** : goddammit 

**karl** : take him on walks!!

 **badboyhello** : owo?

 **badboyhello** : would he like to say hi to rat?

 **dreamlmao** : no he doesn't like your dog

 **dreamlmao** : he likes me perdonas & floof 

**businessman** : утка?

 **dreamlmao** : no

 **businessman** : why the fuck not

 **businessman** : my son is such a good boy

 **gogy** : he stole my fucking goggles??

 **karl** : and my hoodie

 **BIGQ** : and my beanie 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : also my phone

 **businessman** : aww he's teething 


	74. [sippycup: @karl @BIGQ can i kiss dream]

**2:46 PM**

**dreamlmao** : i want to go into the forest and climb a tree

 **gogy** : then go out to the forest i'm literally not going to stop you

 **gogy** : no one here is

 **sippycup** : can i get a kiss before i leave

 **BIGQ** : dude you have to fuckin ask before you add to the relationship

 **sippycup** : oh fuck ur right sorry

 **sippycup** : @karl @BIGQ can i kiss dream

 **BIGQ** : of course you can babe

 **karl** : yes

 **dreamlmao** : ?????

 **gogy** : when the fuck did you make a poly relationship 

**BIGQ** : political marriage 

**businessman** : politics?

 **dreamlmao** : go away

 **businessman** : fine i'll go kiss wilbur

 **wolburscoot** : do not

 **technopig** : great to see youre doin better

 **wolburscoot** : what?

 **wolburscoot** : oh i mean

 **wolburscoot** : PIGEON

 **technopig** : too late i already know you're back to normal

 **technopig** : technoplane

 **Philza** : Do not Technoplane your brother

 **Philza** : Give him another day or so 

**technopig** : fine

 **technopig** : can i beat up the child

 **Philza** : Yeah just don't get the cops called

 **technopig** : i never do

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : WHAT THE FUCK?????

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : I'M GONNA START PISSING LAVA IF YOU KEEP THIS UP

 **technopig** : you're gonna what 

**BEES!** : YOU HERD HIM! 

**KILLEDAWOMAN** : YEAH YOU TELL HIM BIG MAN

 **technopig** : do you want to get in the slide yourself or do you want me to put you there

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : FUCK YOU

 **technopig** : tommy

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : fine fuck you i'll get in the fucking slide by my fucking self 

**technopig** : good

**4:20 PM**

**sippycup** : AYYYY

 **karl** : AYYYYY

 **BIGQ** : AYYYY

 **dreamlmao** : AYYYY

 **gogy** : no

 **dreamlmao** : :(

 **gogy** : that's an off topic question

 **gogy** : no

 **gogy** : denied

 **gogy** : you have been stopped


	75. [ANGRY: FUCK YOU]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minx | ANGRY  
> ranboo | walmart techno

**5:28 PM**

**dreamlmao** has added **ANGRY** to **утка**

 **ANGRY** : WHAT THE FVUCK

 **ANGRY** : WHY THE FUCJ WAS I KICKED

 **NOTafurry** : YOU TALKED ABOUT THE FAC

 **ANGRY** : I WNTED TO FUcKING KNOW

 **ANGRY** : FUCK YIY

 **dreamlmao** has added **walmart techno** to **утка**

 **walmart techno** : oh no

 **walmart techno** : uhhh

 **dreamlmao** : hello minx, hello ranboo

 **dreamlmao** : welcome to hell once more

 **gogy** : why would you drag them back here

 **sippycup** : well minx adds a spice of pure rage

 **ANGRY** : FUCK YOU

 **karl** : ranboo is anxiety on legs :)

 **BIGQ** : can we talk about minx in a wheelchair 

**wolburscoot** : ???

 **BIGQ** : whats that about

 **ANGRY** : i broke my foot

 **BIGQ** : how

 **ANGRY** : stairs

**8:45 PM**

**wolburscoot** : i fucking hate anteaters so fucking much

 **technopig** : why

 **wolburscoot** : _[image sent]_

 **wolburscoot** : FUCKING LOOK AT THEM

 **technopig** : ah i see

 **wolburscoot** : if i had one wish it would be to rid the world of anteaters 

**walmart techno** : not like

 **walmart techno** : serial killers?

 **wolburscoot** : no

 **wolburscoot** : fuck anteaters 

**businessman** : literally or figuratively 

**wolburscoot** : die


	76. [KILLEDAWOMAN: YOU ARE JUST FARMING AWES]

**3:02 AM**

**walmart technoblade** : do you ever think about squirrels 

**wolburscoot** : no

 **technopig** : yes

 **dreamlmao** : all the time

 **gogy** : what the fuck

 **ANGRY** : i think id beat a squirrel to death with my bare hands

 **Philza** : No I don't think abusing tiny animals 

**wolburscoot** : ranboo didnt say you had to /abuse/ it, father

 **Philza** : You are the worst

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : squirrels are dumb

 **BEES!** : DISAGREED!!!!!

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : you are dumb

 **BEES!** : THAT HURTS MY FEELINGS TOMMYINNIT!!!! :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : YOU ARE JUST FARMING AWES 

**chilltiredbi** : it's tubbo, it's what he does :) 

**tapltired** : ^^^^

 **tapltired** : at least its not 

**tapltired** : not even going to say it

 **TOES** : i heard my name

 **tapltired:** god fucking dammit

 **beaverbitch** : it's easier to just give into him ngl 

**beaverbitch** : #skephalo

 **TOES** : YEAHHHHHH SKEPPY TAUGHT BADBOYHALO HOW TO SEX

 **beaverbitch** : YEAHHH MMMMM

 **TOES** : MMMMMMM

 **skippy** : die

 **skippy** : like rn

 **megapvp** : the only time i will ever agree with bitchboy is right now

 **skippy** : fvkcu you

 **megapvp** : no

 **F1NNxROSE** : dre, i require knowledge 

**dreamlmao** : yeah what up

 **F1NNxROSE** : where did you acquire the gator 

**dreamlmao** : east hall i think 

**F1NNxROSE** : did you put monopoly back

 **dreamlmao** : no why tf would i do that

 **F1NNxROSE** : ... no reason

 **sippycup** : is there another fucking alligator 

**dreamlmao** : OH FUCKING WOE?

 **sippycup** : never do that again

 **gogy** : oh my god

 **technopig** : cringe

 **wolburscoot** : cringe

 **Philza** : Cringe

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : cringe

 **dreamlmao** : SHUT UP AT LEAST IM NOT

 **dreamlmao** : never mind

 **Philza** : Were you about to call my kids adopted

 **wolburscoot** : well i mean 

**wolburscoot** : we kind of are

 **technopig** : "kind of"

 **technopig** : phil grew us in his backyard

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : can confirm, was there

 **wolburscoot** : can also confirm, was also there

 **technopig** : can also also confirm, was also also there

 **Philza** : I regret so, so many things

 **wolburscoot** : nah, you dont

 **Philza** : Yes I do

 **wolburscoot** : :(

 **technopig** : :(

 **KILLEDAWOMAN** : :(

 **Philza** : :)


	77. [the end]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a long time coming
> 
> anyways, this is the fic that i hate. i cannot stand this fic, i hate it SO fucking much. it's my least favourite thing, and whenever i see a comment asking me when i'll update, i lose my shit because god, i don't want to update it, why do people want me to update something i've expressed so much disdain for.
> 
> so this is the end of this fic. i decided against deleting it, since i know some people read it as a comfort fic, but it was a really hard decision, since i hate seeing it in my stats. i hate being known as the "chatfic guy" when i write so much and haven't even touched this fic since last fucking year.
> 
> ALL THAT I ASK FOR is that you don't comment "oh :(", "i'll miss this :(", "i understand, but i'm still sad :(". this fic is finished and done, and it won't be coming back. at first it was fun, and then it stopped being fun
> 
> don't make me feel guilty for choosing to end this fic - that's really all i'm asking. 
> 
> anyways, that's all i really have to say. i have 147 other fics in this fandom that you can read, and i've also got a twitter (@ItIsJoshBro) if you want to follow me for fic updates/ideas
> 
> thank you for the support at the beginning of this fic - it really kept me going. i just started to resent this fic so much, and i couldn't tell you why. but at the beginning, i know that the support i was flooded with kept me going, and i really can't thank you all enough for the support i was given. 
> 
> thank you :)
> 
> \- josh
> 
> edit: i've seen the "orphan it" comments and i 100% would, but i know that some people don't know the title or the tags to this fic and just know that i wrote it. it'd make it harder for people who are specifically looking for this fic to actually find it, and i'd rather not do that to someone who enjoys this, if that makes sense LMAO :)

**dreamlmao** : bye bye

 **wolburscoot** : fucking finally 

[ **dreamlmao** has deleted the group chat]


End file.
